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| Buffy vs Dracula | The Replacement |
Giles slowly walks around Buffy in a gym, talking in a low, almost hypnotic voice. “There is nothing but you. You are the center. And within you, there is the core of your being.”
Buffy is leaning her hands on a six by six pedestal of wood about two feet high.
“Find it. Breathe into it. Focus inward. Let the world fall away…fall away…fall away.”
As Giles talks Buffy swings herself up into a handstand on the pedestal. She concentrates on her balance, and the sound of the Giles’ voice fades away. Buffy raises her left hand off the pedestal. She balances on one hand, only hearing the sound of her own breathing.
Buffy’s concentration is broken by the sound of a toppling stack of crystals. She loses her balance and falls to the floor. Giles takes off his glasses and shoots an annoyed look across the gym at the person who knocked over the crystals.
Buffy looks up and sees her sister leaning over her.
“Can we go now?” asks Dawn.
Dawn sits on her bed writing in her journal:
“Nobody knows who I am, not the real me. It’s like nobody cares enough to find out. I mean, does anyone ever ask me what I want to do with my life? Or what my opinion is on stuff? Or what restaurant to order in from? No!!! No one understands. No one has an older sister who’s a Slayer.”
Buffy, Joyce and Dawn get their breakfasts in the kitchen.
“People wouldn’t be so crazy about her if they had to live in the same house with her every single day. Everybody cares what she thinks just ’cause she can do backflips and stuff. Like that’s such a crucial job skill in the real world. Plus Mom lets her get away with everything. “Your sister’s saving the world.” I could so save the world if somebody handed me super powers, but I’d think of a cool name and wear a mask to protect my loved ones, which Buffy doesn’t even.”
Buffy gets a carton of milk out of the fridge, and a banana out of the bowl of fruit on the counter. She puts them down, and goes to get a bowl out of the cupboard. Joyce takes some of the milk for her coffee. Buffy puts the bowl on the counter and goes to get a knife to slice up her banana. Dawn takes Buffy’s bowl to use for her breakfast cereal. Buffy comes back and finds her bowl gone, and casts an annoyed look at her sister. She goes to the cupboard for another, while Dawn pours the last of the milk onto her cereal.
“If this town wasn’t so lame everyone would completely know what she does. Then I bet they wouldn’t even be that impressed, because, like, killing things with wood? Oh, scary vampires, they die from a splinter.”
Buffy pours some cereal into her bowl. She picks up the carton of milk and discovers that Dawn has taken the last of it.
Joyce asks Buffy what her plans are for the day. Buffy looks like she’s planning to kill her sister, but she tells her mother that she and Giles are going to go shopping at the magic shop for some supplies she’ll be needing for her new training regimen. Joyce thinks that sounds great. Buffy can take Dawn along to go shopping for her back-to-school supplies.
Neither Buffy, nor Dawn likes that idea. Dawn thought that she would be doing that with her mother. Joyce explains that she can’t. She has to spend the day preparing for the new Gurion exhibit at the gallery. Buffy doesn’t think that they will find many back to school supplies at the magic shop.
“Yeah, Mom. I’m not going to Hogwarts.” Dawn laughs, and looks at Buffy, waiting for a reaction to her joke, but doesn’t get one. “Jeez, crack a book sometime.”
Joyce tells Buffy that she can have Giles drop her and Dawn at the mall after they are finished at the magic shop. Buffy doesn’t want to do it, she was planning on some quality Watcher/Slayer time with Giles, since Dawn messed up her training yesterday.
“Did not!” says Dawn.
“Oh, you know you did too,” says Buffy.
Joyce understands how important Buffy’s Slayer training is, but she really needs Buffy’s help right now.
Before they can talk about it further there is a knock on the door. Joyce opens it, and lets Riley in. He says “Good morning” to her, and tells her she looks great. Joyce thanks him, and heads upstairs to finish getting ready to go to work.
Buffy goes over to greet Riley with a kiss. “Suck up.”
“What? It’s a nice outfit,” says Riley. “Besides, ‘I’m here to violate your firstborn’ never goes over with parents. I’m not sure why.” He and Buffy continue to hold each other and kiss.
Dawn rolls her eyes at them. She is mildly disgusted by the display.
“Riley, my sister’s boyfriend is so into her. They’re always kissing… and groping. I bet they’ve had sex.”
Buffy and Riley quit kissing. “Hi kid,” he says to Dawn.
“I’m not a kid!” says Dawn, and heads back to the kitchen. Buffy and Riley move into the living room and sit down on the sofa. Buffy is surprised to see him. Riley is a little surprised by her surprise. He thought they had plans for today.
“Plans?” asks Buffy. “We planned plans?”
“Well, you said, ‘Come over tomorrow and we’ll hang,’ and then I said, ‘Okay.’ Not the invasion of Normandy, but still a plan.”
Buffy tells him that they will have to put it off. Giles is on his way to pick her up. “Are you mad at me?”
“No, no. Not at all. I’m plotting your death, but in a happy way.” Riley understands how important her new training is. He’ll see her again this evening. He kisses Buffy goodbye and heads for the door. “See ya, kid!” Riley calls out to Dawn as he goes.
“I’m not a kid!” yells Dawn from the kitchen.
Giles drives Buffy and Dawn to the magic shop in his new car. A shiny red, two door, BMW convertible. He tells Buffy that he’s sure that Riley understands the importance of training. “You can’t allow personal concerns to distract you from—” He is distracted by Dawn, who has leaned forward from the back seat and started fiddling with the radio, switching it away from the classical music station it had been tuned to. “Dawn, will you stop fiddling with the radio and sit down?”
Dawn slumps down in the back seat.
“I don’t think Buffy’s Watcher likes me too much. I think it’s ’cause he’s just so…old. I’m not sure how old he is, but I heard him use the word ‘newfangled’ one time, so he’s gotta be pretty far gone.”
Buffy has been checking out the shopping list Giles has prepared. There are a lot of books on it. She hopes that some of them are available on tape. Giles wonders about her commitment to her new training. They are moving into new territory for both of them.
Giles tries to shift gears, and the engine of his car revs. “Blast!”
“You put it in neutral again, huh?” asks Buffy.
“I’m not used to this automatic transmission,” says Giles. “I loathe this sitting here not contributing. No, no, no. It’s not working out.”
Buffy thinks that Giles’ love affair with his new car is wearing off awfully quickly.
“Well, it did seduce me, all red and sporty.”
“Little two door tramp,” says Buffy.
Giles thinks that if they are going to be getting serious about this training thing, Buffy should start treating him with a little more respect. Buffy doesn’t think that’s too likely, but Giles tells her he’s serious. “There’s going to be far less time for the sort of flighty, frivolous—”
“Hey! There’s Willow and Tara.” Dawn points to the couple coming out of the Espresso Pump.
“Ooh. They haven’t seen my new car!” Giles pulls over to the curb beside them. He, Buffy and Dawn hop out of the car. Willow and Tara are suitably impressed with his new wheels. Buffy asks them where they are going, and Willow tells her that they are on the way to the magic shop to pick up some charms she ordered. Dawn says “Hi!” to them.
Willow gives Dawn a hug. “Hey Dawny! How’s my favourite chess partner? Still leading with your knight?”
“Willow’s the awesomest person. She’s the only one I know who likes school as much as me. Even her friends are cool, like Tara. She and Willow are both witches. They do spells and stuff, which is so much cooler than Slaying. I told Mom one time I wish they’d teach me some of the things they do together, and then she got really quiet and made me go upstairs. I guess her generation isn’t cool with witchcraft.”
The five of them walk down the block toward the magic shop. Buffy tells Willow she’s had to rearrange her class schedule to make room for her daily training sessions with Giles.
“That’s a work ethic! Buffy, you’re developing a work ethic!” Willow is impressed, until Buffy tells her that her new schedule means that she has to drop the drama class she was supposed to be taking with her. “What? You have to. You promised.”
“I know,” says Buffy, “but Giles said that it just was—”
“The hell with Giles!” says Willow.
“I can hear you, Willow,” says Giles.
“Drama is just Tuesday and Thursday afternoons,” says Willow. “You can blow off training Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, can’t you?”
“What happened to ‘people got to respect a work ethic?’” asks Buffy.
“Other people,” says Willow. “Not me. There’s a whole best friend loophole.”
Tara has reached The Magic Box, and looks in the window. It’s dark inside, and the blinds are closed. It doesn’t look like it’s open. Giles thinks that is kind of odd.
The front door of the store isn’t locked, and the group enters, and starts to look around.1 It’s clear that something has happened there. The place looks like it has been ransacked.
Tara calls out for Mr. Bogarty—the owner—but no one answers. Willow walks further in—stepping down a couple of steps into a lower section at the back of the shop—and trips over something in the darkness. Buffy asks her if she’s okay.
“I’m fine,” says Willow. “I just tripped over…Mr. Bogarty.” The shop owner is lying on the floor, with bite marks on his neck.
Dawn—who had been bringing up the rear of the group—tries to elbow her way forward to see what’s going on. Buffy grabs her and hustles her toward the door.
Buffy takes Dawn outside the shop, and tells her to stay there, and not go anywhere. She goes back inside to examine the body. Dawn tries to look in through the window to see what is going on.
“Whatcha doing?” a man asks from behind Dawn.
Dawn spins around, and sees that the man is wearing a filthy suit, and he hasn’t shaved for a couple of days. It has probably been longer since his last bath. She starts to back away from him.
“What are you doing here?” asks the man. “Can’t loiter. There’s no loitering. That’s why I’m a cat. Quiet. See, cat’s in the cupboard, but they find you there anyway, and it hurts.”
Dawn backs up against a van. She can’t go any further and looks around desperately for an escape.
“Please make it stop.” The man starts to slap at himself. “Shut up. Shut up. They’ll hear you.”
“Buff—” calls out Dawn, but the man puts his finger over her mouth, and she stops.
He takes his finger away, and stares at her. “I know you. Curds and whey2. I know what you are. You don’t belong here.”
Dawn is terrified.
Tara comes out of the Magic Box and finds Dawn sitting on the curb, leaning against the building. There is no sign of the man. Tara asks if she’s okay.
“Is…is that guy dead in there?” asks Dawn.
Tara sits down beside Dawn. “Yeah. They’re going to be a little while longer doing the detective thing. Best non-scoobies like you and me stay out of their way.” They sit quietly for a little while, neither of them saying anything. “Do you want to thumb wrestle?” asks Tara.
“Okay,” says Dawn. She and Tara link hands and start to play a game of thumb wrestling.
Giles closes the lifeless eyes of Mr. Bogarty. He has multiple bite marks on his neck and arms. It looks like at least four vampires fed off him. Willow has been checking the store’s inventory records to see what’s missing. The vampires took several books, including A Treatise on the Mythology and Methodology of the Vampire Slayer.
Buffy consults her shopping list. “Oh shoot! Was that the only copy?”
Giles thinks that they have something a little more pressing to worry about. It looks like whoever did this was looking for information on Buffy, possibly hoping to find a weakness. He takes the inventory book from Willow and starts to look it over.
What Giles finds astounds him. “I had no idea the profit margins on a shop like this were so high.” He flips pages. “Low overhead, out-of-state orders, international— It’s no wonder there’s never any trouble attracting new owners. Place like this is a virtual—”
“Deathtrap?”3 asks Buffy.
Giles agrees that is a downside, but there’s lots of room, the shop has an excellent location, and the death rate probably keeps the rent low. Willow pulls his attention back to the matter at hand, and asks what they should do next. Giles thinks that Buffy should start hunting for this new gang of vampires in town right away. Buffy says she’ll get Riley, and get right on it.
“Wait, aren’t you forgetting something?” asks Willow. “You’re on Dawn duty.”
“Oh, duty!” says Buffy. “I’ve got to drop my sister back at home. My mother’s going to kill me.”
Giles has gone back to assessing the real estate value of the shop. While looking around he notices that a display case has been broken open, and something taken from it. Buffy asks what it was.
“I should think an item of value, or power,” says Giles. “Possible even a, uh—”
Willow has checked the inventory book. “A unicorn. 10-Inch ceramic unicorn imported from Thailand.”
“Was it valuable?” asks Buffy.
“List price, $12.95,” says Willow.
“Which begs the question: what kind of an unholy creature fancies cheap tasteless statuary?” asks Giles.
Harmony claps for attention from her four minions. She is really pleased with the way their raid went, and she is especially pleased with the gift that Brad brought her: a 10-inch ceramic unicorn, which she places with her collection of other unicorns. Harmony’s other minions give Brad an annoyed look.
“I had to get her something,” he tells them. “She sired me.”
“Sire-whipped,” mutters Peaches under her breath.
Harmony tells her minions that she has been reading the dust jackets of the books that they brought her, and she thinks that they are going to be really useful for their plan.
Another of Harmony’s minions raises his hand to ask her a question. She can’t remember his name. “Cyrus,” he tells her. “When are we going to do it?”
“Eww. That’s rude,” says Harmony. “I barely know you, and you’re a minion.”
“He means the plan,” says her fourth minion. A really big vampire named Mort. “When are we going to do the plan?”
“Oh! The plan,” says Harmony. “Well, first let me tell you I’m really psyched about it and I hope the rest of you—”
“When?” demands Mort.
“Tonight!” shouts Harmony. “We kill the Slayer tonight.”
Buffy talks to her mother in Joyce’s room while Joyce gets ready to leave for the reception at her gallery. As Buffy predicted, Joyce is not pleased to hear that instead of taking Dawn shopping for school supplies, Buffy took her to a murder scene.
Joyce is also not pleased that Buffy wants to dump Dawn to go out patrolling with Riley. “I have to be at the pre-show reception in half an hour. Who’s going to watch Dawn?”
“I don’t need anyone to watch me!” shouts Dawn from her room.
Buffy and Joyce both turn toward the door. “Yes, you do!” they shout together. Buffy asks her mother if she can go out on patrol if she can find an acceptable baby-sitter.
“Baby-sitter?” calls out Dawn. “I’m fourteen. I’m old enough to be a baby-sitter!”
“And who are you going to get on such short notice?” asks Joyce.
“I can take care of myself!” shouts Dawn.
Buffy thinks for a couple of seconds. “Xander.”
“Xander?” asks Joyce.
They hear the sound of Dawn running down the hallway. She appears at Joyce’s door. “Okay.”
The doorbell rings. Dawn checks her hair, and the dress she has put on, before she opens the door and greets Xander with a big smile.
Xander has arrived bearing pizza. Joyce gives him some last minute instructions, and her card with her cell phone number on it. She gives Dawn a kiss, and tells her to be good.
“Oh, we will,” says Xander. “We’re just going to play with matches, run with scissors, take candy from some guy— I don’t know his name.” Joyce leaves.
“Xander is so much cuter than anyone. And smarter too. He totally skipped college and got a job working construction, which is so kind of deep, you know. He builds things. And he’s brave too. Just last week he went undercover to stop that Dracula guy. Xander treats everyone like an equal. He doesn’t look down on people.”
Dawn starts to close the door after her mother leaves, but Anya is on the way in carrying some board game boxes. “Hello there, little girl,” she tells Dawn.
“Even when he should.”
“We are going to have fun, fun, fun!” says Anya. “Look, I’ve got Monopoly, Clue, and, ooh, The Game of Life! That sounds good!” Dawn is not happy to see her.
“Poor Dawn,” says Tara. “She was pretty shaken up.” She and Willow are unpacking boxes in Willow’s new dorm room.
“Well, sure,” says Willow. “Bloody death and stuff. She’ll be okay.”
That isn’t the only thing Tara thinks is bothering Dawn. It must be tough on her that she isn’t even allowed to help. Willow thinks that Dawn is still a little young to be getting involved in that stuff.
“I know. You’re right,” says Tara. “It’s just hard, that outsider feeling.”
“Tara, you’re not an outsider,” says Willow, but Tara feels like she is. Willow asks if someone is making her uncomfortable. “Is it Xander? It’s Xander, isn’t it?”
“Xander’s a sweetie!” says Tara.
“It’s Giles!” says Willow. “It’s ’cause he’s British and doesn’t understand about stuff.”
Tara tells her that it isn’t anyone. It is just that their group has this really tight bond. “It’s hard to break into that, and I’m not even sure I want to.”
“I’m sure.” Willow comes up behind Tara and hugs her. “You’re completely one of the gang now. Everyone accepts that. You’re one of the good guys.” An unhappy expression crosses Tara’s face.
Willow suggests that maybe they can do some sort of Scooby initiation to make Tara feel welcome, or get themselves some sort of special ring that they can all wear to identify themselves as members, but Tara doesn’t want that. She thinks it might be nice for Dawn though. She worries about her.
“You don’t have to,” says Willow. “She’s got big sister Buffy happily looking out for her.”
Buffy is currently not happy that people are expecting her to be looking out for Dawn, and shielding her from things that might upset her.
“Like dead shopkeepers?” asks Riley.
“She didn’t see him!” says Buffy. “A foot maybe, a dead foot, which is bad, okay, but, hello? I see dead stuff all the time. And you don’t see Mom shielding me.”
Buffy and Riley are passing through the cemetery. Riley starts to tell Buffy something, but she stops him. She’s spotted something suspicious. It turns out to be a trash can. Riley thinks that Buffy has gotten rather tense lately. Not about the new vampire gang in town, but about Dawn.
“I guess,” says Buffy. “It’s just— I don’t know. I know it’s always been this way. She’s the baby. But for some reason lately it’s just really getting to me. I mean, she’s always around.”
Riley thinks it’s because Dawn idolizes her big sister. “You have super powers, and college, a studly, yet sensitive boyfriend.”
“And a pesky life-or-death job that I can’t quit or even take a break from,” says Buffy.
“She doesn’t get the sacrifices,” says Riley. “She’s a kid.”
“And that’s what bugs!” says Buffy. “She gets to be a kid, and she acts like it’s the biggest burden in the world. Sometimes I would like to just curl up in Mom’s lap and not worry about the fate of the world. I’d like to be the one who’s protected, who’s waited on…”
“…hand and foot!” Dawn puts another spoonful of chocolate icecream into her mouth. She, Xander, and Anya are sitting around the living room coffee table playing The Game of Life. She isn’t happy that Buffy always gets her own way, and is treated like the favourite.
“You nut,” says Xander. “Your Mom loves you both equally. But if I’m wrong, I find money usually helps tip the scale. Slip Joyce a ten or a twenty once in a while. Then we’ll see who’s the favourite.”
“He says I’m like a kid sister. But sometimes, when he looks at me, I feel like he sees me as I am… as a woman.”
Xander looks at Dawn watching him, chocolate icecream dribbling down her chin.
Anya takes her turn. “Crap! Look at this.” She slaps her cards down on the table. “Now I’m burdened with a husband, and several tiny pink children, more cash than I can reasonably manage.” Xander explains to her that all means that she’s winning. Anya instantly brightens up. “Ooh! I’m so pleased.” She picks up the little plastic children. “Can I trade in the children for more cash?”
They’re interrupted by the front window being smashed. They all duck, and Xander covers Dawn with his body. A rock with a note wrapped around it rolls across the floor.
Xander picks it up and reads the note. “Slayer, come out and die.” The ‘i’ in ‘die’ is dotted with a smiley face. Xander hears a familiar voice coming from outside.
“I’m waiting for you, Buffy!” calls Harmony. “I know you’re in there!” Xander looks out the broken window, and sees her standing on the front lawn with her minions behind her.
Harmony doesn’t believe Xander when he tells her Buffy isn’t home. He stands just inside the open front door, while Harmony and her minions stand outside on the porch. Anya and Dawn watch from behind Xander.
“I bet she’ll be real sorry she missed your call.” Xander tells Harmony. “’Fraid you and your buddies are going to have to come back and be killed by Buffy later.”
“They’re not my buddies,” says Harmony. “They’re my minions.”
Xander finds that idea very amusing. He starts to laugh. “Look out! It’s the terrifying Harmony gang! Ooh!”
Harmony tells Xander to stop laughing and tries to come into the house, but she’s stopped by the invisible barrier at the door. Dawn cringes back and tries to hide behind Anya.
Xander can’t imagine who would be so pathetic that they would follow Harmony, but then he recognises one of them. “Is that Brad Konig? Hey, Brad, who’d have thought when you were beating up kids in gym class, you’d end up Harmony’s lapdog?”
Harmony is unimpressed. She’s heard what Dracula did to him. “I hear that mind control thing he does works really well on weak, ’fraidy-cat losers. You didn’t stand a chance.”
“Shut up!” says Dawn.
Xander turns to look at her. “Dawn, I’m handling this.” He turns back to Harmony. “Shut up, Harmony!”
“Make me,” says Harmony.
“I’m afraid I don’t feel like getting into another hair-pulling contest with you,” says Xander.
“You’re the hair-puller, you big girl,” says Harmony.
“Oh, yeah?” says Dawn. “Come inside and say that. Xander’ll kick your—”
“Dawn, no!” shouts Anya.
Harmony transforms into her vampire face and lunges through the door at Xander.
Xander and Harmony fight on the floor in the front hall of the Summers house. Dawn runs away up the stairs, and Anya runs back into the kitchen to find herself a weapon. Harmony gets on top of Xander and starts punching him. Her minions try to come in after her, but they’re stopped at the door. Dawn’s invitation was for Harmony alone.
Anya comes back empty handed. “You’d think the Slayer’s house would have more weapons lying around,” she mutters to herself, and picks up a lamp from a table in the hall.
“Not such a pushover anymore, am I?” Harmony asks Xander. “I’ve been working out. Learning some new tricks.” She starts to lean down toward Xander’s neck to bite him. “Honing my…” Harmony suddenly straightens up and knocks the lamp out of Anya’s hands before Anya can bash her with it. “…instincts.”
Xander kicks out at Harmony with both feet. He knocks her out the door, and into her minions, who all fall back off the porch. He and Anya quickly close and bolt the door.
“This isn’t over, Xander. I’ll be back!” shouts Harmony.
“And we’ll be ready for you!” yells Xander through the door. “Stakes, crosses, the whole enchilada!” He turns and looks at Anya. “Buffy is not going to be happy about this.”
Buffy sits on the kitchen counter laughing hysterically. “Harmony…Harmony has minions?” she manages to get out.
Xander tells Buffy that that was pretty much his reaction too, but there is a serious side to what happened. Buffy has trouble accepting that. She’s laughing so hard that she’s having trouble breathing. Xander tells her that Harmony did come to the house planning to kill her. This only makes Buffy laugh harder.
Riley thinks that Buffy is taking this a little too lightly. Harmony’s gang did manage to kill Mr. Bogarty. She might actually be a threat.
“Especially now that she can enter your house anytime she wants,” says Anya.
Buffy stops laughing. “What?”
“Uh, yeah,” says Xander. “Actually, she…Harmony, kind of happened to sort of get an invite.”
“You guys can’t invite her in.” Buffy slides down off the counter. “I mean, only someone who lives here can—” Buffy knows who must have done it. “Where is she?”
Anya tells Buffy that Dawn is up in her room. She is still pretty freaked out by what happened.
Buffy doesn’t care. “Dawn!” she shouts, and heads toward the stairs.
Xander tries to slow Buffy down. It wasn’t really Dawn’s fault, it was an accident.
“Oh, well, that just makes it okay, then, doesn’t it?” asks Buffy.
“No,” says Xander. “But believe me, nobody feels worse than her right now.”
Harmony leads her minions back through the cemetery. “What a total disaster. My first plan. I so wanted it to go well. Plus, I didn’t even get to kill stupid Xander Harris. God, that was so embarrassing.”
Mort suggests that they can go back later, but Harmony doesn’t think that’s a good idea. They’ve lost the element of surprise.
Cyrus is hungry. His stomach is growling. Peaches suggests that the census taker they have back in their lair may not be empty yet.
Brad doesn’t want to go back. He wants to find some action. Someone taps him on the shoulder and he turns around. His face is greeted by a fist.
“Happy to oblige,” says Spike. “And here I thought it was going to be a slow night. Step on up, kiddies. Thrashings for all.”
Peaches, Cyrus and Mort start to move toward Spike until Harmony tells them to stop. She steps out from behind Mort.
Spike sees Harmony for the first time this evening. “Well, hello Harm.” He and Harmony exchange a little chit chat, and Spike invites her back to his crypt to watch a little telly.
“Why are you talking to him?” asks Mort.
Harmony tells him it’s okay, she and Spike used to go steady, and she starts to introduce them to each other.
“I know who he is,” says Mort. “He kills our kind.”
“Oh, yeah. What’s up with that?” Harmony asks Spike.
“Bloke’s got to have a hobby, don’t he?” asks Spike, and he tells Mort to piss off.
Harmony asks Mort to give her a couple of minutes with Spike, and Mort backs off a bit. “He’s really testy,” she tells Spike. “Some of us were thinking of voting him out of the gang.”
Spike finds the idea of Harmony having a gang to be nearly as amusing as everyone else. He’s further amused to learn that she’s planning to kill the Slayer “Singing my song now, are you? You should pay me royalties for that one, or at least get your own tune.”
Harmony thinks she’s going to do a better job of it than Spike ever did. “I’ve been doing my homework, reading books and stuff.”
“What, Evil for Dummies?” asks Spike. He thinks that Harmony’s new ambition is adorable, but she should leave Slayer slaying to the professionals.
“You’ll see,” says Harmony. “Buffy will be dead by sunrise. I’ve got a plan.”
“Let me guess,” says Spike “Snatch one of her friends, use ’em as bait, lead her into a trap. That sort of thing?”
“No,” says Harmony. “Much, much better one.” Spike gives her an inquiring look. “I’m not going to tell you!”
“Thought as much,” says Spike. “Best of luck. Let me know how this arch villain thing works out for you.” He turns and walks away.
“I’ll do that,” says Harmony to his departing back. “And after Buffy is gone, I’m going to kill everybody in this town that was ever mean to me, Spike!” Spike waves to her without turning around.
Harmony turns back to her minions. “Guys, new plan!”
Buffy loads up on stakes and other weapons in her room. Riley thinks that it’s a lot of weapons for someone that Buffy wasn’t worried about twenty minutes ago.
“Well, that was before Dawn gave Harmony a backstage pass to kill us all in our sleep,” says Buffy.
Xander isn’t too concerned. He’s already left a message for Willow to come over to redo the un-invitation spell. She probably still has everything she needs from last week.
Buffy doesn’t care. “It’s not like Dawn hasn’t grown up in this house knowing all the rules. Especially, the biggie, numero one-O: ‘Do not invite bloodsucking dead people into our home!’” She doesn’t know that Dawn is standing right outside her door, listening. “I mean, please. I would never have Harmony over even when she was alive.”
Xander tells Buffy that people make mistakes. Joyce invited Dracula into the house last week for coffee. Buffy thinks that’s different. Among other things Joyce didn’t know that he was a vampire when she did it. Dawn knew exactly what Harmony was.
“She’s just a kid,” says Riley.
“Will everybody please stop saying that?” says Buffy. “I was just a kid when I met my first vampire, but somehow, I still managed to remember the rules.”
“You had to,” says Riley. “It was your job.”
“No.” says Buffy. “It was common sense. But nobody expects even that much from Dawn, do they? No, she has to be protected and coddled from the big, bad world. Well, you know what? We are doing nothing but turning her into a little idiot who is going to get us all killed!”
Dawn has heard enough. She turns away from Buffy’s door and runs downstairs.
“She just has to be more careful,” says Buffy. “I can’t be there to protect her twenty-four hours a day. I just can’t.”
Dawn runs into the kitchen where Anya is preparing a cup of coffee and heads for the back door. Anya tells her to stop, but Dawn keeps going out the door into the back yard. Anya chases after her. She grabs Dawn and starts to push her back toward the door.
“Leave me alone,” says Dawn.
“I will after you come back inside the house,” says Anya. “It’s not safe out here.”
Dawn sees something behind Anya, and gasps.
“You got that right,” says Mort. He punches Anya, knocking her flying through the open door. She bangs her arm on the doorframe as she passes through it. Mort grabs Dawn and passes her off to Cyrus and Peaches. He turns back to look at Anya, lying unconscious on the kitchen floor, but she’s outside of his reach. He follows Harmony’s other minions as they drag Dawn away.
Xander, Riley and Buffy find Anya lying on the kitchen floor, and the open back door. Anya is just starting to wake up. “Oh, vampires took…” she says weakly.
Riley thinks that the wound on Anya’s head looks bad. She’s going to need to be taken to the hospital. Buffy picks up the phone and dials 911.
“They took her…” says Anya. Xander tries to tell her to take it easy. “Dawn.” says Anya.
That instantly gets Buffy’s attention. She wants to know what happened to Dawn.
“She ran out,” says Anya. “They took her. Vampires.”
Buffy hands the phone off to Riley and tells him to take care of Anya. She runs out the back door.
Harmony is really, really proud of her minionators. This plan is going great. Mort enters from a side chamber and Harmony asks him if he’s made their guest comfortable.
“You told me to chain her to a wall,” says Mort.
“Yeah, I know,” says Harmony. “I’m being, you know, sarcastic or whatever?”
Cyrus is hungry. He wants to know when they can eat the girl. Harmony tells him he can’t. Not yet. That isn’t part of the plan. First they have to send Buffy a note telling her that they have her sister, and for her to come to some place of their choosing alone, so they can kill her.
“More notes?” asks Peaches.
Mort and Cyrus don’t think that it matters if they eat the girl or not. The Slayer isn’t going to know one way or the other.
“We’re not eating the girl!” says Harmony.
“Why not?” asks Peaches.
“’Cause, that’s not the plan!” says Harmony.
Spike fiddles with the rabbit ear antenna on his television set, trying to get a half decent picture. It isn’t working. He thinks he’s going to have to steal himself a satellite dish.
Buffy kicks open Spike’s door and comes into his crypt. “Well, well, speaking of dishes, to what do I owe this unpleasant—” Buffy punches him on the nose. “Ow! Bloody hell!”
Buffy doesn’t have time for banter. She asks Spike where Harmony is. Spike starts to tell her he has no idea, he hasn’t seen her for months, and gets another punch on the nose.
“Where is she,” asks Buffy.
“At least lay off the nose,” says Spike. Buffy raises her fist to punch him again. “Okay, okay. Used to have a cave in the north woods. About forty meters past the overpass construction site.”
Buffy punches Spike again, and turns to leave.
“Ow!” says Spike. “I was telling you the truth!”
“I know,” says the departing Buffy.
“They don’t respect me.” Harmony tells Dawn, who’s chained to the wall. “They pretend they do, but deep down they think I’m nothing. I mean, I’m the one who put this group together. Me, but they treat me like I don’t even matter. Do you have any idea what that feels like?”
“A little,” says Dawn.
“They have no idea how much pressure I’m under. I have to make all the hard decisions, and it’s hard.”
Dawn sees Mort and the rest of the minions coming into the chamber and gasps. Harmony turns and looks at them. “Excuse me. I didn’t hear anybody knock.”
Mort and the others have been talking things over. They don’t like this plan, and they have all—except for Brad, who abstained—voted on a new one. “We’re going to feed on the girl and kill you,” says Mort. “Maybe not in that order.”
“I don’t think I like your attitude, Mort,” says Harmony. “Kill him for me,” she tells the others. None of her minions makes a move. “All right. You’re all on my list.”
Harmony starts to back away as Mort steps toward her. Dawn starts to struggle, trying to break free from her chains.
“This isn’t fair,” says Harmony. “Okay, so things haven’t been perfect. I just need a little more time to grow into my leadership role.”
“Time’s up.” Mort grabs Harmony by the throat and pushes her up against the wall. Cyrus advances toward Dawn.
“Touch me and my sister’s going to kill you,” says Dawn.
Cyrus thinks that’s funny. He reaches out with a finger and pokes Dawn on the shoulder. He and the other vampires start to laugh.
There is the sound of whistling air, and Cyrus looks down and sees the point of a stake sticking out of his chest before he turns to dust.
“Can’t say she didn’t warn him,” says Buffy.
Mort lets go of Harmony, and he and the other vampires turn toward Buffy.
“And you didn’t like the plan.” Harmony tells Mort.
“Dawn, close your eyes,” says Buffy. Dawn does as she’s told.
Harmony steps toward Buffy. “So, Slayer, at last we meet.”
“We’ve met, Harmony, you halfwit,” says Buffy.
“I’m the halfwit?” asks Harmony. “Um, excuse me, but look who’s fallen into my…” Peaches rushes at Buffy carrying a battle axe. She swings, and Buffy ducks under it. Buffy comes back up and plunges a stake into Peaches’ chest. As Peaches dusts Buffy catches the axe and uses it to behead Brad who was rushing at her with a mace. “…trap.”
“Harmony, when you tried to be head cheerleader, you were bad,” says Buffy. “When you tried to chair the Homecoming committee, you were really bad. But when you try to be bad…you suck.”
Dawn has opened her eyes again, and sees Mort trying to sneak up behind Buffy while she’s distracted by Harmony. She calls out a warning. Buffy spins the axe around, but Mort blocks it, knocks it away from her, and hits Buffy with his sledge hammer. Buffy falls to the floor.
“Oh, good shot, Mort!” says Harmony. “I think you got her—” Mort turns to glare at Harmony, and she realizes that whoever wins this fight is bad news for her. She slips away. Harmony’s distraction allows Buffy to recover enough to avoid Mort’s next swing with his hammer. She jumps to her feet, knocks the hammer away from him, and grabs a piece of two by four which she breaks over his head. It doesn’t seem to affect him much.
Buffy and Mort trade punches and kicks. Mort is a big, strong, vampire, and he shrugs off most of her attacks. He grabs Buffy by the throat and lifts her off the ground. Buffy notices that her feet are dangling by a wooden carousel unicorn from Harmony’s collection. She breaks free from Mort by kicking off his chest into a back flip, picks up the unicorn, and plunges its horn into his heart. Mort explodes into dust.
Buffy picks up the axe, and advances toward Dawn. “You are going to be in so much trouble when we get home!” She swings the axe at the chains holding Dawn.
“Yeah, well, I’m telling Mom you slayed in front of me,” says Dawn.
“Fine.” Buffy swings the axe again. “I’ll just tell her that you ran out of the house in the middle of the night!” She swings again. “That you got Anya hurt!” Another swing of the axe. “Invited a vampire in!” Swing. “Got kidnapped!”
Buffy and Dawn quietly enter their house through the back door. Joyce has just gotten home herself, and is coming in through the front door. She apologises for being late, and asks if everything is okay.
“Yeah.” Buffy looks at Dawn. “You know, I got the vamps and we watched some TV.”
Joyce thinks its a little late for Dawn to still be awake. She gives her a goodnight kiss, and sends her off to bed. Buffy asks her mother how the exhibit went.
Dawn sits at a round table at the back of the Magic Box writing in her journal.
“Buffy probably would have gotten in way more trouble than me anyway, but I guess it was pretty okay of her not to say anything to Mom. Anya’s going to be okay and Xander wasn’t mad at me, so stuff mostly worked out.”
Giles is unpacking boxes. Buffy asks him if he’s sure this is a good idea.
“Why wouldn’t I be?” asks Giles.
“Well, aside from the fact that most magic shop owners in Sunnydale have the life expectancy of a Spinal Tap drummer, have you ever run a store before?” asks Buffy.
“I was a librarian for years. This is exactly the same, except people pay for the things they don’t return.” Giles thinks that running the shop will give his life focus, and it will keep Buffy and her friends from trampling over his apartment at all hours. There is even room in the back for Buffy’s training sessions.
“Boy, you’ve really thought this through,” says Buffy. “How bored were you last year?”
“I watched Passions with Spike. Let us never speak of it.” Giles goes into the back room. Buffy follows him, laughing.
Buffy reappears at the door. “Don’t break anything,” she tells Dawn, and goes back inside. She sticks her head back out the door. “Just don’t touch anything.” She goes back inside and then reappears again. “What you’re doing right now, not moving? Good. Keep doing that.”
“Not that Buffy’s really changed at all. Like she ever would. She still thinks I’m Little Miss Nobody, just her dumb little sister. Boy, is she in for a surprise.”
| Who or What | Where | How |
|---|---|---|
| Mr. Bogarty | The Magic Box | Killed by vampires |
| The vampire Cyrus | Harmony’s Lair | Staked in the back by Buffy |
| The vampire Peaches | Harmony’s Lair | Staked by Buffy |
| The vampire Brad | Harmony’s Lair | Beheaded by Buffy |
| The vampire Mort | Harmony’s Lair | Staked with a carousel unicorn by Buffy |