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Him

Prologue

Xander lets Buffy and Dawn into his apartment. He turns and looks at Spike, who’s still standing in the hall. “You’re going to live in that small room over there.” Xander points to a door. “I know it looks like a closet, but it’s a room now. You’re not going to touch my food. I take the first shower in the morning, and if I use up all the hot water, that’s your tough noogies.” He turns to Buffy. “And I hate this plan.” He looks back at Spike, who’s still standing in the hall. “Are you keepin’ up, or do you need some kind of English-to-constant-pain-in-my-ass translation?”

“Invitation,” says Buffy quietly.

“Is there something more emphatic than hate?” asks Xander. “Can I revile the plan?” He turns back to Spike. “Fine. I invite you in…”

Spike ducks his head as he enters. “Thank you.” he whispers.

“…Nimrod,” says Xander.

Spike brushes past Xander. “Don’t want your sodding food anyway.” He keeps going right past Buffy and Dawn.

Xander turns back to Buffy. “I just don’t understand when his problems became your problems. More specifically, mine.”

“The school basement is making him crazy,” says Buffy. “We can’t just leave him there.”

“Why not?” asks Xander. “Crazy basement guy is better than stalking Buffy guy.”

“It’s true,” says Dawn. “You guys aren’t… You’re not starting up again with the whole—”

“No!” says Buffy. “A thousand gallons of no. It’s just, things are different now. He has a soul.”

“I’m sure that’ll be a real comfort when he soulfully attacks you again,” says Xander.

“Yeah. What does that mean, exactly, that Spike is all soul-having?” asks Dawn.

Buffy shakes her head. “I don’t know. But he’s been through a lot, okay, and nobody is attacking—”

Spike reaches out from behind Buffy, and touches her arm. “Buffy.”

Buffy gasps, jumps away, and spins toward Spike.

“Sorry,” says Spike.

“No. It’s me,” says Buffy. “I just—”

“I’ll go,” says Spike. “This can’t work.”

“It will,” says Buffy. “It already is, okay? You know, you’ve been out of the basement for half an hour, and you’ve already stopped talking to invisible people.”

“Bollocks!” says Spike.

“Okay, so there was that one episode in the car, but—”

“No. Bollocks to the whole thing,” says Spike. “I don’t need your mollycoddling.”

“It’s not coddling. Now go to your closet.” Buffy turns around and walks out of the apartment.

Buffy and Dawn sit together in the bleachers by the Sunnydale High football field, while the team practices.

“So what is it?” asks Dawn.

“What’s what?” asks Buffy.

“Last night, you said you weren’t helping Spike out of pity,” says Dawn. “What is it?”

“That’s a good question.” Buffy sips on the straw in her drink.

“Is sitting there drinking soda some kind of a zen non-answer?” asks Dawn.

Buffy sighs and lifts her sunglasses up on top of her head. “No, I just… I don’t know what I’m feeling. I—I think I can’t stand him, but then sometimes…”

“You love him?”

“No,” says Buffy. “I… I feel for him.”

“Feel what, exactly?”

“Dawn, I—”

“No,” says Dawn. “I’m just trying to understand. I mean, none of it makes sense. First you say Spike disgusts you, but secretly, you two are doing it like bunnies, and then Spike says he’d die for you, but he tries to rape you.”

Buffy sighs again. “For the record, Spike knew how wrong it was, and that’s why he went away.”

“But to get a soul?” asks Dawn. “Like that would make him a better man? Xander had a soul when he stood Anya up at the altar, and now he says he still wants her? I just don’t think it’s the school basement that’s making people crazy.”

Buffy picks up her purse. “Oh, I should really get back. Are you coming with?”

“I just don’t see why people bother,” says Dawn. “I mean, you put all this energy into chasing and having and brooding and I just don’t understand these relationships where you all do insane things…”

Buffy stands up. “Good-bye, rant-girl.” She starts to head back toward the school.

Dawn continues her rant without Buffy. “Well, you could, like, paint a beautiful mural on every ugly wall in the world, and then paint a beautiful mural on every ugly mural in the wor—”

Dawn notices one of the football players leaving the field, and putting on his letterman jacket. The world suddenly slows down as he picks up a water bottle and sprays it into his mouth, and across his face. She hears the theme to A Summer Place in her mind. She turns to watch the guy as he leaves the field, and falls off her seat. “Oh!”

Act I

Buffy swings a battle axe at a demon. It blocks her with its own axe, but the force of her blow knocks its weapon out of its hand. The demon punches Buffy away. She falls on a chair and shatters it. The demon pounces on top of her, and Buffy kicks it away.

Anya crawls along the floor of her apartment, trying to stay out from between the two combatants. “Hey, maybe I’m not even the right Anyanka. Ever think about that?” she asks. “I mean, tons of Anyankas out there. Maybe one of them pissed off this, uh… What did you say his name was? D’Hoffenfeffer?”

Buffy attacks the demon again, but it grabs her axe, and forces her up against the wall. Buffy knocks it back with a head butt, and throws her axe at it. The demon collapses to the floor, with Buffy’s axe embedded in its chest.

Buffy goes over to Anya, and holds out her hand to help her get back up. “Good thing I stopped by, and heard screaming. So I guess D’Hoffryn decided to take you out after all?”

Anya limps over to her fridge. “Yeah. He’s, uh…not head of vengeance for nothing.” She opens it up, and pulls an ice cube tray out of the freezer. “Well, thank you for the generous lifesaving.” She takes the tea towel hanging off the oven door handle. “Now please go away.”

Anya takes her ice cube tray and towel over to her table. She notices that Buffy isn’t going as she sets an overturned chair upright again. “Look, I don’t need anyone’s help.” Anya sits at the table. She starts emptying the ice cubes onto the towel, making an icepack for herself. “Or, okay, clearly I do, but I don’t want to need anyone’s help. So stop helping.”

“I get it,” says Buffy. “After last week, you feel you need to be all renegade and broody. But taking yourself out of the loop—”

Anya holds her icepack against her injured hand. “I need to figure out who I am.”

“Another…something bad is happening,” says Buffy. “I don’t want my friends out there alone right now, okay?”

Anya squirms uncomfortably in her chair for a moment before she says anything. “Well, I—I guess you guys could use my help. I mean, Willow’s not very good with the practical strategising…except when she’s evil. And Dawn, she’s not really good for anything.”

Dawn dithers by the base of the stairs in the school, running over opening lines in her head for her first meeting with R.J. Brooks, the boy in the jacket. She finally comes to a decision, takes a deep breath, and steps around the corner. R.J. is there talking with another member of the football team, and a couple of cheerleaders.

One of the cheerleaders—Cheryl—has her foot in a cast, and needs a crutch to move around. She doesn’t really think that should take her off the squad. “I think I can still cheer. I mean, I could use a chair— or we all could, like the Laker Girls!”

“Oh, honey, you need to concentrate on getting better,” says the other cheerleader—Lori. “Don’t worry. We’ll find a replacement for you tomorrow.”

“I just feel like I let you down.” Cheryl smiles at R.J.

Dawn walks up to the group. “Hey, R.J.”

Lori looks disdainfully at Dawn. “Oh, Dawn.”

“Hey, Summers,” says R.J.

“Um, so… I—I—I was wondering: you had Mr. Gurin for English back at your old school, right?” asks Dawn.

The other football player—O’Donnell—is a little amused. He’s seen this sort of reaction to R.J. from girls before.

“We all did,” says R.J.

“I have him this year,” says Dawn. A long silence follows. “What a drag.”

“Well, I actually kinda liked him,” says R.J.

Dawn quickly backpedals. “Right. Right. No, no. I—I like him. It’s just, you know, I—I meant ‘drag’ in a good, fun way.”

O’Donnell turns his attention back to Lori. “So, um, you know, the tryouts tomorrow, you going to make the new girls jump up and down a lot, right?” Cheryl punches him on the arm.

“Oh, god. Gross!” says Lori. “A vending machine fell on Cheryl¹, and all you can think about is new cheerleaders?”

Dawn tries to join the conversation again. “Hey, um, so, you know, I heard someone saying yesterday that we’re going to go all the way to the championships this year…in football.”

“We actually have a good shot,” says R.J., “considering we’re a new team.”

“Yeah, well, if you can get us past Highland, we got a good shot,” says O’Donnell.

“Oh, like you could do better?” says R.J.

“We’ll see,” says O’Donnell. He thinks that the coach is about to give him a shot at being the quarterback.

“The quarterback is the most important member of the team!” says Dawn. “He is, like, the rudder the guides the ship.” Everyone looks at her, wondering why she’s still standing there.

“Right.” R.J. turns his attention to Cheryl. “Can I give you a hand with that?” He reaches for the bag slung over her shoulder.

“Would you really?” Cheryl hands her bag over to him.

Lori isn’t pleased that R.J. is being so solicitous to Cheryl. “Oh, it’s okay. She can do it herself!”

“Hey, we’re all on the same team, right?” asks R.J. The group starts to walk down the hall away from Dawn.

“Yeah. You’re all on the team.” Dawn tells herself. “We’ll talk later, guys! It’s cool!”

Dawn gets another idea for how to get close to R.J.

Dawn rummages through boxes stored in the basement of their house, looking for something.

They’re holding tryouts for Cheryl’s replacement next day in the gym. Lori looks at her list to see who’s next, and isn’t happy with the name that’s written there. “Dawn Summers.”

Dawn steps out onto the gym floor, dressed in Buffy’s old cheerleading outfit. It’s a couple of sizes too small for her.

“Nice outfit,” says Lori. A couple of kids laugh.

Dawn starts into her routine.

Dawn tries to finish off with a cartwheel, but she blows it, and falls to the floor. One of the watching football players winces in sympathetic pain. Someone claps, once.

“Okay,” says Lori. “Thank you. Very…spirited.”

Buffy knocks on the bathroom door. “Come on, Dawnie. Come out. Dawn, sweetheart. It’s not that bad.”

Dawn opens the door. “How would you even know? R.J.’s never going to notice me now.”

“From what you said, I’m sure he already noticed you,” says Buffy. “I mean, with the fall and the—”

Dawn slams the door shut again.

“Spirit! Spirit!” says Buffy. “They said you were spirited, right?”

“Go away!”

Xander comes up from downstairs. “Things a lot better, I see.”

“I don’t think tonight’s going to be good for videos, Xand,” says Buffy.

“Right, with the wailing and the crying,” says Xander. “It’s still better than a cozy evening with Spike. Shall I order a pizza? Don’t teens in a snit like pizza?”

Dawn opens the door. “It is not a snit! I—I finally met him, the guy of my dreams, okay, and I blew it! R.J. hates me now.”

Buffy sees her shredded cheerleading outfit on the bathroom floor. “Dawn, what is that?”

“Just the end of my life!” Dawn runs down the hall to her bedroom, crying.

Buffy goes into the bathroom and picks up the remains of her outfit.

“Remember when she used to have a crush on me?” asks Xander. “I miss the much cuter ‘me’ crush.”

Buffy steps into Dawn’s room. Xander follows her in. Dawn is lying across her bed crying.

“You shredded my outfit,” says Buffy.

“I’ll buy you a new one,” says Dawn.

“That’s not the point,” says Buffy. “I don’t want a new cheerleading outfit.”

“Now, now. Let’s not be hasty,” says Xander. He sees the look Buffy shoots him. “Not the right time.”

Buffy hands the remains of her cheerleading outfit to Xander and sits beside Dawn on her bed. “Dawn, I’m sorry that you feel so bad. Okay, but in the morning, this won’t seem so terrible. You don’t even know this R.J. Not really.”

Dawn sits up. “I do know him. I know his soul!”

“Really?” asks Buffy. “Dawn, he wasn’t even on your radar yesterday.”

“It’s the jacket,” says Xander. “It’s true. Something about the big letter on the chest. It makes girls get all swoony and crushy. I saw it all the time in school. And you couldn’t just pin any old felt letter to your coat and get play. Not that I tried.”

“It isn’t a crush!” says Dawn. “It’s love. I love R.J.”

“Again, since yesterday,” says Buffy. “Dawn, it’s awfully fast.”

“What, you’re telling me I don’t feel what I feel?”

“No, of course not,” says Buffy. “I believe that you think it’s real. It seems real, to you.”

Dawn scoffs. “Know what? Maybe I don’t want advice from the Dysfunction Queen! You have no idea how I feel. You have no idea what real love is. Maybe if you did, you wouldn’t make fun of me this way.”

“Dawn, I’m not making fun of you.”

“Just go.” Dawn turns away. “Leave me alone.” She lies back down across her bed.

O’Donnell intercepts R.J. at his locker. “Hey, Brooks. I just talked with the coach.”

“Yeah? I told you, man,” says R.J. “All those fumbles in practice: he was going to come down on you.”

Dawn is passing by in the hall, and slows down to eavesdrop.

O’Donnell smiles. “I’m starting on Saturday.”

“Great,” says R.J. “Who knew fumbling all the time was the key?”

“Just time to let someone else have a turn, man,” says O’Donnell. “And you knew this was comin’.”

“Yeah, sure.” R.J. shoves his books into his locker.

O’Donnell punches R.J. on the shoulder, and walks away down the hall. Dawn follows him.

Dawn catches up with O’Donnell at the top of the stairs. “You can’t do this to R.J.!”

O’Donnell looks around. “Oh, hey, it’s you. Nice cheering the other day.” He starts down the stairs.

Dawn follows him. “It isn’t fair. He works so hard.”

“What do you care? I mean, this is how the game is played. It’s dog eat dog. May the best man win.” O’Donnell stops on the stairway landing.

“But nobody’s better than R.J.!” says Dawn.

“Heh. Yeah, well, that’s not really up to you, is it, hmm?” O’Donnell turns away from Dawn.

Dawn pushes O’Donnell from behind, and he falls down the stairs. Dawn looks around to see if anyone saw what she did.

Act II

Dawn sits in front of Principal Wood’s desk, telling him about how O’Donnell fell down the stairs. Buffy is there too, leaning against the cabinets behind Mr. Wood.

“Why would he say you pushed him down the stairs?” asks Principal Wood.

“I don’t know,” says Dawn. “Maybe he was just embarrassed. It’s hard being clumsy. Especially when you’re popular and athletic…” She glances at Buffy. “I bet.”

Principal Wood is inclined to believe Dawn’s version of events. O’Donnell has a history of lying.

“It would be nice if his lies didn’t involve my sister, though,” says Buffy.

Wood really isn’t looking forward to making his next call. He’s going to have to call Coach Wheeler and break the news that O’Donnell won’t be playing this weekend. “Not a conversation I really want to have.”

“At least he’s still got R.J. to take over,” says Dawn. Buffy looks at her suspiciously.

“Yeah. Well, I think we have everything we need for now,” says Wood. “I’m sorry you had to get involved in this, Dawn.”

Dawn gets up from her chair. “That’s okay. I’m just really sorry it happened.”

Dawn leaves Principal’s office and heads down the hall. R.J. comes down the stairs. “Summers. Hey.”

Dawn turns and smiles. “Hi.” They continue walking down the hall together.

“I heard Wood hauled you into his office,” says R.J. “About O’Donnell?”

“Yes,” says Dawn.

“That sucks, facing the whole inquisition thing,” says R.J.

“Yeah. No one expects the Spanish Inquisition,” says Dawn. R.J. just looks blank. “God, it’s like I have a disease or something. It was really no big deal.”

They stop walking. R.J. reaches out and puts his hand on Dawn’s arm. “No, it was.”

Dawn looks down at R.J.’s hand on her arm and smiles. R.J. touched her!

“I think it’s cool that you faced him,” says R.J. “Wood.”

“Well, we just talked,” says Dawn. “He just wanted me to tell him about the accident.”

“Yeah,” says R.J. “It sucks when these things just happen, out of nowhere.”

“Right,” says Dawn. “Out of nowhere.” They resume walking.

“You know, I was thinking of heading out tonight after practice,” says R.J. “You want to meet up?”

Dawn smiles. “Um, hmm.”

Buffy sits at a table in the Bronze with Willow and Xander. Xander reports that Spike seems to be getting more coherent, but he still leaves his wet towels on the bathroom floor.

“At least he’s showering,” says Buffy. “That’s a refreshing and delightful change.”

Buffy spots R.J. on the dance floor, with a girl whose back is to them. “I think that’s the guy.”

“What guy?” asks Willow.

“The one who, according to Dawn, is the quote—smartest funniest, coolest, hottest, and having-the-thickest-boy-eyelashes boy in school—unquote,” says Buffy.

Xander doesn’t think R.J. looks so hot, but Willow is impressed by the girl he’s with. “Check out the fan club.”

Xander is impressed too. “Daddy like!” The girl is wearing very tight jeans, low on her hips, and a skimpy, flimsy, tight fitting top. She is rubbing herself right up against R.J.

“What is that shirt made of?” asks Buffy. “Paint?”

Willow suddenly realises who the girl is. “Buff—”

Buffy hasn’t identified her yet. “I’m glad Dawnie isn’t here to see her precious boyfriend getting all thrusty with some slut-bag hussy—” The girl turns to rub her butt against R.J.’s crotch and Buffy sees Dawn’s face. “Oh.”

Xander recognises her too. “Oh. Oh! No! ‘Daddy’—no, I wasn’t—” He covers his eyes with his hand. “When I was looking, I wasn’t— Oh, god!”

Willow leans toward Xander, but she can’t take her eyes off Dawn. “Right there with ya,” she says quietly.

Dawn leaves the dance floor and heads over toward the bar. Buffy is waiting to ambush her. “So do you have plans later? Or you just going to go down to the docks, wait for the fleet to come in?”

“What?” asks Dawn.

“Where do I start with the bad?” Buffy grabs Dawn’s arm and pulls her off to the side. “First, you told me you were going to the library. Second, you do not go out on a date without informing me first. Third…” Buffy looks Dawn up and down. “…Anna Nicole Smith thinks you look tacky.”

Dawn crosses her arms. “Yeah, well, I think I look hot, and so does R.J.”

“Oh, I bet he does. Maybe I should go have a little word with him.” Buffy starts toward the dance floor.

“No!” Dawn grabs Buffy’s arm. “Don’t you dare embarrass me in front of him!”

“I don’t like this,” says Buffy. “This boy has you acting crazy!”

“It’s my life,” says Dawn. “I’ll do what I want to.”

“I don’t think so,” says Buffy.

“Oh? So, what, suddenly you’re Mom now?”

“No, I’m not!” says Buffy. “And I am glad she’s not here to see you like this.” Buffy instantly regrets saying that. “Look, I’m sorry. I just—”

“You just can’t handle it,” says Dawn.

“What?”

“You’ve always been the special one. Hot little Buffy with her boyfriends—the Slayer—and now someone likes me, and you just can’t stand that I’m getting the attention.”

“That is the farthest thing from true!” says Buffy.

“No, it’s not! And I’m sorry, but I like the way R.J. makes me feel. And if you think that makes me a slut or whatever,” Dawn shrugs, “I don’t care!” She starts back toward the dance floor.

Buffy grabs Dawn and pulls her back. “Oh, no, no, no. You are not going back out on that dance floor.”

Dawn doesn’t say anything. She just glares at Buffy for a moment, and then she grabs her jacket off a nearby chair and leaves the Bronze.

Dawn walks away from the Bronze. She hears a noise coming from the shadows, and slows down. She looks around nervously. “R.J.?”

Lori steps out of the darkness. “I know what you’re doing, slut! I saw you! I saw you with R.J.!” She steps toward Dawn.

“So?” Dawn slowly backs away. “We were just dancing.”

“Right,” says Lori. “You think I’m stupid? You’re going to back off now!”

Dawn stops backing away. “You know what’s sad? A girl who can’t move on when she’s been dumped.”

“He didn’t dump me!” Lori grabs Dawn’s hair and yanks on it.

Dawn grabs at Lori’s hair, and they fall to the ground, wrestling with one another.

Buffy grabs the fighting girls by their arms and pulls them apart, and to their feet. “Okay, first with the lap dance, now with the cat fight. You want to get drunk and barf next?” she asks Dawn.

Dawn tries to pull away from Buffy. “Let go of me! This isn’t finished,” she tells Lori.

“I’ll never let you have him, bitch!” Lori kicks Buffy in the shin, and Buffy lets go of her. “R.J. is mine! I mean it!” Lori starts to run back toward the Bronze. “Stay away from him!”

“Well, at least someone agrees you shouldn’t be dating this guy,” says Buffy.

Principal Wood shows R.J. out of his office. “How about if you tried doing your own homework for a change, all right? No more getting these young, impressionable women to do it for you. Avoid detention, R.J. Sound good?”

“Whatever,” says R.J.

Wood puts his hand over his heart. “Oh, sweet, infectious enthusiasm.”

R.J. starts toward the outer office door, with his jacket in his hand, but Buffy has been waiting for him. She’s leaning against her cubical partition. “Whoa, hang on there, Slappy. I’m not done with you yet.”

“Oh, man! Like it’s not bad enough I got that guy ridin’ my back all the time,” says R.J. “Now I got to deal with you, too?”

“Actually, I’m a bit more formidable than Mr. Wood. You might come to look fondly on his back-riding.” Buffy points R.J. to the chair beside her desk. “Sit!”

“Hey, I told him I was sorry about the homework,” says R.J.

“Not the homework, Mr. Wizard,” says Buffy. “The girls. What you’re doing to them, in specific, my sister.”

“Hey, I didn’t do anything to your sister,” says R.J. “And you saw how hot she looked last night. I think that proves—”

Buffy puts up her hands, and turns away. “Aah! No more with the talky!” She turns back to R.J. “Look, I know how guys like you work. You turn on the charm. You get whatever you want, no matter who gets in your way, right?”

R.J. stands up. “Okay, look, it’s not like that.” He slips one arm into his jacket. “I just get along really well with girls.”

Buffy pushes R.J. back down into the chair. “Oh, I see how you get along. ‘Ooh, look at me! I’m Mr. Quarterback. I crush little girls and all their little feelings, and all I have to do is…’” R.J. has finished putting on his jacket while Buffy was talking. Buffy suddenly finds her attitude changing. “…lead a team of high school athletes trying their best to do a good job. Everyone depending on me. Boy, that is a lot of pressure.” Buffy tries to pull herself back to her original rant. “But it doesn’t mean you get to disregard other people’s feelings.”

“It’s not like I meant to hurt anyone,” says R.J.

Buffy melts. She leans against the edge of the printer table beside R.J. “No. I know that. It’s just…you’re a leader, a captain, okay? People look up to you, and you need to keep that in mind when you… I bet…you run a lot, huh? And they work you pretty hard, don’t they?”

R.J. smiles and stands up. “Yeah. I guess so.”

Buffy smiles up at R.J. “I get that. I do. I’m there— or at least I was there when I was still in high school. Which I was just a couple of years ago, really.” Buffy goes all coy. “You know, I just realized I-I’m basically the same age as you. I’m not really older at all, actually. I’m just like you. But with the sexual experience and stuff.”

“I think I hear what you’re saying.”

Someone comes into the office, and Buffy quickly steps back from R.J. “Right.” She clears her throat. “I’m—I’m really glad that we had this talk, so, uh, I think you better get back to class.”

“Okay. Thanks.” R.J. leaves the office.

Buffy watches R.J. walk toward the door. The world seems to slow, and she can hear A Summer Place playing in her head. R.J. glances back at her as he leaves the office. Buffy giggles.

Act III

Dawn comes in the front door of their house that evening. Buffy calls to her from the living room. “Dawn? Want to come talk to me?”

“Ambush.” Dawn tells herself. She goes into the living room.

Buffy is sitting on the sofa. She pats the cushion beside her indicating where she wants Dawn to sit. She does.

“I wanted to tell you that I talked to R.J. today,” says Buffy. “He’s okay. I think he likes you.”

Dawn instantly perks up. “Really? Tell me what he said about me, every word including intonation and facial expressions.”

“Well, he thinks you’re funny and pretty and interesting.” Buffy looks away. “Didn’t have a thing to say against you.”

“Yes, he did!” says Dawn. “I can tell!”

“Tiniest thing,” says Buffy. “He might’ve said that…you came on a little strong.”

“Oh, my god,” says Dawn. “I’m the pushy queen of slut-town!”

“No! Honey, honey, not at all. No, no,” says Buffy. “It’s just, you know, lay back a little. Let him come to you.”

“I’m just scared that while I’m laying back, some other girl is going to come and sweep him up,” says Dawn.

“But we have inside info. We know he doesn’t like being swept. He likes to be the sweeper.” Buffy puts her hand on Dawn’s shoulder. “Dawn, you’re going to come out the winner here…with me looking out for you.”

“Yeah, I guess so. Thank you.” Dawn hugs Buffy, and rests her head on Buffy’s shoulder.

R.J. is in math class when Buffy interrupts. She tells the teacher that R.J. is needed in the guidance office. She leads R.J. away.

Buffy doesn’t take R.J. to the guidance office. She takes him to the empty art classroom. She’s wearing a short pleated plaid skirt, a black sweater, and black high healed shoes, Rather reminiscent of Darla’s ‘Catholic school girl’ look.

R.J. looks around. “There’s no one here.”

Buffy closes the door. “Yeah, there is. There’s one of you. And there’s one of me.” She walks toward R.J. and runs her hand across his back as she slides past him. “You were the one in math class. Tell me what that adds up to.”

Buffy walks away. R.J. follows her.

Dawn walks down the hall toward R.J.’s math class. “I’m not coming on too strong if I just look at him,” she tells herself. She looks through the window in the classroom door, and is disappointed to see R.J.’s empty seat.

“I’ve always been fascinated by football,” says Buffy. “So what’s it like to lead a team?”

“The thing of it is the time,” says R.J. “Nobody gets how much time goes into it, with practices and games.”

“I totally get it,” says Buffy. “I was kind of juggling some stuff when I was in high school, too, which was also very recent. Principal Snyder was always on me.”

“I still say Wood’s the worst,” says R.J. “You haven’t seen the way that guy rides me. I wish somebody would just get him off my back.”

“Yeah.” Buffy smiles. “That would be cool.”

“And sometimes I didn’t even do anything wrong,” says R.J.

Buffy has had enough talking. She grabs the lapels of R.J.’s jacket, and pulls him close for a kiss.

R.J. pulls away. “Whoa, whoa, you’re, like, a teacher.”

Buffy looks down. “Not really.” She smiles up at R.J. “But, I mean…does it bother you?”

“Not so much,” says R.J.

Buffy kisses him again.

Dawn is still searching for R.J. when the end of class bell sounds. She wanders the halls, looking for him among the students moving between classes, and looking in classrooms.

Dawn looks through the window in the door of the art classroom. Her eyes go wide, and her jaw drops. She slowly backs away.

Dawn runs out of the school. She sits down on the edge of a planter containing a palm tree and hangs her head, crying.

Dawn sees a pair of work boots on the walkway in front of her, and looks up.

“Dawn?” asks Xander. “What’s wrong? Is this—” He takes off his hardhat, and sits down beside her. “Did that guy in the jacket—”

“Augh!” says Dawn. “I don’t even want to hear his name anymore!”

“I just called him ‘that guy in the jacket.’”

“That’s what I used to call him in my head before I knew his real name!”

“Dawnie, honey…you seem…extremely perturbed,” says Xander. “Maybe I should go get Buffy.”

“No!” says Dawn. “I don’t ever want to see her again!”

“I thought this was about that guy in the— um…that guy with the thing?”

“No,” says Dawn bitterly. “It’s about both of them.”

Xander bursts through the classroom door. “Buffy, I think Dawn needs—” He sees Buffy on top of R.J. and kissing him. “Yaaaah!” R.J. is lying on his back on a table with Buffy straddling him. Her sweater is pulled down off her shoulders.

Buffy looks up. “Xander. Hi.” She smiles. “This is R.J.”

“Hey, guy,” says R.J. “It’s called knocking.”

“I’m sorry,” says Xander. “It’s just checkout time was an hour ago. We were hoping to make up the bed. And also, it’s a classroom, you chowder head! Now, get off the boy, Buffy. We’re going home.” He turns away toward the door.

Dawn cries on the sofa with her head buried in her arms. Buffy is sitting beside her. “Dawn, please stop crying. Please? Crying isn’t going to make his love for me go away, you know.”

Xander, Willow, and Anya are looking on. “Listen. You’re under a love spell!” says Xander. “That’s what this has to be.”

“You’re right.” Buffy turns back to Dawn. “He’s right. You’re under a spell. Oh, poor little Dawnie!”

Willow is working on figuring it out. She doesn’t expect it to take too long. “Yes,” says Anya, “soon neither one of you will be in love with this boy.”

“He’s not a boy!” says Buffy.

Dawn sits up. “What do you know about our love? It’s true and real. This isn’t magic. This is my heart.”

Xander and Anya give up on Buffy and Dawn and head back to the research table.

“Look, I know this feels terrible, but…it isn’t real!” says Willow. “Try to hold on to that.” She joins Xander and Anya.

“Did you hear that?” Buffy asks Dawn. “It isn’t real. You’re just crazy.”

“It is so real!” says Dawn. “I love him. You knew how I felt, like I’d finally found something, and you betrayed me!”

“I betrayed you?” asks Buffy. “You’re the one that constructed this elaborate fantasy about you and my lover.”

“Your lover?” Dawn jumps to her feet. “Your lover?”

“I tried to get you to back away,” says Buffy.

“That’s right,” says Dawn. “You lied to me!”

“Did you want me to tell you that he’s in love with me?” asks Buffy. “That your little crush is hopeless?”

“It’s not a crush!” says Dawn. “Stop! You’re not supposed to do this!”

“Why? Because he’s younger than me?” asks Buffy. “You know, I’m extremely youthful and peppy!”

“No!” says Dawn. “’Cause you were the one I trusted!” Dawn runs away up the stairs.

“Dawn, wait!” Buffy runs after her.

“They’re crazy little lust-puppies, aren’t they?” asks Anya.

“Well, at least the yelling went away,” says Xander. “Starting to sound like Christmas morning with my family.”

“Love spells,” says Willow. “People forget how dangerous they can be.”

“Hey, been there!” says Xander.

Flashback:

The mob of girls, led by Joyce, Willow, Jenny and Harmony closes in on Xander and Cordelia in Buffy’s basement. Xander picks up a pipe wrench to try and protect himself from their weapons. Joyce has a knife, and Willow has an axe. The lunch lady has a rolling pin.

The mob closes in, forcing Xander and Cordy down onto the floor.

Xander smiles at the memory. “Good times.”

Buffy has returned from upstairs, and reports that Dawn has locked herself in her room. “That spell has her good and loopy.”

Willow’s research has turned up some information on R.J. She turns her computer screen toward Xander and Anya so they can see it. Buffy elbows her way between them. “Ooh! Let me see! Is there a picture?”

It’s just information on R.J.’s family. “Hey, I knew his brother,” says Xander. “He was a big jock at Sunnydale High, too. Couple years ahead of us. Used to stick chewing gum in my hair. Hmm.” He sits and thinks a bit. Willow asks what he’s thinking.

“Well, I think my relationship with R.J.’s brother was complex at best,” says Xander, “but…maybe he’s a way in.”

Buffy nods agreement. “Now look for a picture!”

Xander and Spike approach the Brooks’ home. “I’m just saying we’re tangling with a powerful spell here,” says Xander, “and we don’t know what the deal is, so—so keep an eye out if this guy looks twitchy.”

They go up onto the front porch, and Xander rings the doorbell. “And don’t let this guy charm you, either. He had everyone around him practically kissing his ring back in high school.”

Lance opens the door. He’s still dressed in his pizza delivery uniform. His hair is a mess, and he hasn’t shaved for a couple of days. “Yeah?”

Spike raises his eyebrow at Xander.

Spike and Xander sit on the sofa in the Brooks’ living room with a couple of beers in front of them. Lance is sitting in a chair with his own bottle. He’s really impressed that Xander is working construction. “So what’s up with R.J.? How’s he doin’ at the old alpha mater.”

Spike gets up off the sofa, and starts wandering around the room, looking at stuff.

“Good,” says Xander. “It’s just— I know a girl that might be going out with him, and I was wondering—”

“Got it,” says Lance. “You want to know if he’s a good guy. Truth is: he’s the best, followin’ in my footsteps.” He looks back over his shoulder at Spike. “You might not know it now, lookin’ at me with a couple of extra pounds, but back then I was quite the guy.”

“Yeah, I gather that R.J. is pretty popular, too,” says Xander.

“I got to tell you. There was a time I was worried about R.J. He used to be all into comic books, model U.N., geek stuff— No offense, Harris. One time I found all this poetry under his bed. Turns out he wrote it. Then he, uh—what do you call it?—blossomed. That’s what it was like.”

Spike sees a bunch of little ceramic angels on a knickknack shelf, and turns them around so that their backs are facing the room.

“And do you have any idea why he, you know, burst into a flower all of a sudden?” asks Xander.

Spike has moved on to the mantle piece, where there are matching pictures of R.J. and Lance. He points to Lance’s picture. “You’re wearing your brother’s jacket. You in this picture.”

Lance looks around at him. “Oh, no, dude. He’s wearing mine. That jacket was with me all the way through high school. Gave it to him when I graduated. Right before I started over at the pizza barn.” Spike and Xander exchange a look. “I’m in the management program.”

“So, Lance, where did you get the jacket?” asks Xander.

“Oh, Dad gave it to me. Made a big deal about it, too, how he met Mom wearing that jacket. She was a former Miss Arkansas. Very hot in her day.”

Xander and Spike have heard enough. “Wow, that’s wonderful.” Xander almost jumps to his feet. “Boy, it’s gettin’ late.”

Lance tells them they don’t have to leave. He’s got an air hockey game in the basement, and a mini fridge. They could party.

“We really got to go,” says Xander.

So far all of Willow’s anti-love spell spells have had no effect. “Even if you found the right one,” says Anya, “guy would probably just do an anti-anti-love spell spell…spell.”

Willow looks at her. “What?”

The doorbell rings and Willow gets up from the table. “I’ll get it. Maybe it’s Xander with some answers from the brother.”

Willow goes to the door and opens it. She sees R.J. standing there in his jacket. “Oh, you have to be—”

“I was looking for Buffy,” says R.J. “Miss Summers?”

“Buffy’s not here,” says Willow. “Go away!”

“You sure?” asks R.J.

Anya comes up behind Willow. “No Buffy for you! Leave quickly now!”

“Uh, okay. Tell her to call me.” R.J. turns and walks away from the door.

“Good thing Buffy and Dawn are upstairs.” whispers Anya. “If they knew he was here…” Anya’s voice trails away. She and Willow have been watching R.J.’s back as he leaves. The world seems to slow down. They hear the theme to A Summer Place.

Willow and Anya stand arguing in the foyer. “But you don’t even know him!” says Willow.

“Yes, I do!” says Anya. “I looked into him, and I saw his soul!”

“He was walking away!” says Willow. “So unless his soul is in his ass—”

“A.J. Is my best friend and my dearest darling!”

“It’s R.J.,” says Willow, “and what you were picking up on was his deep caring and devotion to me!”

Buffy and Dawn have come down the stairs to see what the commotion is.

“Willow thinks she’s in love with my boyfriend R.J.!” says Anya.

“What?” asks Buffy.

“No!” says Dawn. “You two can’t do this!”

“Willow, you’re a gay woman!” says Buffy. Willow looks at her with a silent ‘So?’ on her face. “And he…isn’t!”

“This isn’t about his physical presence!” says Willow. “It’s about his heart.”

“His physical presence has a penis!” says Anya.

“I can work around it!”

“This isn’t fair!” says Dawn. “How can you all be doing this to me?”

Buffy tries to calm everyone down. She thinks she knows what’s happened. “Clearly you’ve both been affected by the same love spell that got Dawn.”

Willow and Anya roll their eyes. “This isn’t a spell!” says Dawn. “He owns my heart.”

“Dawn, be quiet,” says Buffy. “We’re trying to work this out. We don’t need you interfering.”

“There’s a simple answer to this,” says Willow. “Just think about who loves him the most. Clearly I do, since I’m willing to look past the whole orientation thing.”

“I need him.” whispers Dawn. She’s ignored by the others. She slumps back against the wall by the base of the stairs.

“You’re going to have to do better than that.” Anya tells Willow. “I’d kill for him!”

“You’d kill for a chocolate bar!” says Willow.

“Yes! Kill for him!” says Buffy. “I’m the Slayer. Slayer means ‘kill.’ Oh! I’ll kill the Principal!”

“That is hard to top,” says Anya.

“Yeah? Well, I have skills,” says Willow. “I can prove my love with magic!”

“Yeah, right,” says Anya. “What are you going to do? Use magic to make him into a girl?” She sees the look of enlightenment appear on Willow’s face. “Damn!”

Willow runs up the stairs to her room.

Anya gets an idea. “Wait, I know what he’ll like!” She runs out the door.

Buffy goes into the living room, but then she comes back to her sister. “Sorry, Dawnie. You’re never going to get him.” She picks up her sweater off the stair railing, and returns to the living room.

“No,” says Dawn. “Never.”

Willow lights four candles spaced out around a bowl of glowing crystals. She starts to meditate.

Buffy’s Jeep Cherokee squeals into the staff parking lot at Sunnydale High. She screeches to a stop and gets out, carrying a bazooka.

Anya stops in front of the Sunnydale Securities Bank, and looks around. She’s dressed all in black, and carrying a white sack. She pulls her black ski mask down over her face.

Dawn walks into the Sunnydale rail yards. She lies down on the train tracks, with her head on a rail.

Act IV

Willow sits in front of her candles, and bowl of crystals.

Xander clamps his hand over Willow’s mouth, cutting off her spell. The crystals all fall to the floor. Xander pulls his hand away.

“Oh! Oh, man! Now I’ve got to start all over!” says Willow. “Hecate hates that.”

Xander snatches up the bowl of crystals. “What the hell are you doing?”

Willow climbs to her feet. “Proving I love R.J. the most!”

Xander glances back at Spike, who’s standing in the door. They know what’s happened. “Will, honey… R.J.’s a guy.”

“I did notice that, yeah,” says Willow. “That’s why I’m doing my spell, ’cause, you know, he doesn’t have to be. Now, hand me back my crystals. I don’t have much time.”

“Much time before what?” asks Xander.

“Before Buffy and Anya and Dawn have a chance to prove that they love R.J. the most!”

“And how were they going to do that, exactly?”

“Well, Buffy’s going to kill Principal Wood. Anya—”

“Fine! Okay,” says Xander. “Let’s start there.”

Principal Wood is working late in his office. He doesn’t notice Buffy outside his window. She raises the bazooka up onto her shoulder and takes aim.

Spike tackles Buffy, and knocks her away from the window. Wood keeps writing notes in his book.

Spike comes running back, carrying the bazooka. Buffy jumps onto his back, and they both fall down. Spike gets back up, with the bazooka, and he runs away with it. Buffy runs after him.

Principal Wood looks over his shoulder out his window. He doesn’t see anything. He shakes his head and goes back to work.

“Hey!” Buffy chases Spike back to Xander’s car, where Xander is waiting. She sees Willow sitting on the ground, performing a spell. “What are you guys doing?”

Willow glances up at Buffy. “Locator spell, human variety.” A spot of light starts to glow on the map in front of her. “Almost done.”

“I’ve got a Principal to kill,” says Buffy. “What’s going on? Who are we looking for?”

Dawn lies on the tracks. She can hear the horn of an approaching train.

Xander pulls his car off the road by the rail yard, and everyone gets out.

“You realize that Anya’s probably seducing R.J. even as we speak,” says Buffy.

“My god, you think so?” asks Willow.

“Well, I wouldn’t put it past her,” says Buffy. “She’s recently evil, you know.”

“Well, so am I!” says Willow. “Why should I miss out?”

Xander has spotted Dawn lying on the tracks. “Hey, crazy chicks, look!”

Buffy looks where Xander’s pointing. “Dawn?” She sees the headlight of an approaching train. “Dawn!” She starts to run.

There are two parallel rail lines, and Dawn is lying on the far tracks. A second train, on the closer tracks is coming from behind Buffy. It overtakes her, blocking her access to the tracks Dawn is on.

Buffy jumps and grabs the ladder on the side of a boxcar. She pulls herself up onto it, and climbs across onto a ladder on the back of the car ahead of it. She climbs that ladder up onto the roof of the train car.

Dawn can hear the train coming closer. She squeezes her eyes shut, and looks away.

Buffy rides on the roof of the train car. She watches the other train bearing down on her sister. When she’s almost there Buffy leaps off the train into the space between the tracks. She jumps to her feet and runs to Dawn. Buffy grabs Dawn, and jumps off the tracks, just before the other train hits them.

Buffy and Dawn climb back to their feet. “What were you doing?” asks Buffy. “What is this?”

“It doesn’t matter,” says Dawn.

“This is a plan?” asks Buffy. “You’re going to steal R.J. by being trisected?”

“What am I, going to compete with you?” asks Dawn. “You’re older and hotter and have sex that’s rough and kill people! I don’t have any of that stuff. But if I did this, then his whole life he’d know there was someone that loved him so much they’d give up their life.”

“Dawn—”

“And it would be true, forever.”

“No guy is worth your life!” says Buffy. “Not ever!”

“R.J. is! And don’t say he isn’t,” says Dawn. “Look what you were willing to do.”

“Dawn, I would give him to you in a second, if I could,” says Buffy. “That’s how much you’re scaring me.”

“But I—I thought you wanted him…for you.”

“Nyah. Well, yeah. My god, that boy is hot!” Buffy shrugs. “Sorry. I think I might be under a spell here.”

“I hear ya,” says Dawn.

Epilogue

Xander peeks around the corner in downtown Sunnydale, and sees R.J. walking down the street with Cheryl. He pulls back. “Now, you’re sure you understand the plan?” he asks Spike.

“I think I got it, yeah,” says Spike.

Xander and Spike dash out into the street. Xander grabs R.J. and Spike pulls off the jacket. They run away, leaving R.J. wondering what the heck just happened to him.

Music plays on the radio in the Summers’ living room. Buffy, Xander, Willow and Anya stand around watching R.J.’s jacket burn in the fireplace.

“That, my friends, is the smell of sweet, sweet victory,” says Xander.

“Also…burning cotton-poly blend,” says Anya.

“Xander, be honest,” says Buffy. “You didn’t, you know, think about slipping that jacket on just a little bit?”

“I refuse to answer that on the grounds that it didn’t fit,” says Xander.

“Man. This tool gets this jacket from his brother, who got it from their father, and we’ll never know where he got it,” says Anya. “That bites.”

“Nyah. Welcome to the Hellmouth,” says Xander. “Where even outer wear isn’t safe.”

“I can’t believe I almost—” says Willow.

“I can’t believe I almost—” says Buffy.

“It was a spell,” says Anya. “We were helpless. We’re not responsible for anything we did, morally or, you know, legally.”

“True,” says Xander. “You fell for a mystical, ancient curse. Who hasn’t made that mistake…seven, eight times?”

Buffy goes over to Dawn, who's sitting by herself on the sofa, and sits down beside her. “You hear that? Not your fault.”

Dawn sighs. “I’m just so…the way I acted…the way I talked to you… I feel so stupid. All over a spell.”

Buffy smiles. “Get ready to feel even stupider when it’s not.”

“Hey, Anya,” says Willow, “you never told us what you ‘can’t believe you almost—’”

“Almost who now?” asks Anya.

“No. You can’t be the only not embarrassed one,” says Willow. “What did you do?”

“Uh…I, uh, wrote a poem,” says Anya. “An epic poem comparing him to a daisy…and a tower…and a lake.”

The music on the radio is replaced by a news report. “And now the latest on Sunnydale’s late-night bandit, who is still at large,” says the reporter. “A masked thief held up a number of businesses—”

Anya hits the power button on the radio. “Okay! Great! Ice cream! My treat?”

Death Toll

Notes

1. Given the way things play out in this episode, I have to wonder if Lori pushed the vending machine.