Rewards, by M. McGregor

Chapter 12

Somehow, it wasn’t quite as beautiful as he expected.

It was nice to look at. That was true. He’d carried Buffy into his bedroom, a naked Xander carrying a naked Buffy. That in itself was the culmination of a dream he’d had since his sophomore year of high school. She’d seemed so small and vulnerable, while at the same time holding that brilliant quality of bravery that so endeared her to him. As always, once she’d made a decision, Buffy went at it headfirst and full throttle.

At first, he thought his odd sense of discomfort was because he was selfish. There was, he had to admit, a part of him that didn’t want to be sharing Buffy, Faith, or Anya, even if it was amongst each other. He wanted to be one on one with each of them, but unless another Toth demon showed up to start splitting him into Xandersized chunks, that wasn’t going to be happening.

Anya was on the bed. Faith was between her legs, on all fours and lapping enthusiastically at his girlfriend’s pussy. That was more than enough to put any man at rock hard attention, and as he let Buffy slide from his arms to the floor, he’d caught her staring at his erection with wide, fascinated eyes.

Xander stood beside the bed with Buffy next to him, her body leaning against his. His focus was on the bed, on the upturned curve of Faith’s ass sticking out so invitingly behind her. It was on the vision of her hands disappearing between her legs as she brought herself off. It was on Anya’s look of extreme delight as Faith’s tongue poked insistently into her.

All the while, Buffy’s focus was on his cock. This, he didn’t realize until he glanced at her and realized she was on her knees. Buffy Summers’ eyes stared up at him from between his legs. It was astonishing. It was almost bittersweet. She was finally with him, and although she’d been insistent that this was just as much her as it was the reward, it was not the way he’d always envisioned being with her.

Yet at the same time, it felt like it could be just as beautiful, if he let it.

So the question was, why wasn’t it?

There was something wrong. Something that kept the whole situation from being as beautiful as he knew it could be; as he knew it must be. With Anya, there had always been that sense of trusting intimacy that made anything they did, no matter how wild he thought it was, something loving and beautiful. He’d felt that with Faith. He’d felt it with Buffy.

Only now with the three of them together, it was gone.

He looked down into Buffy’s eyes. They sparkled up at him with lust, love, and trepidation. It hurt, and it confused him. Just moments before, he’d seen nothing but lust and love in her eyes. Moments before, he’d seen acceptance in its purest form, and had been so touched by it he thought he’d reached some profound new stage of life.

Xander sank down to his knees, and Buffy’s face grew confused as he came level with her. He touched the side of her face, and she sighed against his touch, closing her eyes and savoring it. She reached up to hold his hand to her.

What was it?

“Go join them,” he whispered. Buffy swallowed and nodded, her body shaking for a few moments. She licked her lips and slowly rose to her feet. He looked up at her, grinning a little at the candid view of her he now had. It was true, what he’d said. He would always have a piece of her now. No one would ever be able to see Buffy the way he could; the way he had.

She crawled onto the bed slowly, and Xander rose to his feet. He took a step back, enjoying the sight of three naked and sweaty female bodies on his bed, waiting for him. However, he was always trying to figure out what was wrong. What felt off?

Anya’s eyes had been closed, but they opened when Buffy straddled her waist, grinning nervously down at her.

“Oh,” Anya managed to moan. “Buffy.”

“Hi,” Buffy whispered, bending over Anya, causing her hair to cascade around his girlfriend’s head. Xander licked his lips at the sight of two Slayer bottoms presented before him, each perfectly round and slick with arousal. Faith’s swayed as she frigged herself, making contented noises of delight at the taste of Anya’s snatch.

Why wasn’t he joining this? Why wasn’t he getting involved, instead of standing back and wondering what was wrong?

Was it the spell? Was he upset about that still, despite his promise to Buffy that he wouldn’t let it make him guilty anymore? It was a promise that was easier said than done, but was that guilt going to make him incapable of participating in this?

No, that didn’t seem like it was it. Buffy had gotten to him. She’d been right. When it came down to it, he had to trust something; had to have faith in something. He could have faith in this. In them.

He watched as Anya’s arms went around Buffy’s back, pulling the Slayer’s chest to her mouth. She sucked greedily on Buffy’s swollen tits, moaning happily as she did so. Buffy bucked and screeched when Anya bit down hard, and moaned her name out slowly. The blonde Slayer was rocking back and forth now, as if an invisible lover were fucking her from behind as Anya sucked on her breasts.

Shaking his head and dismissing his odd feelings, Xander stepped up behind Faith. She was on her knees before Anya’s cunt, and her legs were spread wide. Her pussy was wet and swollen, and her ass was spread open before him. He wondered how long it would be before he fucked Faith in her asshole. Knowing Anya, and knowing the things Buffy craved, he doubted it would be long. For an instant, he thought about doing it just then, knowing that the unexpected depravity of it would likely drive her crazy. He decided against it. This was the “first” time, and they would likely have many more attempts to expand their horizons.

Still, he reached forward with one hand, and cupped the firm globe of her asscheek, massaging it with more force than he would for Anya. Faith stiffened for a moment, then moaned loudly into Anya’s cunt, thrusting her ass back towards him. Xander smiled, and with his other hand drew his thumb up under her slit, drawing it back and coating it in her copious juices. Faith shivered beautifully, her bottom thrusting up to follow his touch, chasing after him.

He stood behind her, his cock sticking straight out before him. He knelt onto the bed, using her for support as he got closer. Carefully positioning his cockhead at the entrance to her pussy, he rubbed it several times against her lips. He brought his thumb against her asshole, and pressed down gently, not enough to penetrate, but enough for her to feel it.

Faith grunted and thrust against him. Xander grinned, and pressed his cock slowly into Faith’s supernaturally tight pussy. It was slick, wet and warm, a tight hotness that pressed all around him, banishing any thoughts but those of her encompassing him. He pushed forward, slowly sinking into her as Faith whimpered and moaned into Anya’s snatch.

Faith’s moans mixed with Buffy’s high-pitched squeaks of pleasure and pain as Anya alternately gnawed on or sucked on her breasts. Meanwhile, Anya was groaning in a low voice against Buffy’s tits, the sound muffled by the soft flesh of Buffy’s boobs.

“Yes,” Buffy whined in a voice that sounded lost between exquisite pain and pleasure. Her pleading tone was hypnotic. “Harder. Anya. Oh, harder. Oh god. Oh no. Ungh. Yes. Bite it. Bite it! Fuck yes…”

Anya was more than happy to comply, her right hand pulling and tugging at Buffy’s left breast while she sucked and chewed on the other. Buffy plunged three fingers in and out of her slit as she begged Anya for more, frantically frigging herself as quickly as she could. Her whines grew more and more desperate as her rocking increased.

Anya’s groans turned suddenly high-pitched, quickly escalating into an inaudible gasp of pleasure that Xander knew very well. Faith’s tongue went flat against her slit as Anya shook with her orgasm, screaming against Buffy’s tits.

Stroking slowly in and out of Faith with an ever-increasing tempo, Xander reached beneath her cupping her breasts in either hand. She finally brought her head up from Anya’s snatch and moaned his name. Trusting the things he’d learned, Xander squeezed firmly, and Faith’s moan turned into a grunt of pleasure. She slammed her ass back against him, his balls slapping against the perfectly smooth skin of her backside. In moments they were rutting against each other, with Xander jack hammering into her while pulling and tugging on her breasts as Faith cried for him to continue.

“Fuck yes!” she cried. “Pull those titties! Holy shit, so good, so good, so good, goddamn so full, so hot.” She buried her face back in Anya’s pussy, licking frantically as the situation overwhelmed her. Anya squeaked humorously, her body hyper-sensitized from her climax. Faith had her squirming in moments.

Xander was losing himself, focused on nothing but the aching tightness and velvety smoothness. Part of him was outside of the scene, looking down at his performance with a proud grin. He was far better at this than he’d been the first time he was with Faith. Anya had taught him control, technique, and above all: stamina.

They went for some time like that, with Anya gnawing on Buffy’s overly sensitive breasts, Faith licking Anya’s cunt, and Xander fucking Faith with wild abandon. Every so often Faith would raise her head and groan his name against the pounding rhythm.

And every time she did, something seemed to flicker in his awareness. Caught in the frenzy of sex, he was unable to focus on it, but some part of him knew something was off. Something was making this off. Not wrong, but not exactly right.

She was begging him in a whisper, begging him to cum inside of her. He hugged her middle, his hands on her breasts, and could hear the slightest of tremors in her voice as she spoke. Xander was determined to make sure that even during this, even when he was nearly lost in the chaos of sex, that this was going to be different for Faith. He wanted her to understand that this was about something more than just the sex.

So as he felt his own orgasm building up inside of him, he grit his teeth, relying on his experience to hold it back as long as possible. He leaned forward against Faith’s back, and brought his lips to her ear.

“Faith,” he whispered, although it was more of a grunt as he worked his cock deep inside of her.

“Xander.” Her reply was breathless and tinged with emotion the likes of which he’d never heard there before.

“You’re safe now,” he whispered, wanting her to know it was as true now as it was when he’d said it before. “I’ll take care of you. We’ll take care of you.”

“Xander, I— I—”

“Shh. I know.” His hands swept her hair from the side of her neck, and he kissed her gently. Her body tensed, and he sunk deep inside of her. “Cum, Faith. We’re with you.”

“X-XAANDEER!” she keened, gripping Anya’s thighs and squeezing her eyes firmly shut as he rocked into her a few more times. His vision blurred, his entire body tensed with energy as it seemed to build up within him. He held his breath, tried to let it build as long as possible, and then gasped loudly as it exploded from him, his cock twitching inside of her, spurting his seed and cumming hard.

It was after that he realized he’d missed two things. It was after that he realized he’d been right, and he’d been wrong.

Something was off, but it wasn’t off for Faith. For Faith, this was a profound event. Because as he relaxed atop her, regaining his senses, he realized that she was weeping softly. It confused him, and Xander had pulled out of her, his cock half-hard and coated in their combined juices. Faith curled up, putting her face in her hands, sobbing gently.

Aware of nothing else in that moment, Xander carefully turned her over, and put his hand to her cheek to have her look at him. She sniffed; her hiccupping sobs halting as she looked up at him. Her frightened look of carefully cultured hope touched him more than he was aware. Before he knew it, he was kissing her, and she was kissing him. Sweet, insistent, desperate and loving.

For him, something was off. For Faith, it was sex like she’d never had it before. It was sex that was embracing and caring, sex that meant more than just body-to-body. He should have realized that, and should have made it more special. At that moment, he decided that he would make sure she always understood how special it was.

Xander smiled down at her, and stroked the hair from her face. Her dark eyes stared up at him, and he knew that like Buffy, he now owned a piece of Faith as well. They were all three of them tied to him now. Faith would always have acceptance with him.

He kissed her again, just so she would understand, and her sweet moan of response told him that she did.

Then Xander sighed, and looked up. Anya smiled down at him, and reached her hand to him. He took it, and kissed it lightly. Then he looked from her to Buffy, and finally figured it out.

That was what was off. She looked at him, and he saw love, acceptance, and trust in her eyes. He looked at Anya, and now even Faith, and saw the same thing. He could see the fluttering beginning of that look between Buffy and Anya, and slightly moreso between Faith and Anya.

But when Buffy looked at Faith, there was no trust, no love, and no acceptance that passed between. There was distrust, suspicion, anger, old hurts and new concerns. There was barely suppressed tolerance. They hadn’t touched each other; they hadn’t so much as glanced at each other during the sex, sex that was supposed to be about the formation of the strange new four-person household that seemed to be forming.

There was no way it could form if Buffy and Faith maintained that grudge; maintained that fear, worry, hatred and anger. They could never be truly comfortable with that over all of their heads.

Xander was going someplace new. In this place, Buffy was his treasure; an exciting creature of love and sexuality that was just beginning to understand herself. In this place, Anya was his partner: a woman of simple pleasures and grand ideas. In this place, Faith was his surprise: a vulnerable, innocent girl hidden beneath atrocity and pain. They were each unique; each tugged at his heart and demanded his love and attention.

The only way to do so would be to give that love and attention to all of them. And as long as Buffy and Faith could not feel the trust that existed between the rest of them, this was all doomed to failure, Reward or not.

The experience of being with the three of them should have been profoundly beautiful. It had been hot, to be sure, but the sense of connection he’d always had with Anya, the connection he’d felt when one on one with Buffy and Faith, it was missing. It could not exist without acceptance.

For Faith, it had been about her being accepted by Xander, perhaps by Anya as well. But would she feel that nagging doubt about Buffy, and lose the vulnerability she’d let them see? Would Buffy be unable to truly unleash her inner self if she was constantly chained by her past with Faith?

If so, then it was up to him to do something about it. Now, more than ever, it was his responsibility. He was their owner; they had given themselves to him in more ways than one. More than their bodies, their hearts were in his hands. Their happiness was his to bring about.

That was the true weight of his new role. The sex, the things Buffy, Faith, or even Anya would want, those weren’t true issues. He could do what they liked and do what they craved. That would be simple. If they wanted rough, he would be rough. If they wanted loving, he would be loving. If they wanted what he wanted, then he would pretend to care only for his own desires.

The real responsibility was their hearts. There was sadness there, a deep-rooted pain that affected both Buffy and Faith more than he’d realized. Looking into Faith’s eyes, wet with tears that had come from her own astonishment at how much she felt, he knew she could never be truly safe unless she were accepted.

Looking up at Buffy, her body flushed, her breathing heavy, he knew she could never be truly free unless she could forgive Faith. She could never be Buffy unless she could be rid of the pain that festered inside of her.

He saw all of this, and felt his stomach tighten. Somewhere, deep in the back of his mind, he wondered just what a reward might be.

Was it the chance to have sex with Buffy and Faith, the chance to lie with them, hold them and enjoy the pleasures of their bodies?

Or was the real reward the opportunity to help them heal? What if everything beyond that was just the smoke and mirrors, the decoration that hid the real substance of it?

Since he’d first heard of the reward, something had been eating at him. How could it be a reward if he was so uncomfortable with the whole thing? Sure, he’d once asked to “have” Buffy, but that was a childish slip of the tongue, not a statement of intent. If Gimmel was some all knowing superbeing type guy, could he have really given Buffy to him and still called it a reward?

That doubt had been omnipresent, if not always recognized, but as the fog of sex died away, he could feel it slipping away as well.

Buffy had been able to see the merits of the reward. Faith had been able to see it. Even Anya was happy about it. Xander had gone along because he had no choice, or because it was what they wanted. Now, for the first time, he could actually see that it might truly be a reward after all.

Providing he didn’t screw up royally.

Buffy was of two minds. On the one hand, she’d never had an experience like having Anya worship her breasts in what could only be described as an orgy. She was disappointed at how short the whole thing had been, and wished they weren’t expected at Giles’s new shop in a short time. The physical part of her, the part that was horny and craving more and more of these new experiences wanted nothing more than to just keep going.

On the other hand, it wasn’t quite what she was expecting. Buffy hadn’t quite realized that Faith would be…

Equal?

Was that terribly unfair of her? No. Faith was possibly her worst enemy. She’d stolen her body, effectively raped her boyfriend, and was a cold-blooded killer.

And there was Xander, her not-boyfriend-but-something-special, and he was comforting her. Loving her. The same expression she saw on his face when he looked at her or Anya, Buffy could see in his face when he looked at Faith.

That hurt her. It angered her. And it made everything just a little wrong.

She thought of Angel, and how he’d protected Faith so fiercely. Was Xander going to do that too? Did neither of them understand just how badly Faith had hurt her?

She thought of Faith in her body, kissing Riley, touching him, taking him in. Then she saw Xander touching her, kissing her, and being inside of her.

Then Faith started crying, and Buffy found herself just not feeling sexual anymore. Xander had climaxed, Buffy’d had more than her fair share, and Anya was barely able to move, so it’s not like they weren’t satisfied.

Except she wasn’t satisfied. She felt…off. She wanted to be with Xander, even wanted to be with Anya too. Buffy could enjoy them, could open up to them and not feel the shame of exploring her new and old desires with them. Xander because she could trust him, could love him, and Anya because she simply didn’t see sex as anything to be ashamed of.

There was no way she could open up like that in front of Faith. There was no way she could lower her defenses. There was no relaxing when Faith was around. There was always that fear in the back of Buffy’s mind: when would she turn on them? When would she turn on Xander?

Buffy sat up by the head of the bed beside Anya, who was breathing heavily with a satisfied smile on her face. Her hand reached up to touch Buffy’s upper arm, and stroked it gently. Buffy looked down at Anya, eyes lingering on her curvaceous body, a light sheen of sweat covering her, accentuating the form. Her pussy ached deliciously, despite how often she’d cum while Anya had been sucking at her breasts.

She looked down the bed, and saw Faith curled up in Xander’s arms, crying softly as he held her. He stroked her hair, rocking her gently, and whispered something in her ear that Buffy couldn’t hear.

A paradox of emotion filled her. Love for Xander, who was so caring and kind, and mistrust for Faith, questioning her motives and the validity of her tears. She feared for Xander, feared that he was falling for Faith’s new game, and that he would be hurt worse than ever before when she inevitably used him.

And if she were honest with herself, she was jealous too. Jealous and angry that Xander wasn’t able to be with her and Anya, because he was too busy comforting Faith. A comfort that Buffy wasn’t sure she believed was actually needed.

After all, Faith was not the kind of person who cried, especially not after sex. She wasn’t the type of person who clung so tightly to someone, holding on like he was her last chance at life. She wasn’t quiet all the time like this new Faith was, she didn’t avert her eyes from Buffy whenever they happened to match gazes. Those were not things that Faith did.

If this Faith was doing them, there must be a reason for it. There was a scam going on, and she couldn’t really enjoy herself until she found it, exposed it, and…

And what? Faith was stuck with them just like Buffy was. There was nothing that said they would even be able to remove the reward, let alone do it if they could. What was she going to do? How was she going to be herself, how was she going to give herself to her owner in mind and body when she had to keep a piece behind, for fear that her greatest enemy would see it?

A tug on her arm made Buffy glance down at Anya.

“Let’s go enjoy lesbian touching in the shower,” she said in a quiet voice. “We’re supposed to leave soon anyway.”

Buffy licked her lips at the idea, and for a moment looked over Anya’s beautiful body. The curve of her breasts, the slight inward slope of her abdomen, the long and smooth legs and the hidden cleft between them. She wondered if this was how Willow felt when she looked at a hot girl.

Then she looked down at Xander and Faith, and frowned.

“Come on,” Anya said again. “I have a massaging showerhead that Xander had used on me to great effect. I’ll use it on you if you wash me.”

“But I—” she kept her eyes on Xander, who seemed oblivious to her presence as Faith wept against him.

“They need to be alone.”

Anya sat up, and slid off the bed, keeping her grip on Buffy’s arm. Buffy let herself be led away, her gaze lingering as they went.

Ten minutes later she stood in the fairly spacious shower beside Anya. Anya jabbered mindlessly as they got in, explaining various things about her new bathroom, as if she were trying to convince Buffy to buy it. Buffy was silent throughout.

Once the water was at a temperature that was agreeable to both, they stood under the spray, and began to scrub down. It was an odd experience for Buffy. There was an overt sexuality to it, as the two of them were naked and Buffy found Anya to be extremely attractive ever since the reward had tweaked her desires. Every so often their naked bodies would slide together, and Buffy would stiffen, hoping it would become something more.

Finally, after what seemed an eternity of silent teasing, Anya turned to her, and put her hands on Buffy’s shoulders. The taller ex-demon looked down at Buffy, the water spraying down around them and giving them both a slick look of slippery tightness. Buffy stared up at her eyes, and swallowed.

“Do you know what I’m good at?” Anya asked.

“No,” Buffy said in a low voice. Anya leaned her head closer to Buffy’s.

“Spotting envy. Envy was one of the top three reasons for vengeance along with adultery and physical abuse, and I was the best at spotting women who were envious.”

“That’s nice.”

“You shouldn’t be.”

“What?”

“You shouldn’t be envious,” Anya said, rubbing her shoulder gently. “Faith’s very troubled and crazy and she’s very frightened. That’s why Xander’s mostly paying attention to her instead of us.”

“Faith doesn’t get scared,” Buffy said glumly. “She gets kill-y.”

Anya rolled her eyes. “Of course she gets scared. That’s why she did what she did. That’s why I became a vengeance demon. I was scared about being who I was. I didn’t want to be her anymore.”

“So you decided to kill a bunch of people?” Buffy spat, glaring up at Anya. In that moment she felt much more like the Slayer and much less like Buffy the woman.

“I didn’t kill all of them. And they all deserved it.”

“Sure they did.”

“I’m not a demon anymore,” Anya said, staring into her eyes.

“That doesn’t change what you did.”

“It changes who I am. I’m not that, and— and I don’t think I would do it again.”

“You don’t think you would?”

Anya stood up straighter, which made her breasts stick out further. Buffy tried not to get distracted by the large red nipples and her desire to suck on them.

“I wouldn’t,” Anya amended. “And neither would she.”

“You don’t know her,” Buffy said, staring down at their wet and naked legs.

“I don’t know who she was, but I know who she is. She’s very frightened and thinks you hate her.”

“I do hate her.”

“Xander doesn’t.”

“He should.”

“He doesn’t.”

Buffy took a deep breath, and looked up through the spray of water. “She’s going to hurt him.”

“So will you if you don’t understand why he’s helping her,” Anya argued. In a surprising show of affection, she reached out and touched Buffy’s face. “You’re very beautiful, did you know that?”

Buffy blushed.

“I’m glad that I’m practicing lesbianism with you. I was sharing Xander with you, but now at least I get to share you with Xander too.”

“What? What do you mean?”

Anya shrugged. “He loves you. I knew that back before the school blew up. I’m his girlfriend, but there’s always a part of him that’s with you and wants to be with you. I was very jealous of you many times.”

“Oh,” Buffy whispered, looking away from her eyes. Anya’s breasts beckoned, and she found herself resting her gaze on them. They were full, round, and water dripped slowly off them. Buffy bit her lip. “Sorry.”

“It’s not your fault. It’s Xander. But now at least if I’m going to share him I get to share you too. That makes it even and I don’t have to be jealous anymore. Plus it will make Xander happier, and when Xander is happy he’s much better at sex.”

“What does this have to do with Faith?” Buffy asked as she pressed her legs together. Anya’s face was so close to hers now. The ex-demon’s hand stroked down Buffy’s wet hair, almost appraising her. Buffy found she liked the attention, as if Anya were distracted by Buffy’s body and examining a new toy.

That’s what she was, or what she was supposed to be. Xander’s toy, which meant Anya’s as well. Buffy was suddenly hyper aware that she was taking a shower with another girl, something she’d never done before. She’d had her breasts sucked and bitten by a girl, a beautiful girl, and Xander’s girlfriend. These were things she’d never experienced before, and things that excited her deeply. Anya was so beautiful, and had a simple confidence regarding her sexuality that Buffy envied.

She wondered, could Anya see that envy?

“We have to share him with her now, too. Did you know she took his virginity?”

“Yes,” Buffy said, swallowing as she imagined Xander and Faith writhing naked together. As much as she distrusted Faith, the girl was incredibly sexy. Xander had even gotten Buffy to admit that back before the reward she’d had a kind of attraction to Faith. That’s what made her betrayals all the more painful. She nearly groaned.

“I thought it was just you that he was tied to, and a little bit of Willow, but they got their sexual tension out of the way before I ever met him. Then yesterday Faith’s here, and I saw him with her. I think he gave her more than he realized.”

“Doesn’t that…upset you?”

Anya sighed wistfully. “I don’t know. Should it? Sometimes I’m not sure. But,” she looked into Buffy’s eyes. “As long as I understand what’s happening, and as long as we’re honest and sharing, it doesn’t. Maybe it should. But it doesn’t.

“I’ll have to share him with you and Faith,” Anya continued. “Even if there was no reward, he’s just as stuck with her as he is with you.”

“And with you,” Buffy said without thinking. It made Anya smile.

“Yeah. But as long as I can share you and Faith too, it doesn’t matter. It’s an equal trade. And that’s why you’re looking all sad instead of happy and fucked.”

Buffy’s eyes widened at Anya’s casual slip into profanity. “What?”

Waving a hand at her, Anya indicated Buffy’s face. “You should be very satiated right now. I know you had many orgasms. I think I’m getting very good at lesbian sexual practices, and I know I enjoyed playing with your nipples. They’re very springy and they arouse me to lick them during sex acts.”

“Oh,” Buffy blushed.

“Instead you look very envious and upset, and you shouldn’t. You’re not mad at me, you’re not even mad at Xander. You’re mad at Faith, and that’s not fair.”

“I don’t have to like her,” Buffy said sullenly.

“You do if this is going to work,” Anya retorted. “I’ve seen relationships like ours before, mostly because I had to come in and toss out a little vengeance. But I’ve seen them work sometimes too. The key is trust between everyone, and working beyond jealousy.”

“I’m not,” Buffy began. “I mean I don’t— I’m not jealous of her.”

“You don’t trust her.”

“Yeah.”

“If someone you love is having naked hugs and sex with someone you don’t trust, isn’t that jealousy?”

“You’re— no! You’re doing a twisty thing with words!”

Anya smiled and leaned her head down closer to Buffy. “Do you trust me?” Her lips were close to Buffy’s, close enough that she could smell her sweet breath.

“I-I think so,” Buffy whispered, a little surprised that she did.

“I’ve done worse things than Faith has,” Anya said, the barest hint of sadness visible in her eyes.

“You didn’t…didn’t do them to—”

“To you,” Anya finished for her.

“Yeah.”

Anya shook her head sadly, and cupped either side of Buffy’s face. “She didn’t do them to you either.”

Buffy was breathless, staring into those eyes and wishing Anya would kiss her. Wishing Anya would push her down to her knees and tell her to get to work. Wishing Anya would ravish her. Wishing Xander was there, away from Faith and safe again.

“If she didn’t do them to me,” Buffy said quietly, staring up. “Who did she do them to?”

Smiling sadly, Anya pressed her lips against Buffy’s. Buffy moaned and her body sagged towards Anya, who held the smaller girl in her arms. They stood under the cascade of water; bodies slick and warm as Buffy felt Anya’s tongue pressing gently against her lips. Buffy’s met hers, and they touched lightly before breaking apart. Out of breath, Buffy stared at her in fascination, and clamped her legs together at the throbbing need she felt there.

“She did them to herself, Buffy,” Anya said, holding the Slayer close and looking her in the eye. They kissed again, lightly but for several seconds. When they pulled back, Anya’s expression was sad, almost wise.

“She did them to herself.”

Buffy lowered her eyes.

She was aware of nothing else but the feel of Xander’s strong arms around her, the way his naked body felt as it surrounded her, and the soft whispers of assurance in her ear. She clung to him, arms around his chest, squeezing as tight as she felt was safe, and then just a little bit more. Xander said not a word about it, and just held her.

His cock, which had been so hard and filling inside of her, was limp now as she lay between his legs. They were on his bed, with Faith curled up in his arms, their bodies entwined. Her head was buried against his shoulder, and her tears dripped down his chest.

She wasn’t so sure why she was crying. Crying was not something she did very often, and certainly not after getting fucked doggy-style while she ate out a blazingly hot chick.

As she thought about it, her tears came harder. The feel of Xander’s body atop hers, the way his dick had penetrated her so deeply, as if he was driving a part of himself into her and changing her for all time, the way his arms had gone around her, all of them adding to the flow of emotion inside of her.

But the memory that made her feel the most was the sound of his voice as it whispered her name. The sound of it, the emotion in it, it was frightening beyond belief. She’d never heard anything that sounded like that voice.

He rocked her gently, rolling them slightly from side to side as he whispered in her ear. Each whisper was full of that strangeness; full of the thing she’d come to think of as the Difference.

She was ashamed, even as she felt safer and more accepted than ever before in her life. Buffy had seen her like this, Buffy had seen her breaking down for such a silly reason; a reason she didn’t even understand. Buffy, she knew, could see through the lies Faith was telling herself. Buffy knew who she really was.

But she didn’t want to stop telling the lies. She didn’t want to pull herself from Xander’s arms, and go back to that lonely punishment she knew she deserved. This was the first time in years she’d felt something beside cold pain and fear. It stung her, and now the fear was hot and burning.

Xander was giving her something, and she didn’t deserve it. Xander saw her as something, something Different that she saw in his eyes when he looked at her. He saw her as a person, as someone he lo—

That wasn’t for her, and she knew it. Buffy knew it, and there was no way she could live the lie while Buffy was there to see through her. She didn’t deserve to live the lie.

Tell me what you want to say, came Xander’s voice in her mind. So she did.

“You don’t know me,” she whimpered against him, trying to get the last bit of comfort that she could before he inevitably pushed her away. “I don’t des— I’m bad.”

“I know you,” he whispered, squeezing her tight. “More than ever, I know you.”

“I’m a killer.”

“What you are isn’t who you are.”

Faith squeezed her eyes closed, her fists balling against Xander’s back. “Who I am is a killer. A-a rapist. A thief. A liar. A betrayer. I’m bad, Xander. I’m evil!”

“All you are,” Xander said, pulling his head back slightly to look down at her. “Is wrong.”

Faith shook her head violently, sobbing all the harder. “It’s all a lie. I don’t deserve this.”

“Faith?”

She didn’t answer; just let herself stay lost in his touch. Just for a little while longer.

“Faith?”

He was so warm. So big around her, like a shield against the world. She just wanted to pretend for a little while longer.

“Faith, look at me,” he ordered. Her head leaned back, and her eyes opened. They stung, dry from all the tears she had shed. He stared into them. “Have you ever hugged anyone like this?”

She blinked a few times, and sniffed. “What?”

“Have you ever been in someone’s arms, and felt, I dunno. Calm? Or, um, loved?”

Her heart pounded. Her breathing quickened. Her eyes searched his, as her mind thought back. Had she? No. The closest was her breakdown in Angel’s arms, where she’d felt…miserable.

“No.”

“Nobody?” he asked, frowning slightly. “Not um, not with the naked hugging, but just, you know. A hug? To make you feel better?”

Faith didn’t hug. It wasn’t her thing.

She hoped he never let go.

“No,” she whispered.

“Is, um, is this the first time?”

The first time had been yesterday when he embraced her. But she understood his meaning. She sniffed and nodded.

“So, I get to be the first person to give Faith a real hug? To tell her everything will be okay, a-and that she’s a good person?”

“I’m no—”

“Shh,” he shook his head slightly, closing his eyes. “I get to be that person?”

“Yes,” she said sadly, staring at his face, feeling lost and found at the same time.

“I get to hold Faith, and hey, bonus, a naked Faith, and see how powerfully she feels? I get to know how beautiful you are, how hurt you are? I get to help you learn how amazing you can be, and know how sorry you are?”

“Yes,” she said again, his face growing blurry as more tears came. “Yes.”

“And I get to look into these eyes,” he opened his, looking at her again. “And see the strength that you put there, see the changes you’ve made? I get to help you make it even stronger?”

“You do?” she said, breathless.

“Yeah,” he said, smiling. “I think I do.”

“Xander—”

“Faith, I’m not the brightest guy. There may have been some talk about a little bus back in high school, I won’t say,” she grinned slightly as he spoke. “You’ve done bad things. I know it. You know it. They don’t go away.” He put his hand behind her head, and held her to his chest. “But neither will I. Maybe I’m dumb, but I don’t think so. I don’t care what you think you are. I’m not going anywhere, and neither are you. I’m the one that doesn’t deserve you, Faith. I get to help you find out who you really are. That should be the job of…I dunno. The Pope or something. Not me. Not Xander.”

“I’m a killer,” she said again, but the argument was weak.

“You used to be. Why be in prison, if not to change? Just to get punished?”

“I…I don’t know.”

“Well you’re not in prison anymore. You’re stuck with me, and I’m too dumb for you to convince me I get the short end of that stick. Besides, Anya’s already addicted to you.”

Faith smiled slightly. The smile grew brighter when Xander’s eyes flashed and his own smile slid onto his face at her brief show of amusement.

“You know what?” he said as he gazed at her face. “I think I am too.”

He kissed her then, slow and deep. The taste was salty from her tears. When their lips parted, she spoke.

“I’m going to ruin things with Buffy,” she said, her eyes on his.

“If anyone’ll be ruining anything around here, it’ll be me, thank you very much.”

She grinned a little, but it was more because of his goofy face than anything else. Before she knew, she was laughing a little. He kissed her on the side of the face playfully, and the laugh grew. He blew against her neck in an act of extreme childishness, and she hugged him all the tighter.

“You guys have history,” he said a few moments later as she relaxed against him. “And hey, we’re not exactly playing by the rules here, so things could get ruined without that. Buffy’s kind of, uh, I don’t want to say stubborn, but I kind of have to cause that’s what I mean. Of course, I’ve uh, kind of been called stubborn a few times myself. Trouble is I’m stubborn in one direction and she’s stubborn in the other.”

Faith frowned, a little confused. What was he saying?

“My point, if I can remember what it was, is that it’s going to take her time. The one thing about Buffy is that she always comes through in the end. She’ll figure you out.”

Lowering her eyes, Faith muttered, “She already has me figured out.”

“If she did, she’d be in here fighting me for Faith hugs,” Xander argued. Then he frowned, and turned his head slightly. “Instead of getting off in the shower with Anya. Whoa.”

Straining her ears, Faith’s mouth opened as she heard Buffy whining and grunting over the sound of the shower. She grinned a little. She always knew Buffy could be the sexiest little bitch on two feet if she wanted to be.

“People change,” he said, looking back at Faith with a mischievous grin. “For example uptight Slayers becoming sex slaves or not-so-uptight Slayers learning that maybe they like Xanderhugs.”

“No maybe,” she said, and blushed a little. Tell me what you want to say. God she was glad he gave her that order. “I do. I really do.”

“Then things will work out. We’re the four of us looking at something new here, Faith, whether the reward sticks around or not. We’re changed one way or the other. If tomorrow comes and you don’t do what I tell you, and Buffy’s not getting down with the hot lesbian sex and Anya’s…well Anya would still be exactly the same, but the point is if that happens, I’m still here for you, okay? As long as the person you are deep down is the same as you are right now, I’m with you, Faith. That’s the Xander kind of stubborn.”

Buffy’s moans grew louder, and they both grinned at each other.

“So was the sex good at least?” he asked, smoothly pulling them away from the subject.

“Hell yeah.”

“You think it’s good now, wait until Anya has us all practicing three times a day for a month.”

Faith smiled brightly, and squeezed him, pressing her head to his chest again. She sighed contentedly. He patted her head gently, and rocked her to him.

“Xander?” Faith said a few minutes later, as Xander held her and they listened to the sounds of Anya and Buffy in the shower. It was getting her very excited, but she was, if it were possible, even more interested in just laying there with Xander.

“Yeah?” His cock was hard again, poking into her. Faith shifted her legs slightly, letting him slip between her thighs. He groaned softly, but made no move to do anything more.

“I, um, shit. I kind of…you know. Like you.”

“I kind of like you too, Faith. I kind of like you too.”