Introduction
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| Gone | Dead Things |
“Now, I get Warren being a supervillainy type,” says Xander, “but I thought Jonathan completely learned that lesson. I never even heard of this other guy.” He puts a large bowl of popcorn on the coffee table between Willow and Anya in Buffy’s living room.
Willow has already told them about discovering the identities of the three geeks. “You should have seen their headquarters. It was like, the nerd natural habitat.”
Anya takes a handful of popcorn, and asks if they shouldn’t be doing something about them. She’s also wondering where Buffy is. She shouldn’t be late for her first day at her new job.
Willow tells them that Buffy tried, but the geeks had cleared out of their lair before they got there. She gets all wistful as she describes the magical stuff that they found in the basement, but manages to pull herself back together.
“Okay, see this is why demons are better than people,” says Anya.
Willow takes her own handful of popcorn. “Interesting turn.”
“When I was a vengeance demon, I caused pain and mayhem, certainly, but I put in a full day’s work doing it, and I got compensated appropriately. But supervillains want reward without labour to make things come easy. It’s wrong. Without labour, there can be no payment and vice versa. The country cannot progress. The workers are the tools that shape America.”
“Good to know. I was kinda feeling like a tool.”
They turn and see Buffy standing at the entrance to the living room. She’s wearing the uniform for her new job. Orange striped polyester, and a ball cap with a cartoon cow head on the front and a rooster tail on the back. “And now I know why.”
Buffy sits in the manager’s office at the Doublemeat Palace watching an employee orientation video on the TV. The tape starts by showing happy smiling Doublemeat Palace employees, all proud to be part of the Doublemeat Experience, and then goes into graphic detail on the process that takes cows and chickens and turns them into Doublemeat Medleys. Even after six years of seeing gruesome things, Buffy is disgusted.
The tape ends and the manager turns on the lights. “Interesting, isn’t it?”
“Oh, yes.” Buffy tries to feign enthusiasm. “Like how the cow and the chicken come together even though they’ve never met. It’s like Sleepless in Seattle if— if Meg and Tom were, like, minced.”
“I’m Manny, the Manager. It’s not a joke. It’s just my name.” Manny is a complete dork, and he speaks in a monotone, much like Jack Webb. “Why do you want to work here, Buffy? You seem like a sharp young woman, and there are a lot of other jobs.”
“Well, I kind of need money pretty quickly, like, today, and so, I didn’t want to go through a lengthy interview process, and I figured this was probably the fastest…way…to—” Buffy notices the way Manny is looking at her. “Because I wanted to be part of the Doublemeat Experience?”
Manny nods, and invites Buffy on a tour.
The tour begins in the employee locker room. Manny introduces Buffy to Phillip and Timothy, two long time Doublemeat employees. They both appear to be completely brain dead. They just stare into space, taking no real notice of anything.
Phillip slowly looks around at Buffy. “What happened to the other one? Catherine?”
Timothy doesn’t look around. He just keeps staring at a spot on the wall. “She’s gone.”
“What happened?” asks Buffy.
“Whatever always happens,” says Timothy.
Manny opens a locker door with a vacant tag on it, and tells Buffy she can use it. Buffy notices that there’s still some clothes and things in it. Manny tells her she can toss the stuff, or keep it. He doesn’t expect to see their owner again. They have a high turnover.
Manny starts to lead Buffy toward the kitchen. He points to Phillip and Timothy. “Watch these two.”
“Are they going to do something?” asks Buffy.
“They’re solid,” said Manny. “Follow their example, and you won’t go wrong. They’re lifers.”
“Lifers?”
“In it for life. Like me. You want to get something out of this, Buffy, you’ll do the same.” Manny points to the pin he’s wearing with a ‘10’ on it. “You put the work in, and ten years from now, you’ll be where I am, I promise you.” He takes a time card from the rack, and punches it in the time clock. “Congratulations. You’re on the clock.”
Manny shows Buffy around the kitchen. “The beating heart of the Doublemeat Palace.” It’s full of zombie like employees grilling burgers, chopping lettuce, and doing other things.
Buffy becomes fascinated by a girl slicing pressed chicken. “Wow. They’re all so identical.”
Manny looks around at the workers. “Yeah, they all start to look the same to me, too.”
“Oh, no, not the employees, the chicken slices.” Buffy continues to stare at the chicken slices coming out of the slicer, almost hypnotised by them.
Buffy is brought out of her daze by a voice over a loudspeaker ordering a number two Medley Meal. Manny points to the drive through station. It’s a high pressure post. Buffy won’t be working there. He also points out the walk-in freezer. Something else she won’t need to go near.
Manny points out the dehydrated pickle storage. Buffy tries the cabinet doors underneath it. “Those are locked!” says Manny.
Manny turns to the tray of paper wrapped burgers under the heat lamps, and pulls one out. He lovingly unwraps it. “Now I want to show you this. Look. The Doublemeat Medley. A classic double-decker with a twist.” He gestures at the burger. “A pure beefy patty above the mid-bun and a slice of processed chicken product below the mid-bun. Plus, pickles and the secret ingredient.” He holds it out to Buffy. “Eat it.”
Buffy tries to decline the offered burger, the video of how the beef and chicken are melded still fresh in her memory, but she sees the look Manny is giving her. “Oh…but it smells so good. Mmm…” She takes a bite. “So, what is your secret ingredient?”
“It’s a meat process,” says Manny. “Now I think it’s time to start earning your money, don’t you, Buffy?”
Gary shows Buffy how to work the cash. He seems to be the only guy in the place who isn’t part zombie. After taking an order from a customer he hands her a cup and tells her to fill it. He goes to get the burger and fries.
Buffy looks at the cup. “Fill this? I didn’t know there was going to be drug testing on this job.”
Gary grins. “You’re funny. You better stop that.”
“Why?”
“Productivity,” says Gary. “One of Manny’s watchwords. ‘Levity is the time thief that picks the pocket of a company.’”
“I prefer the one that goes, ‘Manny’s a humorless dolt who picks the pocket of he-should-bite-me.’”
Gary laughs again. “You really need to be quiet with that.” He hands the Medley Meal to the customer, and a little old lady in an obvious wig steps up to the counter and orders a small coffee and a cherry pie. He hits a bunch of buttons on the cash. “That’s $1.92, Ma’am.”
“You hit so many buttons,” says Buffy. “It was like buttonpalooza.”
Gary tells Buffy it’s easy. There are little pictures of all the meals on the cash, you just push the buttons with the right pictures. “A cocker spaniel could do it. Here, why don’t you take the next one, the family. They’re regulars.” He goes to get the little old lady’s cherry pie and coffee.
Buffy smiles at the little old lady. “Hi. I’m new.”
“I come here every day,” says the Wig Lady.
“That’s nice,” says Buffy.
“Oh, you really might make it, dear,” says Wig Lady. “Not like some of them, where suddenly you never see them again. I can see you here for a long time.” Buffy does not greet this as good news.
Gary returns with the tray carrying Wig Lady’s coffee and cherry pie, hands it to her, and the family steps up to the cash.
“Hi,” says Buffy. “Welcome to the Doublemeat Palace. May I help you?”
“Yeah,” says the father. “We need two number four Medley Meals, a Junior Medley, a Fisherman’s Medley with bacon, and a Kid’s Meal, plus three fries, a chocolatey shake, and extra pickles on one of the Medleys.”
Buffy scans the cash register. All the buttons look the same. She leans toward the father, and points at one of the buttons. “Excuse me. Um, this button… Does it look chocolatey to you?”
Buffy eats a Doublemeat Medley Meal in the dining area during her break, surrounded by zombie like customers.
Buffy looks inside the walk-in freezer. When she closes the door again she’s surprised to see Manny the Manager behind it, looking at her. “You don’t need to be in there.”
“Sorry,” says Buffy. “I was just curious.”
“Curiosity killed the cat,” says Manny. He walks away.
“Theory number five.” Buffy tells herself. “Cat burgers.”
Buffy has figured out the cash. She finishes up serving a customer, and is surprised to see the next people in line are Xander, Anya, Willow and Dawn. Buffy’s glad to see them, and Xander asks her how it’s going.
Buffy isn’t sure. “I’ve waitressed before, but…this is different.”
“Uh, when have you waitressed?” asks Dawn.
“That summer in L.A. It was a diner, and we had, you know, lots of people who didn’t tip and funny, funny health-code violations, but it wasn’t like it is here. I think there’s something wrong here.” Buffy notices that Willow has picked up a couple of paper wrapped straws and is drumming nervously with them. “Will, are you okay?”
Willow puts the straws back. “Sorry, I, uh…yeah, I… Something’s wrong?”
Buffy leans toward them so she can speak quietly. “There’s—there’s this manager, right? And he’s all scary and mysterious. You know? And there’s this secret ingredient. And the people that work here, they’re—they’re kind of strange. You know? They just— just stare into space. Plus, they disappear.”
“Disappear, poof?” asks Anya.
“No, not poof,” says Buffy. “Well, I don’t think so.”
Xander has worked fast food himself, and he thinks that what Buffy’s seeing is perfectly normal. “There’s the assorted creepiness. There’s staring. There’s the enthusiastic not-showing-up-at-all. I think you’re seeing demons where there’s just life.”
Buffy didn’t say anything about demons, but she’s getting a serious vibe. “I mean, you guys still haven’t seen this manager.”
“Well, isn’t that him over there, getting the pickles wet?” Anya points toward where Manny is taking pickles from the dehydrated pickle store, and dunking them in water.
“Yeah, with the saddle shoes,” says Xander.
“And the glasses,” says Willow.
Buffy admits that she may just be a little wigged by the video of the cow and chicken getting all swirly together. Suddenly Xander’s hungry. He orders one of the Medley Meals.
“Okay, you got it,” says Buffy. “On me.” She turns away to get Xander’s meal.
Xander tells the others that Buffy will be fine once she settles in. “And by ordering, I’m helping.”
“And getting a free meal?” asks Dawn.
Anya suggests that since Xander likes the Medley Meals so much they should serve them at the reception, which Dawn thinks sounds cool. Anya is running a little behind on her wedding planning. “After Willow gave us the ‘whoosh’ engagement party, I got slack on the planning, ’cause I figured she’d help. But, well, now that’s all been blown to hell.”
“Hey, standing right here!” says Willow. “Standing right exactly here.”
“Sorry. Didn’t mean to tempt you.” Anya leans over to Dawn. “Everyone’s so delicate.”
Anya still has a lot of work to do. She hasn’t picked out the bridesmaid’s dresses yet, and most of the demons from out of town haven’t responded to their invitations yet.
Buffy returns with Xander’s meal, and tells him that she double sized it for him. Xander thanks her, and bites hungrily into his Doublemeat Medley.
“And cut way back on the cat,” says Buffy.
“Cat?” asks Xander around a mouthful of burger.
“Just kidding,” says Buffy. Xander forces a laugh. “Probably.”
Later that evening things have gotten slow in the Doublemeat Palace. Buffy asks Gina, the woman working the other cash, if she can take a break.
At first Gina doesn’t respond at all, but then she slowly turns toward Buffy and tells her that they aren’t allowed.
“There’s no one here,” says Buffy.
“Sure there is,” says Gina. “Look.”
Buffy looks back across the counter and sighs. “This’ll make my day complete.”
Spike is examining the menu. “What’s in the Doublemeat Nuggets?”
Buffy tells Spike to go away. She’s working.
“Yeah, and you chose to be in the consumer service profession, and I’m a consumer,” says Spike. “Service me.”
“Order something or go,” says Buffy.
Spike blinks. “Give a bloke a chance for his eyes to adjust. Damn florescent lights. They make me look dead.” Buffy declines to make any comment. “Some demons love ’em. The way they vibrate makes the skin twitch. That the kind of demon you are, love?”
“I am not a demon,” says Buffy. “I don’t know why you can hit me, but I’m not a demon.”
“Oh, I see. That why you took this job? Prove something to yourself? A normal job for a normal girl. Good way to drive yourself crazy, that is.”
“I’ll be fine.”
Spike leans across the counter. “Buffy. You’re not happy here.”
“Please don’t make this harder.”
“You don’t belong here. You’re something— You’re better than this.”
“I need the money,” says Buffy.
“I can get money. Walk with me now. Come on.”
“I—I need to go help Gary with the fries.” Buffy turns away from Spike, toward the kitchen.
Spike reaches out and takes hold of Buffy’s elbow. “You got to get out of here!” Buffy pulls away from him. “This place’ll do stuff to you. This place’ll kill you!”
Gary steps out into the alley behind the Doublemeat Palace after his shift is done. He reaches into his backpack and fumbles for his car keys. He hears a noise and looks up. “Someone there?”
Something steps out of the shadows. Gary recognises them, and he smiles. “Oh, hey. What are you doing?” What he sees suddenly terrifies him. “Wh-what!” He screams.
Buffy punches in for her shift at 9AM the next morning. Timothy is a little surprised that she showed up. So’s Buffy.
She turns away from the time clock and finds herself face to face with Manny. He says that Gary didn’t show up that morning to open up like he was supposed to, and tells Buffy to pull his card.
Buffy thinks that might be a little premature, Gary might just be late.
Manny ignores what Buffy said, and tells her that because Gary’s a no-show she’ll be working the grill today.
“Me?” asks Buffy. “But I don’t know how to grill.”
Manny smiles at her. “Just think, this is the last day you’ll ever be able to say that.”
Phillip explains how to work the grill to Buffy. “You put the beef on the grill, hit the button, then it beeps. You flip the beef, hit the other button, then it beeps. You put it on the bun.” He pauses for a moment. “There’s not a button for that.”
“Repeat until insane.” Buffy tells herself.
Phillip explains that the procedure is meant to eliminate variation. He puts four frozen patties onto the grill, and pushes the button. Every burger in every Doublemeat Palace is the same. “People don’t like variation.”
“Got it,” says Buffy. “Variety is the spice of bad.” She watches the burgers fry, and asks what the secret ingredient is.
“It’s a meat process,” says Phillip.
“Well, what does that mean?”
“It’s a process,” says Phillip. “They do it to the meat.”
“But what is it?”
“It’s just the name of the process.”
The timer beeps and Phillip hands Buffy a spatula. She flips the burgers sizzling on the grill. “So, I guess we’re going to get kind of greasy, huh?”
“Hmm,” says Phillip. “Skin, hair, eyelashes…nostrils…inside your ears… You want to look inside my ears?” Buffy declines. “Once I noticed I couldn’t hear and went to the doctor, he said it was grease that made a plug. They got me a kit, a kit for cleaning my ears. It’s got this little bulb mechanism.”
Buffy’s actually happy when Manny shows up, until she hears what he’s there for. She’s working a double shift today.
“What? Another eight hours? Right after these eight hours? But that’s…so many hours,” says Buffy.
Manny tells Buffy she’ll be paid for them, plus she gets an extra free Doublemeat Medley.
Buffy asks why this is happening and Manny tells her that on top of Gary not showing, one of the grinder guys is late.
“But they could still show up, right?” asks Buffy. “I mean, they could be anywhere.”
Timothy drops a huge tray of ground beef, wrapped in plastic, on top of the table in front of Buffy and Manny. “Your meat’s here.”
Xander gets off the phone from Buffy and starts to call into the bedroom to tell Anya about Buffy getting stuck at work. There’s a flash in the apartment. He looks toward its source and sees the smoke clearing to reveal a female vengeance demon.
“I have been called, and vengeance shall I wreak!” Her voice echos through the apartment. “Cower, masculine one. Tremble as you face my wrath!”
Anya comes out of the bedroom, with a notebook. “Xander, I’m starting to think that maybe we should do a potluck thing.”
Xander points out the demon to her. “Honey.”
Anya gasps.
“Hello,” says the demon. “I am here to tear this man apart. How many pieces do you wish?”
“Halfrek?” asks Anya.
“Anyanka?” asks the demon. Her voice loses the reverb effects, and goes up an octave. “Oh, my god!”
Anya and the demon grab each other in a hug, and do a little happy dance together while they say “Hi” to each other.
“You two, you know each other?” asks Xander.
Anya tells Halfrek that she didn’t summon her to kill Xander. She called to invite her to the wedding.
Xander decides that these two obviously have a lot of catching up to do, so he’ll be elsewhere. He leaves the apartment.
Anya tells Hallie that it’s good to see her, but she really didn’t plan on having her show up until the ceremony.
“I guess I got the message garbled,” says Halfrek. “You know how it is. Half the time, I have no idea if I’m maiming the right guy. So, um, you’re marrying that man with the large upper arms?”
“Yes,” says Anya.
“Why?”
“Well, because I love him.”
“Hmm,” says Halfrek.
“We’re going to be very happy together!”
“Hmm.”
“What?” asks Anya.
Buffy drops a basket of fries into the deep frier, and watches them boil. The frier beside it starts to bubble on its own, with nothing in it.
“Sometimes it does that,” says Timothy. “They say bugs fall in there. Oh, I’m back. You can go on your break now.”
Buffy pulls off her hat and looks out toward the dining area of the restaurant. She sees Spike walking by outside, looking in at her.
Spike presses Buffy up against the wall in the back alley, beside the dumpster, having sex. They don’t look at each other while they do it. They just satisfy each other’s physical need.
Willow lies on her bed, highlighting passages in the textbook she’s reading. There’s a knock on the door.
Willow looks up and sees Amy. She says Dawn let her in. “So, is she pissed at you, too, or just at me? What did you tell her about me?”
Willow ignores the question, and asks what Amy’s doing there.
Amy has come for her cage—it had been her home for three years after all. Willow is a little surprised, but says she can take it.
Amy sits on the bed beside Willow. “Hey, so I hear you got this whole cold-turkey thing going on. How’s that going?”
“It’s good,” says Willow. “It’s really good. I mean, it was hard at first, frustrating doing everything the slow way. It was like, is everything going to take forever forever? But, uh, it’s better now. I’m getting my focus back.”
Amy looks at the page that Willow’s been highlighting. “Hmm. I can see that.” Willow has highlighted everything.
Willow closes her book. “It’s a pivotal page.”
“So, this is it, huh?” asks Amy. “This is going to be your life from now on?”
“What?” asks Willow. “No.”
Amy gets up off the bed. “Well, you’re never going to do it again…ever. You’re never going to feel how it made you feel.”
“Don’t think that’s the way to look at it.”
Amy picks up her cage. “Hey, Will, it’s your birthday.”
Willow’s puzzled. “No, it isn’t. But now that you mention it, Buffy’s is coming—”
“Potestas,” says Amy. Power flows from her into Willow.
Willow’s eyes turn black and power crackles from her fingertips. Willow touches a vase on her bedside table, and its sides peal back like flower petals. She touches her lamp, and it vanishes in magical flames. “Amy!”
“It’s a gift,” says Amy. “It’s magic, and it didn’t come from you. It came from me. Completely legal. Enjoy.” She smiles and walks out with her cage.
Buffy watches the meat grinder as it slices and grinds pieces of meat into hamburger. The hamburger starts overflowing from the catch tray, and Buffy bends down to clean it up off the floor. She finds a human finger.
Buffy storms into Manny’s office. “Look! Look what I found under the meat grinder!” She holds up the finger. “Want to tell me what’s going on?”
“I’m not sure,” says Manny.
“Try again!”
“Well, there was an accident, maybe, six weeks ago,” says Manny. “A grinder incident.”
That doesn’t wash with Buffy. This finger is fresh.
“It is?” asks Manny. “Oh. Um, well, maybe Gary did come in this morning or, I don’t know, late last night. Maybe there was an accident and he got himself to the hospital.”
“Right. Maybe he’s in the hospital.” Buffy slaps Manny’s desk. “Or maybe he’s in the grinder, huh? Huh? Meat process? Secret ingredient? Maybe Gary’s on the grill, or maybe he’s under the pickle chips!”
Buffy runs out of the office. Manny chases after her.
Buffy runs into the dining area, and starts pulling trays off people’s tables. “Stop! Stop! Everybody, you have to stop! Stop eating! No, you can’t eat this! It’s not beef! It’s people! The Doublemeat Medley is people!”
Manny and Timothy grab Buffy’s arms, and drag her back toward the kitchen.
“The meat layer, it’s definitely people! It’s people!” shouts Buffy. “It’s people! Probably not the chickeny part, but who knows? Who knows?”
The Wig Lady holds out her pie. “What about the cherry pie?”
Manny and Timothy drag Buffy back into the kitchen.
“What are you doing?” asks Manny. “I thought you were a part of the team!”
Buffy throws Manny over a table, and throws Timothy off too. Phillip tries to grab her, but gets thrown across the kitchen.
Manny pushes his glasses back up onto his nose, and looks up at Buffy from the floor. “You are fired!”
Anya and Halfrek sit on the sofa drinking tea. Halfrek wants to hear more about Xander.
“You keep asking about him,” says Anya. “Do you think I’m making a mistake?”
“Do you?” asks Halfrek.
“Well, no. Xander, he…he’s very kind and brave, and he has the sweetest smile and the nicest body, and he loves me. Sometimes it isn’t easy, but he does.”
“Who told you that it isn’t easy to love you?” asks Halfrek.
“Well, you know, I’ll do something or say something, and then he has to say stuff like ‘It’s incorrect for you to appreciate money so much’ or ‘Observe—here is how a real human would behave.’”
“Oh, so he corrects you?”
“Well, no. It’s just… Um, well, no. I mean, now I’m all confused. I mean, what, do you think there’s something wrong with the way he treats me?”
“Do you?” asks Halfrek.
“Okay, you have to stop doing that. I love Xander!”
“Even though he thinks he knows better than you?”
“But he doesn’t. He doesn’t think that.”
“Okay, I’m sorry.” Halfrek laughs. “I was just curious. You know, you don’t have to say another thing about it if you’re not comfortable.”
“But I am. I mean, it’s not like I’m hiding any deficiencies or anything.”
Halfrek sips her tea. “Hmm.”
Xander and Dawn sit at the round table in the Magic Box playing Fish. Buffy drops a wrapped Doublemeat Medley on the table between them. “I call an emergency meeting, and this is it? Where’s Willow? Where’s Anya?”
Dawn says that she knocked on Willow’s door, but didn’t get any answer. Xander tells them that Anya is entertaining a vengeance demon friend.
Buffy tells them that there’s something wrong at the Doublemeat Palace. She walks over to the Magic Box’s cash counter, where she left her purse. Dawn follows, and asks if Buffy’s been fighting some sort of demon, because she smells kind of funky.
“No, I’m talking about—” Buffy sniffs her hair. “Ugh. That’s great. That’s—that’s just great. I try to do the simplest thing in the world, get an ordinary job in a well-lit place, and, look, I’m right back where I started— blood and death and funky smells.”
Buffy pulls a napkin out of her purse. “Look. Look what I found near the grinder.” She unwraps the finger.
“Eww,” says Dawn. “Wh-whose is that?”
Buffy doesn’t know, but she thinks it might be Gary’s. The only one in the whole place who didn’t seem brain-dead. “He didn’t show up this morning. Except now I think he was there the whole time as the secret ingredient. We need to analyse that burger. We need to find out if it used to be people.”
“What?” asks Xander. “People?” His mouth is full, and there is an empty Doublemeat wrapper on the table.
“Xander, you ate the burger?” asks Buffy.
“Well, first you say it’s cat! Then you come in, hand me a burger! Blah, blah, blah! Five minutes later, oh, and by the way, it happens to be hot, delicious human flesh?”
Buffy is upset. She needed to have that burger analysed. “Now I’m going to have to get another one.”
“That’s your problem with this scenario?” asks Xander. “You getting seconds?”
Willow comes running in through the door and apologises for being late. Xander tells her that she missed the Gary burger, while trying not to throw up.
Willow wants to jump right into it. “Did Xander say something about food?” She picks up a pencil off the table and a bit of Amy’s lingering spell makes it go limp as a wet noodle. Willow hides it in her purse before anyone notices.
Dawn tells Willow she wouldn’t want any. “Apparently, the Doublemeat Medley is people.”
Xander belches.
“Whoa, bad,” says Willow.
Buffy suspects that it isn’t just the local Doublemeat Palace. There are Doublemeat Palaces all over California. “They’ve got the perfect deal. Everyone expects high turnover of the employees. They get the meat for nothing, and… And they have us disposing of the bodies. How sick is that? We need to bring down the whole corporation.” She asks if there’s any way to confirm what was in the burger.
Willow says that she can analyse it. She looks at Xander. “You ate it?”
Dawn points out that they still have the wrapper, and there’s still some bits of meat sticking to it.
Buffy thinks that’s good. They can get to work on that. She plans to go back to the Doublemeat Palace. It’s after closing, and she wants to have another look around. She leaves.
Dawn notices that Willow seems to be pretty fidgetty. “Are you okay?”
“I’m just worried about Buffy,” says Willow. “She could be walking into anything.”
Buffy examines the darkened kitchen of the Doublemeat Palace. She steps into the walk-in freezer, and looks around. She sees nothing out of the ordinary. The door starts to swing shut behind her.
Buffy stops the door from closing, and goes back out into the kitchen. She examines the meat grinder. It has been cleaned spotless.
Buffy hears a noise behind her and turns around. “Manny?”
Buffy starts toward the sound and trips over something on the floor. She picks it up: a saddle shoe, with a foot ending in a bloody stump still in it. “Guess you really were a lifer.”
Willow’s hands tremble as she pours reagents together at the round table. “Don’t need magic,” she mumbles to herself. “Don’t need it. Don’t need it.”
Xander and Dawn are sitting at the counter. “My friend Janice, her sister’s a lawyer,” says Dawn.
“You think I should sue over the burger?” asks Xander. “That’s interesting.” He considers the idea.
That isn’t what Dawn was getting at. “I just mean… Buffy’s never going to be a lawyer or a doctor, anything big.”
“She’s the Slayer,” says Xander. “She saves the whole world. That’s way bigger.”
But Dawn knows it still means that Buffy is going to be stuck with a series of crap jobs for her whole life. “I could still grow up to be anything, but for her, this is it.”
“Okay, but maybe you’ll be a lawyer or a doctor,” says Xander, “and you can use all your money to support your deadbeat sister.”
“Oh, that’s terrifically better,” says Dawn. “Thanks.”
Willow calls them over to the research table. She thinks she’s got it. Xander looks at all her test tubes and things. “Good job, Will. Those aren’t, like, potions, are they?”
“No. No potions,” says Willow. “It’s not magic. It’s chemistry. You can tell by how damn slow it is. I made a solution that reacts to the proteins in human blood, so we’re pretty close to knowing for certain.”
Anya comes running into the Magic Box, out of breath, and Dawn tells her that they’re doing chemistry. Anya is sorry she hurried.
Xander asks if Anya’s friend had a good time, and then left.
“She’s gone,” says Anya.
“So, Ahn, the way she looked with the face, that wasn’t what you used to look like, was it?”
“Is there something wrong with that?” asks Anya. “I mean, did you think she was unattractive?”
“Okay, is there any answer to that question that won’t make you nuts?”
“Halfrek was always considered to be a great beauty.”
“Well, Hon, she was a little… There was some veiny-ness.”
Willow’s hands are still shaking, so she asks Xander to hold a microscope slide while she places a bit of the meat from the wrapper, and a couple of drops of her solution onto it. She puts it into the microscope, and peers into it. Dawn asks what she sees.
“There’s no reaction,” says Willow.
“Oh, god, no!” says Xander. “There’s no reaction.”
“Which means it’s not human,” says Willow.
“It’s not human!” says Xander. He looks at her. “It’s not human?”
“Well, is it demon meat?” asks Anya. “I mean, maybe it’s someone’s, you know, killing demons and using them as a cheap source of meat. I mean, we’ve all heard of that.” She looks at Xander. “And, by the way, I’m opposed to using demon meat, no matter how much money it saves. Does that surprise you?”
Xander looks at Anya. “Again, I say: ‘huh?’”
Willow adjusts to focus on the microscope. “No, I’m not sure what I’m seeing. Cellulose?” She sits up. “There’s something weird here.”
Buffy walks around the Doublemeat Palace kitchen, still carrying Manny’s foot. She sees something that looks like a scalp on the counter, but when she picks it up, she realizes it isn’t. “Wig Lady?”
“Oh, dear.” Buffy turns around and sees her. “Wig Lady, is that what they call me? I don’t care for that. I mean, I have to do something to hide this.” The top of the Wig Lady’s bald head splits open and a snake like thing starts to extrude from it.
The snake rises up into the air, and extends toward Buffy. It’s about six feet long, and has a head with a mouth ringed in teeth at the end of it. The mouth opens and it sprays something into Buffy’s face.
Buffy stubbles back against the cash counter, but the snake keeps moving toward her. She tries to kick at it, but her feet have stopped working.
“It’s paralyzing,” says the Wig Lady. “Don’t try to move, dear. You really can’t, much.”
Buffy stumbles back while the snake hovers in front of her.
The Wig Lady tells Buffy that the paralysis will spread upwards from her legs. “You may want to flail your arms a bit while you still can.”
Buffy punches at the snake, but it dodges her.
Buffy falls to the floor, her legs aren’t working at all anymore.
“Did I tell you you’re my favourite?” asks the Wig Lady. “Doublemeat workers. You’re so full of Doublemeat burgers, and you just slide down so smooth. Oh, I just love the paralysis. It means I can eat you slowly.”
Buffy grabs a tray and bashes the snake away from her. She crawls away into the kitchen. The Wig Lady follows her.
Willow walks up to the front door of the Doublemeat Palace. She tries the door, but it’s locked. She cups her hands against the glass and tries to peer inside.
Buffy crawls under one of the kitchen work tables.
Willow goes to the drive through and calls through the microphone. “Buffy, are you in there? I can’t see you inside. Buffy, if you’re in there, the burger isn’t people. They aren’t even meat. It’s all processed vegetables. Isn’t that weird?”
Buffy can hear Willow, but she can’t reply. The paralysis is affecting her voice. She tries to evade the searching snake by crawling under the tables.
“Buffy, there’s more. Something happened today, and it wasn’t my fault. It was Amy’s fault, but I feel so bad about it. It was Amy’s power, but it felt like I was doing everything myself, and I couldn’t stop. And now it’s gone, and I feel kind of shaky and like I need it.”
The snake hovers around the edges of the table Buffy’s hiding under. Buffy tries to crawl away to another hiding place.
The Wig Lady grabs Buffy and pulls her out from under the table. She lifts her to her feet, and pushes her up against the table. The snake comes down on Buffy’s shoulder, and starts to gnaw.
Buffy fumbles for a knife on the table, but she’s lost coordination in her hands. She just knocks the knife and a bunch of other stuff to the floor.
Willow hears the noise, and starts looking for a way to get in.
Wig Lady pulls Buffy away from the table, and pushes her up against the wall beside the meat grinder. Buffy’s hand hits the start button. She hears the sound of breaking glass.
Willow appears behind the Wig Lady. “Buffy!”
The snake swings around, and sprays at Willow. She ducks, and the snake swings back and starts gnawing on Buffy’s shoulder again.
Willow stands up with a meat cleaver in her hands. “Missed me!” She swings at the base of the snake, where it connects to the top of Wig Lady’s head, and cuts it off.
Buffy, Wig Lady, and the snake all fall to the floor. The snake is still alive, writhing on the floor, and trying to bite Buffy. Buffy grabs a plastic knife, and tries to stab it.
Willow grabs the snake and tosses it into the meat grinder. It tries to escape, but she pushes it back down, and watches as the spinning blades slice it into pieces. She helps Buffy get back to her feet, and asks if she’s okay.
“Paralyzed,” says Buffy, “but I think it’s wearing off.”
“I did it!” says Willow. “I killed her, Buffy! Look.” She points into the meat grinder.
They both look into the grinder, and then at the stream of snake guts spewing out of it onto the floor. “Eww!”
Amy walks up to the Summers front door, and rings the doorbell. Willow answers it. She isn’t pleased to see Amy.
Amy’s there to borrow some laundry detergent. Willow tells her she can’t.
“I can’t borrow detergent? Well, when they start calling me Stinky Amy, I’m just going to say, ‘Hey, not my fault.’”
“I can’t spend time with you anymore,” says Willow. “You can’t come in here again.”
“What’s up?” asks Amy. “You didn’t like your birthday present?”
“That’s right,” says Willow.
“You’re telling me that you didn’t have a genuine blast? Come on, that was a sweet spell. It was like a trip to Disneyland without the lines.”
“You don’t get it!” says Willow. “What you did to me was wrong! Do you have any idea how much harder that makes, just, everything?”
“You know what I notice?” asks Amy. “You’re not denying that you had fun.”
“Shut up.”
“Oh, yeah. Sharp argument you got there. Were you on the debate team? I forget. I forgot a lot while you were failing to make me be not a rat.”
“Amy, if you really are my friend, you better stay away from me, and if you really aren’t… You better stay away from me.”
Amy turns and walks away. Willow closes the door.
Buffy knocks on the wall by the door of the manager’s office in the Doublemeat Palace. She’s there to return her uniform.
The new manager is Lorraine Ross. She’s cheerful, and pleasant, and about 30 years old. She’s in the process of taking Manny’s pictures with inspirational messages down off the walls. “They called me in when Manny did his disappearing act. You hear about that? Guy just disappeared.”
Lorraine has also heard about Buffy’s “practical joke” the other day. She’s surprised that Buffy’s returning the uniform. Most ex-employees don’t bother.
Buffy starts to leave, but she pauses by the door and looks back. “The Doublemeat Medley is vegetables?”
Lorraine’s smile freezes on her face. “How do you know that?”
“So, I guess it’s true,” says Buffy.
Lorraine asks Buffy to close the door, and take a seat. She tells Buffy that the burgers are a textured vegetable based meat-like product, blended with rendered beef fat for flavour.
“Wait,” says Buffy. “The secret ingredient in the beef is…beef?”
Lorraine really doesn’t want Buffy telling anyone this. “The Doublemeat reputation is built on a foundation of…well, meat. You can’t spread this around.”
“I get that.” Buffy suddenly really gets that. “It’s a valuable secret, isn’t it?”
Lorraine’s smile fades. “Is there something you want?”
“I really need money.”
Lorraine is getting less happy. “You want money?”
“No!” says Buffy. “Well, I mean, yes, but no! I…Well, I want to work. See, I have zero money coming in, and there are expenses, and by the time I interview for a new job and get hired and go through a training process, I… I’d really like to not be fired anymore.”
Lorraine considers for a bit. She is shorthanded right now, and Buffy is already trained. If Buffy can refrain from future practical jokes, she can not be fired.
“Thank you,” says Buffy. “That’s great. I can do the job. I promise that, too.”
“I certainly hope so,” says Lorraine. “I don’t like short-timers, Buffy. I like people who want to be here. Maybe you didn’t take this job seriously before, but from now on…” She points to the five year pin on her shirt. “See this? I want you to be shooting for this from here on out.”
“Right. Here on out.” Buffy forces a smile.
| Who or What | Where | How |
|---|---|---|
| Gary | Doublemeat Palace | Eaten by Wig Lady |
| Manny the Manager | Doublemeat Palace | Eaten by Wig Lady |
| Wig Lady | Doublemeat Palace | Killed by Willow |