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Band Candy

Prologue

Buffy and Giles are having a late night SAT preparation session in one of Sunnydale’s cemeteries. She’s sitting with her test booklet on a blanket on the ground near a headstone, while Giles reads questions to her from a book. It’s interrupted when Buffy spots a vampire coming up behind him.

Buffy jumps to her feet. “Roll!”

Giles looks up from the SAT test book. “What?” He sees Buffy coming toward him. He rolls out of her way as Buffy vaults the headstone and attacks the vampire. After a brief fight, she stakes it with her pencil.

Buffy examines the tip of her pencil. “Hm. I broke my number two pencil. We’ll have to do this again sometime.”

Giles extends his hand with a fresh pencil in it. Buffy takes it, and tosses her broken pencil at him. She sits back down on her blanket and picks up her booklet. “I just know that us and the undead are the only people in Sunnydale working this late.”

“I realize it is early—for you—but I think you’ll agree that this matter is urgent.” Mayor Wilkins tells Mr. Trick in his office. “Also…delicate.”

“I’m a very delicate person,” says Mr. Trick.

“So you feel you can handle this?” asks the Mayor.

“It’s a little out of my element, but I can get you what you need. I know a beast who knows a guy.”

“Are you sure that subcontracting is the way to go here?”

“Well, this guy’s worked your town before,” says Trick, “and if he lives up to his rep, this place’ll be in flames.”

Mayor Wilkins is anxious that things go according to plan. “I’ve made certain deals to get where I am today. This demon requires his tribute.” He opens a cabinet, revealing a collection of skulls, shrunken heads, and various other occult paraphernalia. “You see, that’s what separates me from other politicians, Mr. Trick. I keep my campaign promises.”

The Mayor takes out a shrunken head, lifts a lid in its top, and sniffs at it. “Where did I put that Scotch?”

Act I

Buffy walks down the stairway from the balcony toward the school courtyard. She tells Oz and Willow about her latest SAT nightmare. She was being chased by an unmarked answer bubble screaming “None of the above.”

“Wow. I hope that wasn’t one of your prophecy dreams,” says Willow. “Probably not.”

Oz offers to help Buffy study. He took them last year.

“Oz is the highest-scoring person ever to fail to graduate,” says Willow proudly.

They meet up with Xander and Cordelia, and head into the school. Willow asks Buffy if she’s on for more SAT studying tonight, but Buffy tells her no. “I’m putting in Mom time. She’s been drastic ever since I got back. And Giles is even worse. I’m supervised 24-7.”

They enter the cafeteria. Principal Snyder is there handing out boxes of candy.

Xander gets all excited. “Principal Snyder, thank you!” He takes a box. “You weren’t visited by the Ghost of Christmas Past, by any chance?”

“It’s Band Candy,” says Snyder.

“Let’s hear it for the band, huh?” says Buffy. “Very generous.”

“You will sell it to raise money for the marching band,” says Snyder. “They need new uniforms.”

“Yeah,” says Xander. “Those tall, fuzzy hats ain’t cheap, huh?”

“But they go with everything,” says Oz. Willow smiles at him.

“I’m sure we love the idea of going all Willy Loman but, we’re not in the band.” Buffy tells Snyder.

“And if I’d handed you a trombone, that would’ve been a problem, Summers.” Snyder hands her a box. “It’s candy. Sell it.”

Buffy unloads one of her boxes of chocolate bars on her mother while they eat a meal of take-out Chinese food at the island in their kitchen. Buffy also uses this as an opportunity to lobby her mother for permission to get her driver’s license. This is not something that Joyce wants her daughter doing.

“But I took the class,” says Buffy. “I watched the filmstrips with the blood and the death and the corpses. I’m prepped!”

Joyce gets herself a glass of juice from the fridge. “Honey, you failed the written test. They wouldn’t even let you take the road test.”

“That was a year ago,” says Buffy. “And I don’t test well…she said, two days before the SATs.”

“I spend enough time not knowing where you are,” says Joyce. “I don’t want to add to that the possibility that you’re on the highway to Chicago.”

“I can’t believe you,” says Buffy. “I’m not taking off again. Besides, if I wanted to, I could just get on a bus.”

“Stop!” says Joyce. “Don’t! I just don’t want you driving, okay? I want you here.”

That reminds Buffy that it is time her to be going. She has another late night study/slay session with Giles scheduled.

“Again?” asks Joyce. “Honey, don’t you think Mr. Giles is monopolizing an awful lot of your time?”

“And does he ever say he’s sorry?” asks Buffy.

“Ow!” says Buffy.

“Sorry!” says Giles. He had accidently pulled Buffy’s hair while putting a blindfold on her.

“Why do I put up with this?” asks Buffy.

“Because it is your destiny,” says Giles. “And because I just bought twenty cocorific candy bars.” He hands Buffy a red ball, like the sort you’d play dodge ball with.

“Okay, you’re just doing this to take funny pictures of me,” says Buffy.

“I’m doing it to test your awareness of an opponent’s location during a fight in total darkness. Now, wait five seconds and then throw the ball at me.” Giles quietly moves away from Buffy.

“You ran out of new training ideas about a week ago, huh? Okay. Five, four, three, two, one.” Buffy turns around, faces away from Giles, and throws the ball.

“It’s not that simple, is it—” The ball bounces off the wall and comes back and hits Giles in the head.

Buffy pulls off the blindfold and starts toward the library door.

“Where are you going?” asks Giles. “We have to patrol!”

“I can’t,” says Buffy. “Mom’s in hyperdrive. She wants me home tonight. I told you.”

“But, I—”

“I know, I know,” says Buffy. “She’s out of control. Enjoy the candy!”

Buffy uses the unsupervised time she has freed up for a clandestine visit with Angel. She finds him practicing Tai Chi in his garden. He’s still pretty weak, but he’s getting stronger. Buffy has brought him some fresh blood from the butcher’s.

Angel asks Buffy how things are going with her boyfriend Scott. Buffy still hasn’t told him that Scott dumped her, and she doesn’t. She tells him things are going fine.

“You’re being careful, right?” asks Angel.

“With Scott?” asks Buffy.

“The Slaying.”

“Oh. Uh…yeah,” says Buffy. “Of course. Full of carefulness.”

Angel tells Buffy that he worries about her. She worries about him too.

“I’m getting stronger,” says Angel.

“Yeah, pretty soon, you won’t even need me,” says Buffy.

“That’ll be better.”

Buffy isn’t sure what Angel means by that. “Yeah.”

Buffy finds her mother waiting for her in the foyer when she arrives home. “Hey! Uh, sorry I’m late. You know Giles. All slay, all the time.”

Giles steps out of the dining room and into view. “Hello, Buffy.” She’s busted. Buffy suddenly wants to watch Nightline on TV.

Joyce is not amused. “Buffy, you lied to us. And you made us into your alibis. That’s playing us against each other, and that’s not fair.”

“I called Willow,” adds Giles. “You also lied to her about your whereabouts. We were all concerned.”

Joyce unwraps the chocolate bar she’s holding and offers a piece to Giles. He accepts it.

Joyce wants to know where Buffy was. She thinks that she was at the Bronze. Buffy doesn’t contradict her. While they talk Joyce eats more of her chocolate bar. Joyce and Giles both think that Buffy is acting immaturely.

“Okay, fine. I’m acting like a child,” says Buffy. “Maybe that’s because you’re both treating me like a child! You’re both scheduling me twenty-four hours a day. Between the two of you, that’s forty-eight hours! I just want to be able to make a few decisions on my own.”

“The last time you made a decision on your own, you split!” Joyce takes another bite from her chocolate bar.

“Yeah, and I took care of myself,” says Buffy. “I don’t need this much active parenting.”

“You can’t really be trying to use this summer as a reason you should be trusted.” Joyce takes another bite.

“You can’t babysit me all the time,” says Buffy. “I need you to back off a little.”

Giles feels it’s time to intervene. “Uh, alright, come on. Let’s, let’s not, uh, freak out.”

Buffy is surprised by Giles’ choice of words. “‘Freak out?’”

“Mm-hm,” says Giles. “Uh, I think you should go to bed. Um, we’re all tired.”

Buffy leaves for her room. “Oh, she just drives me crazy!” Joyce crumples the empty candy wrapper in her hand and drops it on the floor. “I just want to protect her.” She and Giles go and sit on the sofa in the living room.

“Don’t all parents want that?” Giles pulls a chocolate bar out of his pocket.

“Yeah, but at least most parents have some idea what to protect their children from,” says Joyce.

Giles thinks that they should both be especially careful about Buffy for the next while. He breaks off a piece of his candy bar, and pops it into his mouth. He hands the rest of the bar to Joyce, and takes a fresh one out of the box on the coffee table. While they talk Giles’ accent seems to be slipping a bit into something a little less cultured.

People are packing up more boxes of chocolate bars in a factory. One of the workers surreptitiously looks around and takes one out to eat for himself.

Ethan Rayne stops him. “Trust me, you don’t want to eat that.”

Act II

Next day’s study hall is taking place in one of the science classrooms. Buffy is sitting at a lab bench with Cordelia, and Willow and Xander are seated at the bench behind them. Giles is supposed to be there supervising, but he’s a no show for some reason.

Xander is eating one of the chocolate bars. Willow is surprised that he has any left. All hers sold at the first few houses she visited. It was like trick-or-treating in reverse. While they talk Willow and Xander are playing footsie under their desk.

Cordelia suddenly turns around to face them. “I can’t believe this!”

Xander and Willow lurch apart, and look guilty.

Cordy doesn’t notice anything. “Where is Giles already? I’m bored, and he’s not here to give me credit for it.”

Principal Snyder walks down the corridor with Miss Barton, a spinsterish teacher. “The big pinhead librarian didn’t show up, and I don’t want to do it.” Snyder points at her with a chocolate bar. “You do it.”

“All right, fine. I’ll do it.” Miss Barton heads into the study hall.

“Everybody expects me to do everything around here because I’m the principal,” complains Snyder as he continues down the hall. “It’s not fair.”

Miss Barton goes to the head of the class and claps for attention. “Hey! We’re all stuck here, okay? So now let’s just sit quietly and, and pretend we’re reading something until we’re really sure that old Commandant Snyder’s gone. Then we’re all out of here!”

“Does anyone else want to marry Miss Barton?” asks Xander.

“Get in line,” says Cordy.

Buffy goes to Giles’ apartment to see what happened to him, and is surprised to find her mother there. They tell her that they’re having a meeting about how to better coordinate her schedule. This does not sound like good news to Buffy.

Joyce tells Buffy that they have more work to do, and holds out the keys to her car to Buffy. She tells Buffy to take them. Giles can drive her home when they’re done.

“What?” asks Buffy. “Excuse me, I meant what?”

“Keys. Take them,” says Joyce.

“You don’t have to tell me twice. Well, actually, you did, but—” Buffy snatches the keys away from her mother before she can regain her sanity, and runs out the door. “Bye!”

“Bye, honey!” says Joyce. “Drive careful.”

Joyce gets out the bottle of wine she had hidden when Buffy came in, and Giles lights up a cigarette.

“Do you think she noticed anything?” asks Joyce.

“No way!” says Giles.

Buffy picks up Willow in her mother’s Jeep, and they head off for the Bronze together. Willow isn’t sure that this a good idea the night before the SAT tests. She thinks Buffy should be studying. Buffy thinks she can study at the Bronze.

Joyce’s earlier concerns about her daughter driving seem to be somewhat justified. Willow is a very nervous passenger as Buffy careens around corners, while looking for a good music station on the radio.

“Eyes on the road! Eyes on the road!” says Willow.

Giles lies on the floor in his apartment. He lights a couple of cigarettes in his mouth, and hands one to Joyce. She’s sitting nearby checking out his record collection. Cream’s Tales of Brave Ulysses is playing on the stereo.

“You got good albums,” says Joyce. “Do you like Seals and Croft?” Giles just gives her a look. “Yeah, me neither.”

Giles thinks that he should get a band together. Joyce wonders why they call him Ripper, but Giles won’t tell her.

Giles is bored. Joyce suggests that they can watch TV. She knows how to get pay-per-view. Giles thinks they should go out, and tear things up a bit.

“We could go to the Bronze” says Joyce.

“Not bloody likely,” says Giles. “That place is dead!”

Buffy and Willow arrive at the Bronze. It is not dead tonight. Oz and the rest of the Dingos are playing on stage and the Bronze is full of rowdy adults. Buffy and Willow look around in confused amazement.

“Let’s do the time warp again,” says Buffy.

“Maybe there’s a reunion in town or, or a Billy Joel tour or something,” says Willow.

Miss Barton is there, and she seems to be a little drunk, or maybe stoned. She comes the amazing realization that Willow is named for a tree. “Are there any nachos in here little tree?”

Buffy tells Miss Barton that she should go get some fresh air, but she just laughs off the suggestion and wanders off.

Principal Snyder comes up between Buffy and Willow. “Hey, gang!” He puts an arm on each of their shoulders. “This place is Fun City, huh?”

“Principal Snyder?” asks Buffy.

“Call me Snyder. Just a last name, like…Barbarino. Ooh! I’m so stoked!” Snyder lets go of the girls. “Hey, did you see Miss Barton? I think she’s wasted. I’m going to have to put that in her next performance review ’cause, ’cause I’m the principal!” He dances away from Buffy and Willow, and back into the crowd.

Willow is starting to get worried. She’s afraid that someone might have a heart attack or something.

“Well maybe there’s a doctor here,” says Buffy as a shirtless man jumps up on stage and pushes Devon away from the microphone.

“I think that is my doctor,” says Willow. The man jumps off the stage into the arms of a bunch of other people, who fail to catch him. “He’s usually less topless.”

Snyder passes by them again, chasing after a couple of “foxy ladies.”

Buffy and Willow move under the stairs to get out of the traffic.

“What’s happening?” asks Willow.

“I don’t know, but it’s happening to a whole lot of grownups,” says Buffy.

“They’re acting like a bunch—”

“They’re acting like a bunch of us,” says Buffy.

Willow looks around the Bronze. “I don’t act like this.”

Trick and Ethan inspect their production line. They are shipping out boxes of candy as quickly as they can pack them.

“That’s the reason I love this country,” says Mr. Trick “You make a good product, and the people will come to you. Of course, a lot of them are going to die, but that’s the other reason I love this country.”

Trick looks at one of the men sealing the boxes. “Hey! Don’t sample the product.”

“But I didn’t,” says the man. Trick breaks his neck anyway.

Ethan does not look happy. He looks like he’s beginning to wonder just what sort of trouble he has gotten himself into. “Okay. How did you know he was—?”

“I don’t. Now I know no one else will.” Mr. Trick checks his watch. “We’re getting close. Keep it flowing. It’s almost feeding time.”

The Dingos have been evicted from the Bronze stage by a bunch of drunks—including Willow’s doctor—singing Louie Louie. Buffy thinks this is scarier than any vampire she has ever seen. Oz has joined Buffy and Willow watching the behaviour of the people around them. Principal Snyder wanders by again. He likes Oz’s hair.

Buffy decides that whatever is happening has Hellmouth fingerprints all over it. They have to figure out what is going on. She starts to lead them out of the Bronze. Snyder follows along after them.

Buffy, Willow and Oz head for Joyce’s Jeep, which is parked just outside. Snyder is still following them. “Hey! You guys aren’t trying to ditch me, are ya?”

“We should find Giles,” says Oz as they get into the car. “He’ll know what’s going on, right?”

“Sure,” says Buffy. “Except for all we know, he’s sweet sixteen again.”

Snyder opens the back door of the car and gets in beside Oz. Oz starts to tell him to go, but Buffy doesn’t have time for that. They will just have to take Snyder with them. Buffy burns rubber pulling away from the Bronze.

“Whoa Summers!” says Snyder. “You drive like a spaz!”

Around Sunnydale lots of adults are acting like kids. Middle aged men are drag racing their Volvos and SUVs in the streets. A mailman sits in the park reading the mail he was supposed to deliver while others play frisbee around him.

Willow is even more nervous about Buffy’s driving now that Buffy is in a hurry. “It’ll be okay when we get to Giles’.”

Oz isn’t worried. “I mean, even if he’s sixteen, he’s still Giles, right? He’s probably a pretty together guy.”

Now Willow starts to look even more worried. “Yeah, well…”

“What?” asks Oz.

“Giles at sixteen?” asks Buffy. “Less Together Guy, more Bad-Magic-Hates-The-World-Ticking-Time-Bomb Guy.”

“Well, then I guess your mom’s in a lot of trouble,” says Oz. Buffy starts to drive even faster.

Giles and Joyce wander past the Espresso Pump. He has his arm around her shoulder. Giles is smoking a cigarette, and she’s chewing on some gum. She thinks it must be really cool for him, being from England and all.

“Not particularly,” says Giles, “You cold?”

“Nyah,” says Joyce. “I feel special, like I’m just waking up, kinda. Like, getting married and having a kid and everything was just a dream, and now things are back like they’re supposed to be.” She spots a coat in the window of a shop they’re walking past. “That’s cool! Very Juice Newton.”

“You fancy it?” asks Giles.

“Yeah, but the store’s closed,” says Joyce.

That’s not a problem for Ripper. He picks up a nearby trash can and tosses it through the window, setting off the alarm. He climbs in and collects the coat for her, and a hat for himself. Joyce watches and giggles.

Giles helps Joyce put on the coat. He doesn’t see the policeman come up behind them, with his gun drawn.

“Hold it!” says the cop

Snyder thinks that being in the car is great. He wants to go do doughnuts in the football field. Buffy ignores him, and continues to speed toward Giles’ apartment.

Buffy isn’t the only one speeding on the roads tonight. Another driver is too busy unwrapping his chocolate bar to notice the red light in front of him. Buffy doesn’t see him coming until it is too late to avoid a collision. He plows into the back side of the jeep.

Act III

Giles isn’t worried about the cop. “Oh…copper’s got a gun!” he taunts as he bounces around. “You’ll never use it, though, mate.”

“Will so,” says the cop. He has a chocolate bar sticking out of his jacket pocket.

“Ripper, be careful!” says Joyce. She distracts the cop’s attention away from Giles.

Giles knocks the gun aside, and grabs the cop’s arm. He gives the cop a head butt, and a knee to the groin, followed by a boot to the head as he takes the gun away and sticks it in his belt. The cop collapses to the ground unconscious. “Told him he’d never use it.”

Joyce is impressed. “You are so cool.” She leans against the front of the police car. “You’re like Burt Reynolds.”

Giles slowly walks over to Joyce, and grabs onto her. She removes the gum from her mouth and kisses him. They lean back together onto the hood of the police car.

The driver of the car that ran into them gets out and runs away while Buffy and her friends get out of Joyce’s Jeep. Everyone seems to be okay, except for a little scrape on Buffy’s forehead. Buffy assesses the damage to the car. The rear fender is smashed in.

“Oh, Buffy,” Snyder rubs his shoulder. “Your mom’s going to kill you.” He pulls another chocolate bar from his pocket, and starts to unwrap it. A man passing by grabs the chocolate bar away from him, and runs off with it. Snyder chases him.

Buffy looks around and notices all the adults wandering the streets, acting like children. She also notices something else. “Where are all the vampires? Soup’s on, but no one’s grabbing a spoon.”

“Something’s happening,” says Oz, “Someplace that’s else.”

Snyder returns, without his chocolate bar. “That guy took my candy!”

Buffy and the others finally get it. It’s something in the chocolate that’s making everyone behave so weirdly. It must be cursed or something.

Buffy pushes Snyder up against the side of the car. “Who’s behind it?”

“I don’t know. It came through the school board.” Snyder shakes his head. “If you knew that crowd—”

Buffy doesn’t want to listen to complaints about the school board. “Where did it come from? Do you know where to get it?”

“Yeah,” says Snyder.

Buffy tells Willow and Oz to collect Xander and Cordy, go to the library, and start researching. “Ratboy and I are going to the source.”

Buffy squeals to a stop outside the factory where the candy is being packaged. A crowd has gathered and men are tossing candy to them off the loading dock. Buffy and Snyder get out of the car, and head toward the mob.

Buffy walks past a couple who are necking in the parking lot and shakes her head in disgust. She stops dead in her tracks, and turns around. “Mom? Giles?”

“Go away!” says Giles, “We’re busy.” He goes back to kissing Joyce.

Buffy grabs her mother and pulls her away from Giles, and steps between them.

Giles grabs Buffy’s arm and turns her around. “Back off!”

“Giles, think about this,” says Buffy. “You want to fight me, or you want to let me talk to my mother?”

Giles thinks about that for a second. He isn’t so far gone that he doesn’t realize that he would have no chance against Buffy, and he backs off a bit. He tries to recover his cool by pulling a cigarette from behind his ear, and putting it into his mouth.

Buffy tries to tell her mother to go home, but Joyce doesn’t want to go. She wants more candy. Buffy tells her she doesn’t need any more.

“I’m fine,” says Joyce. “I can have more if I want.”

“You are not fine,” says Buffy. “You need to go home.”

“Screw you!” says Joyce. “I want candy! You want to slay stuff, and I’m not allowed to do anything about it. Well, this is what I want to do, so get off my back!”

Buffy is desperate to pull her mother back to reality. She grabs her mother, and points her toward her car. “Mom, look at your car! Look at that dent the size of New Brunswick. I did that!”

Joyce looks at the car, horrified. “Oh, my god. What was I thinking when I bought the Geek Machine?”

Giles starts to laugh. Buffy gives up on her mother, and tries to reason with him. He isn’t being any more rational. He tries to invoke his authority as Buffy’s Watcher, and orders her to leave them alone. That works about as well as you would expect.

Buffy pulls the cigarette out of Giles’ mouth, throws it to the ground and orders him to take her mother home. She leaves them and continues toward the loading dock. Giles grabs Joyce by the hand and they follow her.

Buffy makes her way through the mob at the base of the loading dock. The guys who had been handing out candy try to stop her. She makes quick work of them. Since her mother isn’t going to leave, Buffy grabs her, and pulls her along with her. Giles and Snyder follow after them.

Buffy sees the back of a man who is talking on the phone inside the factory. “Yeah, I’ve been out there,” he says as Buffy quietly walks up behind him. “Town’s wide open. You guys can go anytime.”

Buffy recognises the voice. “Ethan Rayne.”

Ethan turns around, and looks at Buffy for a moment. “Might want to hurry.” He slowly hangs up the phone.

“Ethan,” says Giles.

“Ripper.” Ethan runs. Buffy and Giles chase him.

Willow and Oz have collected Xander and Cordy, and they’re all in the library. At first Cordy thought the way her parents were behaving was cool, until her mother started trying on Cordy’s clothes, and her father locked himself in the bathroom with a bunch of back issues of Esquire.

Their research hasn’t produced any results yet. Xander doesn’t understand it. If the candy is supposed to make people immature and all, and he’s eaten a ton of it, why hasn’t it affected him? The others look at him as if he has just asked a very silly question.

Xander hands Willow a book, and their hands touch. They both experience a moment of guilt. Xander heads back up to join Oz in the stacks to look for more books.

“You want to swap?” asks Cordy.

“What?” asks Willow, “Swap?”

“You want to swap?” Cordy passes the book she was reading to Willow. “This book is really thick, and I’m not sure it’s in English.”

Buffy and Giles chase Ethan through a maze of stacked boxes of candy, but he eludes them.

Buffy slows to a walk, with Giles panting heavily behind her. “That’s what smoking will do to you,” says Buffy. “Now be quiet.”

“Where’d the bastard go?” asks Giles.

Buffy shushes him. She walks slowly through the stacks of boxes, listening carefully.

Buffy stops, whirls around, and kicks a hole in a nearby crate. She reaches in and pulls out Ethan. “Look! A box full of farm fresh chicken!”

Joyce and Snyder sit side by side on the conveyor eating chocolate bars. Snyder slides himself up beside her. “So, are you two kinda, like, um…going steady?”

Joyce rolls her eyes, hops off the conveyor, and walks away from him.

Buffy asks Ethan what’s going on. “We’re pretty much in a talk-or-bleed situation. Your call.”

Giles wants to skip the pleasantries. He wants Buffy to just hit him.

“I’d just like to point out that this wasn’t my idea,” says Ethan. “I’m subcontracting. It’s Trick you want. I’m just helping him collect a tribute…for a demon.”

“He’s lying,” says Giles. “Hit him!”

“I don’t think he is,” says Buffy, “and shut up.”

“You’re my Slayer,” says Giles. “Go knock his teeth down his thro—”

“Giles!” Buffy turns back to Ethan. “What demon?”

“I don’t remember,” says Ethan.

Buffy punches Ethan in the nose, and Giles jumps in the air in delight. “Yes!”

“Lurconis,” says Ethan. “Demon named Lurconis. They wanted a way to get the tribute away from people.”

“So you’re just Diversion Guy?” asks Buffy.

“More than a diversion,” says Ethan. “Well, they said the tribute was big, so big that people would never let them take it. That people had to be out of it. And later on, when the candy wore off, they’d blame themselves.”

“Hence, the land of the irresponsible,” says Buffy. “So, where’s Trick?”

“I don’t know exactly,” says Ethan.

Giles wants Buffy to hit Ethan again, and she raises her fist to do so.

“No! I really don’t know,” says Ethan. “Delivering the tribute.”

“Which brings us to the bonus question,” says Buffy, “and believe me when I say a wrong answer will cost you all your points. What’s the tribute?”

Four vampires walk into the maternity ward of the Sunnydale hospital. The nurse on duty ignores them while she eats her chocolate bar, and watches TV. Each of the vampires picks up a baby, and they walk out the way they came in.

Act IV

Buffy and Giles return Ethan to the front of the factory. Buffy gets on the phone to Willow to tell her the information she got from Ethan.

Snyder sits watching Ethan. “She whupped you good, huh?” He throws a couple of punches at the air. “I can do that. I took Tae Kwon Do at the Y.” Snyder stands up, and moves across the floor toward Joyce, punching and kicking at the air. Joyce rolls her eyes again, and blows a bubble with her bubble gum. Buffy has been ignoring them while she talks with Willow.

Ethan notices that no one is paying any attention to him right now. He quietly picks up a crowbar, and moves up behind Buffy.

Giles stops him Ethan putting the gun he took from the cop to Ethan’s head. Buffy swings around and knocks Ethan out with the phone. Buffy hands the phone to her mother, and confiscates the gun from Giles. She sticks the gun in her belt behind her back.

Joyce tells Buffy that Willow wants to talk to her.

“Oz just found it.” Willow tells Buffy over the phone. She starts to read from the book Oz has brought her. “The tribute to Lurconis is made every thirty years. It’s a ritual feeding, and this one’s late, so it’s probably, you know, a big meal.” Oz points to something else in the book. “Oh.” Willow reads the new section. “And…oh. Lurconis eats babies.”

Buffy grabs her mother and starts to go, but Joyce asks what they should do about Ethan. Buffy doesn’t want to just leave him free so she asks them to find something to tie him up with.

Joyce looks embarrassed, and reaches around behind her back. She produces a set of handcuffs which had been tucked into her belt.

Buffy looks at the cuffs Joyce is holding out to her for a couple of seconds. “Never tell me.” She takes them to cuff Ethan.

Buffy, Giles, Joyce and Snyder arrive at the hospital and discover that the babies are missing. The nurse has no idea what happened to them.

“Well, then let’s do something,” says Giles. “Let’s find the demon and, and kick the crap out of it.”

“Is that what happens now?” asks Snyder.

“Yeah,” says Buffy. “If we knew where they were.”

Giles is starting to sober up a bit. He remembers something he read. “Lurconis dwells beneath the city, filth to filth.”

“What?” asks Buffy.

“Oh, I know this!” says Giles. “I knew this…Lurconis means ‘glutton,’ and we’ll find it, um…in the sewers!”

Snyder isn’t interested in chasing any demons through the sewers. He tells them they can go, and he’ll stay there, in case the babies find their way back.

“You filthy little ponce,” says Giles. “Are you afraid of a little demon?”

“If you want to splash around in the poo!” Snyder gives Giles a shove. “You’re the filthy one!”

Buffy breaks it up before Giles can do any damage to Snyder. “Listen to me. I need help, okay? Giles, I need grownups. These children are going to die if we don’t act now, okay, and think clearly. There is no room for mistakes. Besides which…you guys are just wigging me out.”

Snyder and Giles back down. Giles goes over to Joyce and they start to hug while Buffy shifts her attention back to Snyder. She tells him to go home.

“Giles, we’re going to the sewers.” Buffy turns back toward him and her mother. She sees they have started kissing again. “And don’t do that!”

Trick and his vampires prepare the babies for the ritual feeding to Lurconis at a major sewer junction. One of the vampires anoints the babies with water. The area is illuminated by light from several torches.

“Come on big guy, They’re not getting any fresher.” Trick complains, while waiting for Lurconis to appear.

Mayor Wilkins is on his cell phone to his secretary. He wants her to schedule a meeting with the public works committee to talk about sewer maintenance. He doesn’t like some of the things he sees, such as exposed gas pipes, and there are ventilation problems.

Buffy drops in through a nearby manhole just after the Mayor hangs up. “Hi!”

Mayor Wilkins immediately fades back into the shadows, and leaves through a side tunnel before Buffy can see him. The vampires attack Buffy.

Giles and Joyce follow Buffy down through the manhole. They push the table with the babies on it away from where Buffy and the vampires are fighting before Giles wades into the fight himself. Joyce stays with the babies. Mr. Trick just hangs back and watches.

Buffy quickly stakes two of the vampires, and kicks a third into a pool of water. There’s a low rumbling sound which quickly grows in volume.

“What the hell’s that?” asks Giles.

A giant demon snake appears out of a side tunnel. It looks around, and seeing no babies it eats the closest thing to it—the vampire—and ducks back into the tunnel.

“Lurconis, I’m thinking,” says Buffy.

Trick is the only vampire left. “Ordinarily, I like other people to do my fighting for me, but I just got to see what you got,” he tells Buffy.

Buffy moves toward Trick. “Just tell me when it hurts.”

Giles pushes Buffy aside and attacks Mr. Trick himself. He punches Trick once and then Trick tosses him into the pool of water. They start to hear the rumble of Lurconis’ return.

Giles scrambles out of the water to escape from Lurconis while Buffy jumps up and breaks free one of the gas pipes the Mayor had been concerned about. She lights the jet of gas coming from the broken end of the pipe from one of the torches, and uses it as a flame thrower to torch Lurconis when his head pops out of the tunnel.

Trick has used the distraction to make his escape. “You and me, girl,” he calls out to Buffy through the manhole before he goes. “There’s hot times ahead.”

“They never just leave,” complains Buffy. “Always gotta say something.”

“Can we go home now?” asks Joyce.

“Yeah, we can go home,” says Buffy. “I’ve got the SATs tomorrow.”

“Oh, blow them off. I’ll write you a note,” says her mother.

Buffy, Giles and Joyce gather up the babies to return them to the hospital.

Epilogue

Mr. Trick sits in a chair in Mayor Wilkins’ office. He tells Wilkins that he has paid off Ethan and sent him on his way. He held up his end of the deal. The Mayor isn’t exactly pleased with the way things turned out.

Trick points out that things worked out pretty well. “You just got yourself one less demon you have to pay tribute to. The way I see it, I did you a favour.”

“I guess you did.” Mayor Wilkins walks up behind Mr. Trick and puts his hands on Trick’s shoulders. He bends over and whispers into Trick’s ear. “In the future I’d be very careful how many favours you do for me.”

Things seem to be back to normal at school on Monday. Willow, Xander, Oz and Cordy are at their lockers when Principal Snyder approaches them.

“Hey, Snyder,” says Xander. “Heard you had some fun Friday night. Have you come down yet?”

“That’s ‘Principal Snyder.’” says Snyder coldly.

“And that’s a big ‘yep.’” says Xander.

Snyder has something he wants the four of them to do. Someone has painted “KISS ROCKS” across several of the lockers. He’s looking for some ‘volunteers’ to clean them up.

“Kiss rocks?” asks Willow. “Why would anyone want to kiss— Oh, wait. I get it.”

Buffy talks about her latest experience with Giles as they walk out of the school. “It was just too much to deal with. It was like nothing made sense anymore. The things that I thought I understood were gone. I just felt so alone.”

“Was that the math or the verbal?” asks Giles.

“Mostly the math,” says Buffy.

They meet Joyce, who has come to pick up Buffy. She and Giles seem very embarrassed to be in each other’s company. Giles tries to divert attention away from them by noting the damage done to Joyce’s car. Joyce isn’t too upset by it, since Buffy was fighting evil when it happened.

“Hey, the way things were going, be glad that’s the worst that happened,” says Buffy, “At least I got to the two of you before you actually did something.” She heads for the car.

Giles and Joyce have trouble looking at each other. “Right,” says Joyce.

“Indeed,” says Giles.

“Yes,” says Joyce. They both turn and walk away from one another.

Death Toll