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Homecoming

Prologue

The Sunnydale High Homecoming dance is quickly approaching and the gang are in the Bronze discussing their transportation options for the night. Cordy proposes that they rent a limo. Xander isn’t sure that he can afford that. The bus is more in his price range. Oz suggests that if price is an issue they can all go in his van. This is not an option for Cordy. The Homecoming Queen does not arrive at the dance in a van. Xander points out that she hasn’t been elected yet, but quickly assures her that she will be, when he notices the look she’s giving him. Willow figures that since this is their last Highschool Homecoming they should do it in style. If they all split the cost they can afford it. She asks Buffy if she’s in. Buffy isn’t sure she’s going.

“Why wouldn’t you go?” asks Willow. “You already have your tickets. I mean, unless you don’t have a da…” Willow notices Scott Hope approaching. “…ay o-or two to think about it. We should all think about it.”

“What’s going on here?” asks Cordelia. “Did Scott not ask her to the Homecoming Dance yet?”

“Thanks, Cordelia,” says Buffy. “Humiliation’s really good for my colour.”

Scott looks uncomfortable. “Oh, um… well, no. I just… I assumed that you would think it was corny or something,” he tells Buffy, “but I-I’m in… I mean, you know, if you are, if you want to.”

“Uh, sure…” says Buffy. “I do. You know, i-if you want to.”

“Well, I do if you want to,” says Scott.

Oz smiles. “The judges will accept that as a ‘yes.’”

Scott asks Buffy if he can get her another drink, but she tells him she’s a little tired. She’s going to call it a night. She gives him a goodnight kiss, and leaves the Bronze.

Angel paces around his living room. He senses something outside the garden doors, goes over to them and jerks open the curtains. Buffy is standing there. They are both startled, and Angel steps back a bit. Buffy is holding a paper bag in her hands. She hands it to him.

Angel turns away from Buffy, and goes back into his house. He opens the bag and pulls out the plastic cup of blood inside it. He lifts it toward his mouth and sniffs it.

“How are you feeling?” asks Buffy.

Angel quickly lowers the cup from his mouth, but he keeps his back to her. “It hurts…less.”

Buffy tells Angel that’s good. She’s really nervous about being there with him. She tells him that she hasn’t told Giles or any of the others that he’s back.

Angel seems to have trouble remembering who Buffy means. “Giles…” he says quietly.

Buffy tells Angel that she isn’t going tell the others that he’s back. They won’t understand that he’s better. “And I’m going to keep helping you get better. It’s just that everything’s different now. I’m a senior. I’m really working harder in school. I’m even thinking about college. And I’m involved with someone.”

Buffy is startled by how abruptly Angel spins around to face her. She takes a step back from him. Angel reaches out toward her, and straightens the lapel of her jacket. Angel turns away again.

“His name is Scott,” says Buffy. “He’s a nice, solid guy. He makes me happy, and that’s what I need: someone I can count on.”

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.” Scott tells Buffy the next day at school.

Buffy is taken completely by surprise. “You don’t? When did this happen? Where was I?”

“Buffy, it’s just…before we were going out, you, you seemed so…full of life, like a force of nature. Now you just seem distracted all the time, and—”

“Yeah, I know,” says Buffy. “It’s— I’m getting better. Honest. In fact, from here on, you are going to see a drastic distraction reduction.”

Scott doesn’t say anything.

“Drastic distraction reduction,” says Buffy again. “Try saying that ten times fast.”

“I’m really sorry,” says Scott. He turns and walks away from her.

Two men—identical twins—watch Buffy through electronic binoculars from a van parked across the street from the school. They link the video from the binoculars through a modem and cell phone to a third man who sits in a wheelchair in an elegantly furnished house.

The man in the wheelchair brings up Buffy’s image on his computer screen. “Is that her?”

Mr. Trick steps up behind him. “In the nubile flesh, my friend! That’s the target.”

Act I

Deputy Mayor Allan Finch nervously enters the office of Mayor Richard Wilkins III. He hands the Mayor a folder containing a dossier on two known terrorists, Frederick and Hans Gruenshtahler, who have been seen in town. They are the men who were watching Buffy.

At first the Mayor just sniffs at the papers which Allen has handed to him, and then he asks Allan to show him his hands. Allan is puzzled, and frightened at first, but the Mayor insists, and Allan slowly puts out his hands, and places them palm down on the Mayor’s desk.

Mayor Wilkins examines Allen’s hands carefully. “I think they could be cleaner.”

“Of course, sir,” says Allan quickly. “I mean, I, I washed them, but—”

“After every meal and under your fingernails,” says the Mayor. “Dirt gets trapped there, and germs, and mayonnaise. My dear mother said, ‘cleanliness is next to godliness,’ and I believed her. She never caught a cold.” He laughs, and turns his attention back to the folder Allan had brought in. “I’d like these two to be put under surveillance, and I’d like to know if any other colourful characters have come to town.”

“I’ll take care of it,” says Allan.

“You have all my faith,” says the Mayor.

Allan turns and leaves the office, relieved to be out of the presence of his boss.

The yearbook photos are being taken at the school. After getting their pictures taken Willow makes a date with Xander for him to come help her pick out her dress for the dance. She’s looking for a dress that will make Oz go “Oh.” Xander has already arranged his tux for the evening. He hopes it will fit.

Cordelia has been checking out the competition for Homecoming Queen while they’ve been getting their photos taken. “Holly Charleston,” she says about the first of them. “Nice girl, brain dead, doesn’t have a prayer.” She turns her attention to the second girl. “Michelle Blake: open to all mankind, especially those with a letterman’s jacket and a car. She could give me a run.”

Willow looks around and notices that Buffy isn’t there. If she doesn’t show up soon, she isn’t going to get her picture taken. She asks where she is.

“Buffy and Faith are in the library getting all sweaty,” says Xander.

“They’re training,” says Cordy.

“I stand by my phrase,” says Xander.

“I don’t think she was here the day they announced them,” says Oz. “Did anybody tell her?”

“Oh, I’ll tell her now,” says Cordelia. “I have to go to the nurse’s office for an ice pack anyway.”

“Did you hurt yourself?” asks Xander.

“No, silly,” says Cordy. “It shrinks the pores!”

Buffy is really getting into punching a pair of pads that Faith is wearing on her hands in the library. Faith calls a halt, and shakes her hand in pain. “Oh, man! Guys should break up with you more often.”

“Gee, thank you,” says Buffy.

“No, I mean it,” says Faith. “You really got some quality rage going. Really gives you an edge.”

Buffy is still less than thrilled. “Edge Girl. Just what I always wanted to be.”

Faith thinks that Buffy should still go the dance. She has the tickets already. They can go together. “We’ll find a couple studs, we’ll use ’em and discard ’em. That’s always fun.”

“Okay, I’m in,” says Buffy. “Not the stud-using part, though.” She smiles. “Or…probably not.”

Cordelia is about to enter the library when she sees a couple of guys that she needs to campaign for their Homecoming Queen votes. She forgets about the message she’s supposed to give Buffy.

Buffy approaches one of her favourite teachers from last year, Miss Moran, about getting the letter of recommendation that she needs for re-admittance to the school.

Miss Moran doesn’t remember Buffy.

Buffy meets with her friends at lunch the next day, and tells them about her encounter with Miss Moran. She is starting to feel like she’s invisible at Sunnydale High. “At Hemery, I was Prom Princess, I was Fiesta Queen, I was on the cheerleading squad. And the yearbook was, like, a story of me. Now it’s senior year, and I’m going to be one crappy picture on one-eighth of one crappy page.”

“Uh, no, actually, you’re not,” says Xander. “You, uh, missed the picture-taking.”

“When?” asks Buffy. “Why?”

“We did ’em yesterday,” says Oz.

“Didn’t Cordelia tell you?” asks Willow.

Buffy casts a displeased look across the cafeteria to where Cordelia is campaigning with some other students. She leaves her friends to go have a word with her. “How come you didn’t tell me they were doing the yearbook pictures?”

“Didn’t I?” asks Cordy. “Oh, I guess I forgot. What’s the big?”

The big is that Buffy thinks that Cordelia should have spent thirty seconds thinking of someone other than herself. Cordelia just doesn’t get what Buffy is so upset about, and she’s under a lot of pressure. Buffy doesn’t think Cordy’s life looks that tough, just handing out lame flyers.

“No. It involves being part of this school and having actual friends.” says Cordelia. “Now, if it was about monsters, blood, and innards, then you’d be a shoo-in. I’d like to see you try to win the crown.”

“You would?” asks Buffy. “Then you will.”

“What does that mean?”

“I’m going to show you how it’s done,” says Buffy. “I’m going to run for Homecoming Queen, and I’m going to win.”

“This is starting to be sad,” says Cordy.

“Sorry, Cordy, but you have no idea who you’re messing with.”

“What?” asks Cordelia. “The Slayer?”

“I’m not talking about the Slayer. I’m talking about Buffy. You’ve awakened the Prom Queen within. And that crown is going to be mine.”

“Competition.” Mr. Trick sucks on a lollypop. “Competition is a beautiful thing. It makes us strive. It makes us accomplish. Occasionally, it makes us kill. We all have the desire to win. Whether we’re human, vampire, and whatever the hell you are, my brother.” He is addressing a gathering in his new home. The Gruenshtahler brothers and their controller, another man dressed in camouflage fatigues, Lyle Gorch and his new bride Candy, and Kulak: a yellow skinned spiny headed demon of the Miquot Clan.

Trick turns his attention to Lyle Gorch. Lyle still hasn’t paid his entrance fee.

Lyle dumps a bag of blood stained money on the table. “Well, me and Candy, we blowin’ our whole honeymoon stash on this little game here.”

Trick eyes the pile of money with distaste. “They’re dirty.”

“They’re nonconsecutive,” says Lyle.

That’s good enough for Mr. Trick. “The games will begin in a few days time,” he tells the assembled group. “The first target—Buffy—you’ve all seen. The second—Faith—is a little more elusive. But they will both be together and ready for the killing, and that is a money-back guarantee. Ladies, gentlemen, spiny headed looking creatures, welcome to SlayerFest 98!”

Act II

Willow and Xander try on their outfits for the dance in Willow’s room. Xander has borrowed a tux from his cousin Rigby. Willow models a couple of outfits for Xander that he thinks are “nice.” She has Lisa Loeb playing on her stereo.

Willow notices that Xander is having trouble with his bow tie, so she goes up to him to help tie it. She starts to smile.

“What?” asks Xander.

“I was just— Remember the eighth-grade cotillion?” she asks. “You had that clip-on?”

“Hey, I was pretty stylin’ with a clip-on.”

“And now here we are, and it’s…Homecoming,” says Willow.

“Yeah, we should face it, Will,” says Xander. “You and I are going to be in neighbouring rest homes while I come over so you can adjust my, um…” He stops, and Willow looks at him with raised eyebrows. “My, uh…Well, I can’t think of anything that’s not really gross.”

Willow finishes with Xander’s bow tie, and heads back behind her screen to try on another outfit while Xander finishes putting on his tuxedo.

“So, uh… you and Oz?” asks Xander. “How do I put this? Are we on first, second, or, uh… ye gods?”

“That’s none of your business, Alexander Harris.”

Xander smiles. “Ooo, rounding second.”

“You don’t know that!” says Willow. “What about you and Cordelia?”

Xander finishes putting on his jacket. “Oh, a gentleman never talks about his conquests.”

“Oh, yeah?” Willow comes out from behind the screen. “Well, since when did you become a…” She is struck speechless for a moment by the sight of Xander in his tux. “…gentleman?”

Xander is having a very similar reaction to the elegant black evening gown Willow is wearing.

Willow is the first to break the silence. “I know. ‘Nice.’”

“I was going to go with ‘gorgeous.’” Xander steps toward Willow.

Willow is pleased by Xander’s reaction. “Really? You too. In a guy way.”

“Oz is very lucky,” says Xander.

“So is Cordelia, in a girl way.” Willow starts to get worried. “I don’t know if I can dance in this. I don’t know if I can dance!”

“Come on. Piece of cake.” Xander offers Willow his arms. “Here.”

Xander and Willow start to slowly dance together.

“Yeah. This shouldn’t be a problem,” says Willow.

“No,” says Xander. “No problem.”

Xander bends his face down to Willow’s upturned face, and kisses her. She responds eagerly. The kiss goes on for a long time, before they suddenly jump away from one another.

“That didn’t just happen!” says Xander

“No!” says Willow. “I mean, it did, but it didn’t!”

“Because I respect you,” says Xander. “And Oz. And I would never!”

“I would never either!” says Willow. “It must be the clothes. It’s a fluke!”

“It’s a clothes fluke!” says Xander, “That’s what it is. And there’ll be no more fluking!”

“Not ever!” says Willow.

They step up to one another, and nearly kiss again, before they suddenly back off again.

“We got to get out of these clothes!” says Xander.

“Right now!”

The implication of what they have just said hits both of them.

“Oh, I didn’t mean—” says Xander.

“I didn’t— me, either!” Willow runs back behind her screen.

Buffy outlines her campaign strategy to Xander, Willow and Oz in the library next day, and tries to enlist them in her Homecoming Queen campaign. She has a white board set up on which she has all her competition listed, with their strengths and weaknesses. (Xander is listed as one of Cordelia’s weaknesses.)

Buffy’s friends do not look happy. Buffy is too wrapped up in her strategising to notice. She’s starting late, and has a lot of lost ground to make up. “I’ve done this before. The only difference being this time, I’m not actually popular. Although, I’m not exactly unpopular. A lot of people came to my welcome home party.”

“But they were killed by zombies,” says Willow.

“Good point,” says Buffy. She wants Willow to prepare a database of who’s voting for whom, and she figures Oz can help her catch the fringe musician vote.

Cordelia comes into the library, and there is a moment of awkwardness. Buffy breaks the silence by telling Cordy that there is no reason that they should let the Homecoming campaign get in the way of their almost friendship.

Cordy agrees, and asks Willow how her database is coming. Willow tells her it’s almost done. Xander tells Cordy that he has picked up the latest batch of her flyers. It seems that all of Buffy’s friends are already committed to working on Cordy’s campaign.

“Let’s get cracking!” Cordy chases them all out of the library.

Giles watches them all go. “Seems like a lot of fuss for one little title,” he tells Buffy.

“Well, you know, it’s no fun if you don’t try your best.” Buffy takes a drink from a bottle of juice.

“As long as fun is still in the mix,” says Giles.

Buffy smiles. “Sure! It’s not like anyone takes it that seriously.” The bottle in her hand shatters under the pressure of her grip.

While Buffy, Cordy and the other girls campaign for Homecoming Queen, the Slayerfest 98 participants practice for their upcoming competition. Jungle Bob checks his gun, and his bear traps. Kulak practices throwing knifes that sprout from his arms. The Gruenshtahlers wrestle with one another while their controller checks out his maps and computers and stuff. Lyle and Candy are necking on the couch.

Buffy comes down the stairs from the balcony overlooking the quad and bumps into Scott. She drops some books and flyers in his path. He bends down to help her pick them up.

Scott looks at one of her campaign flyers. “I heard you were doing this.”

“Uh, yeah,” says Buffy. “It’s just something to pass the time. It’s silly, really.”

“I don’t think so,” says Scott. “For what it’s worth, you have my vote.”

“No, I don’t want you to feel—” Buffy stops what she was going to say. “Thank you.”

Scott leaves, and Buffy smiles and opens up her notebook. She check’s off Scott Hope’s name. She turns and bumps into another guy, and drops her books and flyers at his feet.

The Homecoming Queen competition intensifies. Holly is bribing people with cookies to get their votes. Buffy tops her with cupcakes. Cordy tops that with baskets of snacks.

Willow stands looking back and forth between Buffy and Cordelia campaign posters, looking miserable. She turns away from them and runs into Buffy. “Hi! How are you? You good? You look good. Anything new? Hey, did I mention you look good?”

Buffy tells Willow that it’s okay that she’s helping Cordelia. That isn’t going to get in the way of their friendship.

“No, I’m not a friend,” says Willow. “I’m a rabid dog who should be shot! But there’re forces at work here! Dark, incomprehensible forces!”

“And I’m sure they’re more important than all we’ve been through together,” says Buffy. “Or the number of times that I’ve saved your life.”

“What do you want?” asks Willow.

“Fifteen minutes alone on your computer with Cordelia’s database.”

“’Kay,” says Willow.

That mission accomplished, Buffy turns the subject to the transportation for the dance. She’s talked to the limo company, and it’s all arranged. The limo is going to pick up Faith and Buffy first, before collecting the others.

The Gruenshtahlers are listening in from outside the school with a directional microphone.

Jonathan eats one of Buffy’s cupcakes while she walks along beside him, with her hand on his shoulder. “You know, Jonathan, I’ve always felt a special bond between you and me.”

“Cordelia gave me six bucks,” says Jonathan. “That buys a whole lot of cupcakes.”

Buffy confronts Cordelia about her campaign strategy. “So you really are giving out money, huh?”

“Is that any more tacky than your faux ‘I’m shy but deep’ campaign posters?” asks Cordy.

“Yes,” says Buffy.

“This whole trying to be like me really isn’t funny anymore,” says Cordy.

“I was never trying to be like you,” says Buffy, “And when was it funny?”

“I don’t see why your pathetic need to recapture your glory days gives you the right to splinter my vote.”

“How can you think it’s okay to talk to people like this?” asks Buffy. “Do you have parents?”

“Yeah. Two of them,” says Cordelia. “Unlike some people.”

“Your brain isn’t even connected to your mouth, is it?”

“Why don’t you do us both a favour and stay out of my way?” Cordelia puts her hand on Buffy’s shoulder and tries to push her out of her way.

Buffy grabs Cordelia’s hand and removes it from her shoulder. “Don’t ever do that again.”

“You’re sick, you know that?” says Cordelia.

Xander grabs Cordy and tries to pull her away from Buffy. “Okay, let’s not say something we’ll regret later.”

“You crazy freak!” Cordy yells at Buffy.

“Vapid whore!” Buffy fires back.

“Like that!” says Xander.

“What did you call me?” asks Cordy as Xander drags her away.

Willow steps in front of Buffy. “This is just…”

“…the worst thing that’s ever happened. Ever!” Willow tells Xander in her room.

“I know. I know.” Xander sits beside Willow on her bed and puts his arm around her back. “It’s just…when I look at you now, it’s like I’m seeing you for the first time.”

“I’m talking about Buffy and Cordelia,” says Willow

Xander pulls his arm back. “Me, too.”

“What are we going to do?” asks Willow. “I mean, we have to do something. This is all our fault.”

Xander is puzzled. “How do you get from ‘chick fight’ to ‘our fault?’”

“Because,” says Willow, “we felt so guilty about the fluke, we overcompensated helping Cordelia, and we spun the whole group dynamic out of orbit, and we’re just a big meteor shower heading for Earth—”

“Okay, calm down,” says Xander. “Let’s just put our heads together and think of something. Okay, one of us here is pretty darn smart, and I am…” He pauses for a moment and Willow looks at him. “…just in Hell! I mean, I thought being a senior at last, and having a girlfriend at last, would be a good thing. Now, why wouldn’t that be a good thing?” He stops, seeing that Willow is looking at his mouth. “What?”

“Sometimes when you’re falling to pieces,” Willow puts her hand to his lips. “Your mouth, it just does the sweetest thing.”

Xander takes Willow’s hand in his own.

“What are we going to do?” asks Willow.

“We just have to get the two of them communicating,” says Xander.

“I’m talking about us,” says Willow.

Buffy steps off her front porch wearing her orange Homecoming dress, and walks to the waiting limo with a smile on her face. The driver holds the door open for her. She gets in the car and is surprised to find that Cordelia is in it. “What’s going on here? Where’s Faith?”

Cordelia just hands Buffy a note, which she reads out loud.

Dear Cordelia and Buffy:

We won’t be riding to the dance with you. We want you to work out your problems because our friendships are more important than who wins Homecoming Queen.

Your friends.

P.S. The limo was not cheap. Work it out.

There is a corsage for each of them there. Cordelia has taken the orchid.

The driver—one of the Gruenshtahlers—gets back in the car, inserts an earpiece so he can listen in on their conversation, and starts the engine.

Rather than work out their differences, Buffy and Cordy spend the ride arguing about who should get which corsage. The limo comes to a stop, and the girls get out.

They are not at the Bronze, where the dance is taking place. The limo has stopped in the woods. There is a TV and a VCR with a sign saying “Press Play” there. Buffy presses the play button.

Mr. Trick appears on the TV. “Hello, ladies. Welcome to SlayerFest 98. What is a SlayerFest, you ask? Well, as in most of life, there’s the hunters and the hunted. Can you guess where you two fall? From the beginning of this tape, you have exactly thirty seconds—” He glances at his watch, “No, that’s seventeen now, to run for your lives. Faith. Buffy. Have a nice death.”

“Hello! How stupid are you people?” calls out Cordelia. “She’s a Slayer. I’m a Homecoming Queen!”

No one is listening. Someone puts a bullet through the TV screen to signal the start of the competition.

Act III

Willow and Xander are having a miserable time and the Homecoming dance. Too guilty over the fluking to dance with each other, and with their respective dates unavailable. Cordy hasn’t arrived, and Oz is playing in the band. Faith shows up and asks what they’re so mopey about.

“We’re not mopey,” says Xander. “We’re grooving. On Oz’s band. He’s a great guy, Oz.”

“He wrote this song for me,” says Willow.

Faith looks around and spots Scott Hope. He’s there with a date. “Sleazebag!”

Giles shows up. “We have to find Buffy! Something terrible’s happened.”

Xander and Willow just look at Giles, without really reacting.

“Just kidding. Thought I’d give you a scare.” Giles notices that Xander is eating a finger sandwich, and goes to find some for himself.

Buffy and Cordy run through the woods. Cordy still thinks that they should explain to these people that she isn’t a Slayer, and maybe then they will let her go.

Buffy is distracted by Cordelia, and doesn’t see a bear trap lying on the ground. Cordy spots it and calls out a warning just as Buffy sticks her foot into it. Buffy’s reflexes allow her to pull her foot out again before the trap snaps shut.

Buffy turns and sees Jungle Bob taking aim at them with his rifle. She pulls Cordy down, and the shot goes over them. Buffy grabs the trap and flings it at Bob. It knocks him off balance and he steps back into another of his traps.

Buffy rushes up to Bob, and grabs the gun he dropped. “That’s got to smart,” she says, as he struggles to free himself. “Now, I can let you out of that, or I can put a bullet in your head. How many are there in this little game, and what are they packing?”

Bob doesn’t say anything. Buffy pumps a fresh round into the rifle’s chamber.

“There’s me,” says Bob, “Two Germans with AR-15s and grenade launchers. Yellow-skinned demon with long knives. Vampire couple from Texas named Gorch.”

“That everybody?” asks Buffy.

“Everybody who’s out here,” says Bob. “Germans are wired. Their boss is tracking them on computer. Now get me out of this!”

Cordy wants Bob to tell the others that she isn’t a Slayer, but suddenly two of Kulak’s knives hit the tree in front of her. Buffy and Cordelia run.

Faith cuts between Scott and his date, who are dancing up close and personal. “Scott? There you are, honey! Hey, good news. The doctor says that the itching and the swelling and the burning should clear up, but we got to keep using the ointment.” Faith turns and smiles at Scott’s date. “Hi!” She leaves Scott and his date exchanging an awkward look.

Giles returns to where Xander and Willow are moping. “I suspect that the finger food contains actual fingers.” He’s going to go back to the library, but tells them that he will be back in time for the coronation. “And that was a very fine thing you two did, putting Buffy and Cordelia together,” he tells them before he goes.

“We did one fine thing,” says Willow.

“Yeah,” says Xander. “They’ve been gone for a while. They must really be getting into it.”

Buffy and Cordelia find a cabin in the woods and shut themselves up in it. Buffy closes shutters and curtains over the windows, and tells Cordy to find herself a weapon.

Cordelia is nearly hysterical. “I’m never going to be crowned Homecoming Queen! I’m never going to graduate from high school! I’m never going to know if it’s real between me and Xander, or if it’s just some temporary insanity that made me think I loved him! And now I’m never going to get the chance to tell him!”

“Yes, you are,” says Buffy. “We are going to get out of here, and we are going to head back to the library, where Giles and the rest of the weapons live. Then I’m going to take out the rest of these guys just in time for you to congratulate me on my sweeping victory as Homecoming Queen.” She goes back to the window to keep watch.

“I know what you’re up to!” says Cordelia. “You think if you get me mad enough, I won’t be so scared. And, hey! It’s working! Where’s a damn weapon?” She starts searching through drawers.

“Do you really love Xander?” asks Buffy.

Cordy keeps searching. “Well, he kind of grows on you. Like a chia pet.”

Cordelia finds a spatula. “That’s it?” asks Buffy.

“Just this and a telephone,” says Cordy.

“A telephone,” says Buffy. “And you didn’t think that’d be helpful?”

No, this is better for…” Cordelia hits at the air with the spatula.

The Gruenshtahler’s controller narrows in on Buffy and Cordelia’s position on his computer. Trick munches on a bowl of popcorn while he watches him.

“You’re about to see why Daniel Boone and that idiot demon are creatures of the past,” says the controller, “and why I am the future. I’m picking up a signal.” He zooms in on it’s source. “They’ve got a phone!”

Buffy gets the library answering machine. She starts to leave Giles a message telling him where they are, and what’s going on, but she’s cut off.

Kulak finds Jungle Bob still trying to get out of the trap. He offers to cut Bob’s leg off for him. Bob declines the offer.

Their controller directs the Gruenshtahler brothers toward the cabin.

Giles enters his office, and sees that there’s a message on his machine. He starts to play it back.

Cordelia sits down on the bed in the cabin. “Why is it every time I go somewhere with you, it always ends in violence and terror?”

Buffy is keeping watch by a window. “Welcome to my life.”

“I don’t want to be in your life. I want to be in my life,” says Cordelia.

“Well, there’s the door.” Buffy points with the rifle. “Please feel free to walk out at any time and live your life.” She switches positions to look out one of the other windows.

“All I wanted was to be Homecoming Queen,” says Cordelia.

“And that’s all I wanted, too, Cordelia.” Buffy switches windows again. “I spent a year’s allowance on this dress.”

“I don’t even get why you care about Homecoming when you’re doing stuff like this.”

“Because this is all I do,” says Buffy. “This is what my life is. You couldn’t understand. I just thought… Homecoming Queen. I could pick up a yearbook someday and say ‘I was there. I went to high school, I had friends, and for one moment, I got to live in the world.’ And there’d be proof. Proof that I was chosen for something other than this. Besides, I look cute in a tiara.”

Cordelia hears something outside about one second before Kulak comes crashing through a window and into Buffy, making her drop the gun.

Buffy arms herself with a large set of antlers from the cabin wall, while Kulak attacks her with his knives. Cordelia starts hitting at Kulak’s back with her spatula, without effect.

“Cor! The gun!” calls out Buffy.

Cordelia picks up the rifle and fires a shot, which misses by a mile.

“Cordelia! The spatula,” says Buffy.

Buffy jumps up, grabs the chandelier, and kicks Kulak away from her. Cordy tosses the rifle to Buffy who tries to shoot Kulak, but the chamber is still empty from Cordy’s shot. Kulak is on her before Buffy can chamber the next round, so she uses the rifle to block his attack.

The Gruenshtahlers fire a grenade into the cabin. It lands on the floor between Buffy and Kulak.

Buffy and Kulak exchange a quick glance. Buffy grabs Cordy and pulls her toward one of the cabin windows. They both dive through it.

Kulak tries jumping out another window, but it’s shuttered behind the curtains Buffy had closed. Kulak bounces back into the cabin and lands face to grenade just in time for it to blow up.

Buffy and Cordy are knocked off their feet by the explosion. They pick themselves up, and start back to the library.

Giles lies unconscious on the library floor. Lyle and Candy Gorch are there, selecting weapons from Giles’ collection. Candy wants to kill Buffy, as a wedding present to her new husband, for what Buffy did to his brother Tector.

Act IV

The Gruenshtahler’s controller sees that Buffy and Cordy got away from the grenade. Trick is surprised, but not displeased, he’s started cheering for the Slayers. After all, if they survive he gets to keep the prize money.

There’s a knock at the door. Trick answers it and finds that there are a couple of cops there. He asks them what he can do for them.

The cops don’t say anything. They grab Mr. Trick and drag him away toward a waiting car.

“Excuse me!” says Trick. “Anybody got a warrant here?”

Buffy and Cordelia arrive at the school and head toward the library.

“Jungle Bob and Spike Head are down and out,” says Buffy. “We’ve lost the Germans twice, but they seem to keep finding us. If we take them out and the Gorches, we can still make Homecoming.”

“Those animals!” says Cordy. “Hunting us down like poor defenseless…well, animals.”

They reach the library. “We just need to find Giles,” says Buffy.

Candy grabs Buffy by the arm and spins her around. Buffy is taken totally by surprise, and Candy kicks her in the head. She grabs Buffy by the neck, and uses her head to break several shelves in the magazine rack beside the door. Lyle watches with a smile.

Buffy kicks Candy’s legs out from underneath her and jumps back to her feet.

“Buffy!” Cordelia tosses the spatula to her as Candy gets to her feet and picks up a coat rack.

Candy knocks Buffy out with the coat rack, and then looks down and sees the wooden handle of the spatula sticking out of her chest.

“Candy!” cries out Lyle Gorch as his bride disintegrates. “Oh, Candy!” He starts toward where Buffy is lying on the floor. “I’m going to kill both you Slayers for this! You hear me?”

Cordy steps into Lyle’s way. “I hear you, you redneck moron! You got a dress that goes with that hat?”

“I’m going to—” Lyle sputters, at a loss for words.

“Rip out my innards, play with my eyeballs, boil my brain and eat it for brunch?” asks Cordy. “Listen up, needle-brain. Buffy and I have taken out four of your cronies, not to mention your girlfriend.”

“Wife!” yells Lyle.

Giles is starting to stir on the floor.

“Whatever,” says Cordy. “The point is, I haven’t even broken a sweat. See, in the end, Buffy’s just the runner-up. I’m the Queen.” She takes a step toward Lyle, and stares into his eyes. “You get me mad, what do you think I’m going to do to you?”

Lyle considers his options. He decides that it’s time to go. “Later.” He gives Cordelia a wide berth, on his way to the door.

“That should teach him to mistake you for a Slayer.” Buffy tells Cordelia a little later, while Giles tries to straighten up some of the mess. He’s somewhat apologetic that Willow and Xander’s scheme to help Buffy and Cordy make up has turned out so badly.

“Aw, it’s okay,” says Buffy. “It gave Cor and I a chance to spend some quality death time.”

“And we got these free corsages,” says Cordy.

Giles is a little puzzled. He didn’t know anything about corsages.

Buffy takes a closer look at her corsage. “Jungle Bob said that the Germans were hooked into a computer system.” She shows what she has just found to Giles. Hidden inside the corsage is a small electronic device. “And they’re hooked into us.”

Cordelia rips her corsage off her wrist and hands it to Buffy. “Oh, god, get rid of these things!”

Buffy looks at Giles. “I need some wet toilet paper.”

“Yeah! That’ll help,” says Cordy.

The Gruenshtahler brothers enter the school, directed toward the homing devices by their controller. The hallways are darkened, but that isn’t a problem for their night vision gear. They see Buffy run across a corridor in front of them, and they open fire, but she’s gone too quickly for them to hit her.

One of the brothers follows Buffy around the corner and sees her ducking into a classroom. He follows her in, while his brother waits outside.

The controller still has both homing beacons moving together. He relays the bearing to the brother waiting outside, and he aims at the indicated position on the wall.

The other brother searches for Buffy inside the classroom. He doesn’t see her. When his back is turned to her Buffy rises up from behind the book case she has been hiding behind and throws the wad of wet toilet paper containing the homing beacons at his back, where it sticks.

The controller calls out the sudden change in position to the brother outside, and tells him to fire. He starts shooting through the wall. His brother spins around and shoots back, firing through the wall at whatever attacked him. They shoot each other.

Back at Trick’s, the signals from the homing devices go dead. The controller thinks he’s won.

Mr. Trick is shown into the Mayor’s office. Mayor Wilkins introduces himself. He already knows who Mr. Trick is. He directs him to take a seat.

Mayor Wilkins looks Trick over. “That’s an exciting suit.”

Trick holds out the lapels of his red suit. “Well, clothes make the man.”

“Well, as I understand it, you’re not a man…exactly,” says Mayor Wilkins. “Mr. Trick, I’ve been the Mayor for quite some time. I like things to run smoothly. This is a very important year for me.”

“Election year,” says Trick.

“Something like that,” says Wilkins.

Trick is not impressed. “If this is the part where you tell me that I don’t fit in here in your quiet little neighbourhood, you can just skip it ’cause, see, that all got old long before I became a vampire. Do you know what I’m saying?”

“Do you have children?” asks the Mayor. Trick is surprised by the non sequitur. “Children are the heart of a community. They need to be looked after. Controlled. The more rebellious element needs to be dealt with. The children are our future. We need them. I need them.”

“If this rebellious element means who I think it does,” says Mr. Trick, “then that problem may be taken care of this very night.”

“So I’ve heard. That’s a very enterprising idea you have: SlayerFest.” The Mayor laughs. “I love that name, by the way. You see, that’s the kind of initiative I need on my team.”

“What if I don’t want to be a part of the team?” asks Trick.

“Oh, no, that won’t be an issue.” The Mayor goes to his desk and pulls a box from a drawer. “See, you and I are going to get along very well.” He opens the box and hold it out toward Mr. Trick. “Moist towelette?”

Epilogue

Devon steps up to the microphone on stage in the Bronze to announce the winner of this year’s Homecoming Queen crown.

Willow wonders what’s keeping Buffy and Cordy.

Oz spots Buffy and Cordelia entering with Giles. Both girls are a mess. Their dresses are torn, and covered with dirt. “I’m going to go with mud wrestling.”

Xander turns and sees Buffy and Cordy too. “God, what did you two do to each other?”

“Long story,” says Buffy.

“Got hunted,” says Cordy.

“Apparently not that long,” says Buffy. “Tell you one thing, though: you don’t want to mess with Cordelia.”

Xander laughs, until he sees the glare Cordy gives him.

Devon raises the envelope with the winner’s name in it.

“After all that we’ve been through tonight,” says Cordelia, “this whole who-gets-to-be-queen capade seems pretty—”

“Damn important,” says Buffy.

“Oh, yeah.”

“And the winner is…” Devon opens the envelope. He pauses for a moment in surprise. “Hey, I believe we have a first for Sunnydale High. We have a tie.” Buffy and Cordy start to smile. “The winners are Holly Charleston and Michelle Blake!”

Buffy and Cordy’s smiles fade as Holly and Michelle push between them, and rush up on stage to accept their crown. They give each other a look, and turn and walk out of the Bronze in disgust as Holly and Michelle make their acceptance speeches.

Characters Introduced

• Mayor Richard Wilkins III
• Deputy Mayor Allan Finch

Death Toll